The Jebberkiah

Today my mom said to me, "Sorine, if you help your brother write his paper I'll give you fifty billion dollars."

I couldn't pass it up. So I helped Mitchell produce this incredible paper about a snowboarding trip he once had. Enjoy.

            “Let’s do this thing!” my cousin, Cody, and I shouted.

            We were at the top of an extremely tall mountain. There was a dense fog, so thick that you could chew it. We couldn't even see our own hands. But that didn't stop us. We were ready to tackle this mountain like never before.

            With both feet strapped tightly to my snowboard, I headed down the mountain. I was traveling at an insane speed. Down the triple black diamond lift line trail we headed. Cody was right behind me and I took the opportunity to show off.

            I increased my speed to a crazy insane speed to jump like a ninja. The ramp was getting closer and I planned out my trick. I was going to do the unthinkable. For the first time ever I was going to attempt the Jebberkiah.  The Jebberkiah is a triple back flip with a twist.

            Right as I reached the top of the ramp, I chickened out. I landed with nothing exciting happening in the air. Cody caught up to me and immediately started laughing. “You idiot,” he said. “You were supposed to do the Jebberkiah.”

            I came back with a smart-aleck comment saying, “I didn't see you do it, Cracker Jack.” I kindly shoved him aside into a bush and took off.

            Soon after, we went into the trees. The wind was so bad we saw people being lifted off the ground and thrown miles away. While in the trees, Cody challenged me again. “You know,” he said “there is one more ramp before we get to the bottom. I bet I can do the Jebberkiah before you.”

            I didn't have time to respond. Cody was off like a bullet facing the deadly winds like a madman. Not wanting to hurt my pride, I took even faster than a bullet; I took off like a lightening bolt.  

            This time, when I reached the top of the ramp, I didn't chicken out. I performed the Jebberkiah like never before. Well, I would have, but instead I blinked.

            Suddenly, right after blinking, I couldn't see out of my right eye. I crashed. Into Cody, who was waiting for me at the bottom of the ramp. He looked at me intently and burst out laughing. He said, “Hey dork face, you know your eye is frozen shut, right?”

            “What?” I asked. “It’s no wonder I couldn't see out of it. And here I thought I’d be blind forever.”

            Cody laughed and took the opportunity to kindly shove me into a bush and speed off. I climbed out of the bush and headed towards the lodge. I knew that there I would be able to thaw my eye and hopefully regain my ability to see.

            I took my snowboard off and walked into the lodge, wondering why all the girls were winking at me. Cody came up to me and said, “Don’t get too cocky, dork face. Remember? Your eye is frozen shut.”

            I laughed and kindly shoved him into a table full of winking girls. They squealed like pigs and ran off.

            “Are you going to fix your eye, or keep shoving me into things?” He said, brushing fries and muffins off his pants.

            I took my glove off, reached up and CRACK! I could see. 

The End. 

Girls are jerks.

Okay. First of all, this isn't a post about girls and their drama. This is about how girls, namely me, can be jerks to the male gender.

You see, girls have this way of telling boys things. Meaning, we don't tell them things, we try and show them through our actions and expect them to understand. And when they don't understand, we'll spend our time complaining to each other and when the complaining session comes to an end, we conclude that all guys are jerks. But the truth is, girls are the jerks.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I've flat out told guys I like them. Of course, this wasn't an easy thing to do. Just ask my roommates, they'll tell you all about the panic I was in throughout the entire experience. It was terrifying. Yet, I managed to do it. For some odd reason, the idea of rejection was easier to handle than continually not knowing.

There were two times when I told a guy I was interested. They both handled it VERY differently. The first took me out on a date a few months later. The second was one of my best friends, he immediately told me he was also interested and wanted to take me out. That was probably the last normal conversation we had and we never did go on a date or anything. We don't talk much anymore. However, with both situations I've been okay with the outcome.

There have also been two times when I should have told the guy how I felt. Not because I was madly in love with him, but because I wasn't interested at all and he had made his intentions clear. The first was through high school and I was able to get away with just avoiding the situation all together. The second is happening now. After the one date we went on, I stayed up all night stressing about how to let him know I wasn't interested. Although I've convinced myself I tried to let him know (meaning I gave some pretty obvious clues) I haven't flat out told him. And I feel like a complete jerk.

So how come it's easier for me to tell a guy I'm interested and risk rejection than it is to tell a guy I'm not interested and risk having him hate me?

I don't know what it is, but something in me feels the need to protect these guys from rejection, even if it will benefit them in the long run. And it will. Not only will they become stronger from it, but it will free them up for other opportunities.

It pretty much just goes in a circle. I don't want to hurt someone and in the process of trying not to hurt them, I end up being a jerk. To avoid being a jerk, I prolong the awkwardness for selfish reasons.

Guys, is there even a way to kindly inform you of our disinterest?

Girls, we need to remember. The guy pays for the date, he's the one who generally does the asking. He's expected to open our doors, to plan the date, to entertain us, and through all of this he has to try and translate our "hints" into words that he can understand.

And this is what it boils down to. The guy plans the date, picks us up, pays for the activity, can be an absolute gentleman the entire time. And, whether we're interested or not, we let it happen. Girls are jerks.

The Easier Path

I started writing almost an hour ago. When I read through what I had written I realized that I had two completely different topics and had horribly tried to connect them. In my mind at three in the morning it made perfect sense. But, I felt I should cut it down to the topic that actually has a meaning. So here is the last half of the post I started to write when I should have been sleeping.

All day long I've been thinking about how my life is moving. About how easily I am frustrated with life and how I wish I could be satisfied. I often think there has got to be an easier way, that life shouldn't be so complicated and difficult. As I sat in bed, a few scriptures came to my mind.

In Matthew chapter 11:28 it says "Come unto me, ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." The majority of the time I'd stop reading there and find comfort. It is a great scripture. By turning to him I can find rest. There is nothing wrong with that. However, if I keep reading, I kind find more. In the next verse it says, "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls."

There are many ways to view that scripture. Relating to my own thoughts, I sometimes see it as someone saying "Come see how I do things. I am witty and charming and have my life together. Try things this way and even you can end up where you want to be." I sometimes see it as an observation type thing. I can just see how someone else does things and then suddenly I'll be able to do them that way, too. But that isn't how it works. "Take my yoke upon you." That right there is an action. Christ isn't saying He'll do all the work, but rather He is saying He'll share the work, He's nice enough to do half of  it. He isn't just going to show me, He will guide me and do things with me.

In 2 Corinthians 6:14 it says "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers; for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?" This verse helps me see that I've been doing a lot of things wrong. I often think that I need to surround myself with people who I think  have all the qualities I lack. Of course, there is nothing wrong with trying to gain new characteristics and attributes. There is nothing wrong with looking up to people and admiring things about them, things I hope to live up to. But sometimes we need, I need to take things at a pace more suited to my own personal situation.

And this is where Christ comes in. He'll take the yoke with me, He's willing to work at the pace I personally need. As long as I am doing my part, He will be there next to me doing his.

The mistake I often make is moving too quickly, slowly, or trying to pull in a direction I feel I need to go. I forget that Heavenly Father is the one in charge and that He is the one to have the final say. If He wants me to slow down, I should. He has the map in hand, He can see what steep climbs are ahead. If I ask and if I listen, He will tell me the way to go, the pace I should travel, and the stops I should make. I honestly believe that if there is something I need to know, He will tell me. All I have to do is ask. He won't leave me hanging. He won't laugh and say "It's a secret! You'll have to wait and hear it through the grape vine!" He'll tell me. As simple as that.

Matthew 11 ends with these words, "For MY yoke is easy, and my burden is light." If we do things His way we will be happy. If we listen and slow down, speed up, take a turn we didn't plan to take, our journey can become what He has planned and will become easier.

Gratitude = Optimism

Today was one of those days. I just couldn't be happy. I kept thinking about all the things I'm missing out on by living at home, of all the places I wanted to be, of all the things I wished I could be doing.

With the bad mood in tow, I drove home from work. The closer I got to home, the more upset I became. And believe me, I came up with plenty to be upset about.

Near my house, there is a street completely covered with trees. Even with the bad mood clouding my thoughts, as I drove down that street I couldn't help but think "Gosh, these trees are gorgeous! They always make me happy." I know it sounds cheesy, but it's the truth. And sometimes, I just need a cheesy tree moment to pull me out of my awful thoughts and focus on the good.

And you know what I realized? I could come up with more to be thankful for than to be upset about. I am blessed more than I deserve, and I shouldn't dwell on the bad. I need to be optimistic and notice the good.

So, here are some things I am thankful for that bring me into a more optimistic mindset.

I'm thankful for the days I can just sit down listen to music with Mitchell.

For the fact that both my brothers like me to read to them before they go to bed.

That I have parents who will be on my side no matter what.

For an older sister who, even though she has so much going on in her own life, will spend an entire day reading every blog post I've ever written and then later ask to read other things I've written.

I'm thankful for the days I don't get a flat tire, run out of gas, or get pulled over on my way to work.

For those moments a student tells me "I wish you were my teacher, I love your class."

I'm thankful that people believe in me and haven't given up on me.

For the days I'm at work and I don't get fired.

That I have a best friend who will listen to me all day long, no matter what I have to say.

I'm thankful when I don't choke on my food.

For the fact that I have a job that doesn't require me to wake up early, drive a long distance, cause me to lower my standards, or involves people throwing tomatoes at my face.

That my little sister will call me back even if all I said in my message was "I WANT TO JUMP IN LEAVES!"

For the times Spencer doesn't make fun of me when I try to play a video game.

That the guy from that awkward date didn't murder me.

For friends who still keep in touch.

I'm thankful when the green light is lit up when I get to the stop light.

For the students who seem to read my mind and know when I need a pick-me-up.

I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who puts up with me and loves me no matter what.

I could keep going for hours. But, the point isn't to list every little thing I'm thankful for. The point is to remind myself that being grateful for something can help me see the bright side, help me to have a happier attitude.

Rules of being a Gentleman

I recently went on the most awful blind date ever imaginable. Okay, it could have been worse. No cars were crashed this time, and I did make it back alive. Nonetheless, it was an awful date.

It's all thanks to one of my old roommates. She had gone on a date with him and wasn't interested. Rather than telling him that, she decided to just pass him along and give him my number. He had red hair, so of course she thought I'd like him.

I've been on many blind dates. I went on some with some really great guys, some with some guys who were jerks, and some where the guy was very average in everything he did. This last blind date was...well, it was different. Throughout the entire date I couldn't help but compare everything this guy did to previous dates I had been on. To be honest, this guy failed in almost every aspect.

This surprised me. The roommate who set us up had told me he was a gentleman. He opened doors for her, gave her a coat to wear, he sent the impression that he was a gentleman. After the date, I realized he just had the appearance of being a gentleman, but he wasn't a genuine gentleman. I came up with a few points of where he went wrong, a few rules of being a true gentleman.

#1 - Asking for the date
I understand that this was a blind date, but he asked me over a text. He obviously couldn't ask me in person and we were already talking through text so it did make a little sense. However, it would have been four thousand times better had he called and asked me. True, it would have been awkward. But think about it, you can hear a persons thoughts through their voice. This can help you know how excited or devastated the girl is about going on the date, which will help you prepare for the date. Also, we girls may not admit it too often, but we like that old fashion stuff.

#2 - Planning the date
Spontaneity is fun, but it has it's limits. Let's be honest, there is a difference between turning a study session into a date and taking a girl out for four hours when she has no clue of the plan. Make sure that you know the girls plans ahead of time. Even if you have been best friends for eight years, she might not dare tell you she has to be up at five for work the next day.

#3 - Ending the date
This obviously goes along with planning the date. Remember, no matter how great the date is going, it needs to end. It is always better to end on a positive note than a negative one. For example, say you're on the best date of your life. The two of you are hitting it off. You want to spend more time with her. Don't make this date last longer, ask her on a second one instead. This is a far better plan than taking her out for ice cream after you've had dinner and a movie. End the date on a high note, leaving her wanting to go out with you again.

#4 - Be honest
I mean be honest in every possible way. If you didn't hear what she said, tell her. Don't pretend you knew. If you hate her favorite movie, tell her. Don't act like you watch it every night. If you don't like her, don't hold her hand and make plans to go on another date. Before the date with this guy, he had me convinced he had a daughter. He had sent me a picture of her and everything. Of course, I'd be okay either way, if he had a daughter or not. This was the first date and I wasn't going to be judgmental of a guy I didn't know. However, if you have a child, sending your date a picture of them isn't the way to let them know. Especially on a first date. It turns out that he didn't have a daughter. So, why on earth was he telling me he did? BE HONEST! Don't lie about little things, and DON'T lie about bigger things.

#5 - Get to know her
This is what annoyed me the most on this awful blind date. Each time I went into a story or started answering his questions he'd interrupt with something like "My hair is actually kind of a strawberry blonde, not red" or "My nieces like me to push them on the swings." What is the point of asking me a question if you aren't going to let me answer? There should be an actual conversation on the date. It shouldn't be set up in question and answer form. Respond to what she says. Answer her questions. Listen to what she says. If she brings it up again, ask more questions, it's obviously important to her. I mentioned my family multiple times on this date, each time he quickly changed the subject. On a date I'd been on with another guy, he asked me questions about each of my siblings, taking an interest in all of them. This was great because later when I brought up my sister, he immediately knew which one I was talking about.
*GIRLS! This goes for you too! Don't be the girl who talks about herself the entire date.

#6 - Do the "Gentleman" things
This should go without saying. You need to make her feel safe around you, especially if it is a blind date. Don't take her to an abandoned park at one in the morning. Don't force her to do something she doesn't feel comfortable with. If she says no, she means no. This doesn't just mean with physical touch, it can even go with conversation. On this date, after I told the guy I'm terrified of needles, he proceeded to try and poke my hand with one. I was near tears, begging him not to. Guys, be smart. Don't make a girl feel uncomfortable. This also includes opening doors, picking her up at the front door, meeting her family or roommates or anyone else who is there, and then walking her to her door at the end of the date. Remember, this shouldn't be obnoxious. Show her that you will get the door for her, don't shout it at her as you head towards the car.

#7 - Take it easy
This goes along with almost every other rule I've mentioned. It boils down to one thing - DON'T BE FORWARD! There is nothing worse than having a guy hold your hand on the first date when you know nothing about him. Guys, if the she has her hands in the pocket of her jacket, don't reach in for them. If she yawns and mentions she has a busy day, take her home. Don't drag out the date. Don't talk about marriage or even plan out all of your future dates. Take it easy, you don't want to seem like you're going to hold her at gun point and drag her to the temple.

Now, I know we girls can be VERY difficult. I can't speak for other girls but I can tell you what I've learned in my experiences. We don't want to get hurt and we don't want to hurt you. This means we'll give off "signs" and hope you understand them. We don't want to flat out tell you we aren't interested, or flat out tell you we are. It's scary for us. If you are confused, just ask her. Tell her to be honest and straightforward. She should respect for you that.

Just so you know, I mean this for girls as well. We are just as much to blame if a date goes horribly. There will always be things for both sides to work on. This is just a start. If this blind date guy ever asked me out again, I'd say no in a heartbeat. If he isn't going to treat me with respect then he doesn't deserve a second date. I think I've only been on one date where the guy actually came close to perfectly following each of these rules. If he asked me out again, I wouldn't be able to hold in my excitement. The way you treat someone will mean a lot more than how much you have in common.

And there you have it. My opinion. If you want to hear about this awful date and laugh your head off, give me a call, I'd love to tell you the story. :)

One Step at a Time

Let me be honest, this is not where I pictured myself to be at this point in my life.

This past week, I met a lot of new people. While getting to know one, a friend said "Sorine works at an elementary school and is writing a book." I felt accomplished. While meeting another, a different friend said, "Sorine's kind of having a midlife crisis." I felt pathetic.

In both situations, we were talking about the same thing, the fact that I'm not going to school right now. A lot of people, including myself, often see this as a negative thing. After all, it is good to have an education, school is where you meet people, and to be blunt, you just gotta get out of the house.

One thing I've noticed about meeting new people or catching up with people I haven't seen in a while, is they all give me the same disappointed look. If I'm just meeting them, they pretty much toss away the thought of becoming friends. If I'm not getting an education, I must not be worth it. If I know them, they give me a look that says, "Come on, Sorine, I thought you were better than that."

As I said, this isn't how I pictured my life. And I see the fact that I'm not at school as a negative thing. Why am I not at school then? The response that I normally give is, "I didn't want to take out a loan, so I'm saving money to go back next year." This is true, but as always, there is more to it.

When in high school, I had an experience (possibly a topic for another blog another day) that completely changed my outlook on life. I wanted to serve a mission. The gospel brought me joy and I loved it more than anything. I didn't want to live selfishly, I wanted to share the joy I felt.  I wanted people to know that they don't have to be alone, that they are loved, that they are children of God.

I stuck with that decision and tried really hard to learn and grow as much as I could. I had it all planned out, I'd go to school and get my associates, come home and work until I was 21, and then leave on a mission. A mission was all I could see. Of course, there were times I doubted it, wondered if I could really handle it. But each time I prayed about it, I got a feeling that I should keep living how I was and keep learning as much as I could. Seeing how a mission was what I wanted, I turned that answer into the idea that I NEEDED to serve a mission.

However, as I ended my second year of school and the time to start my papers came closer, I began to pray and fast about it more often. And although I was still getting the feeling that this learning and growing thing was good, I was also getting the answer that I needed to stay home, He needed me here.

Deciding not to go on a mission but to instead to go where He wanted me to be was one of the hardest things I had to do. I had everyone doubting me, worrying I was falling away from the church. People were telling me I needed to pray and fast about it before making such a serious choice. They couldn't see that I already had, that I was struggling enough on my own. If anyone is reading this, please remember, you never know the full story. NEVER judge anyone or make them feel like less of a person because of a decision they've made. Each individual is in a different situation. Placing judgement because you think they aren't making the right decision isn't okay. What I needed right then was support, and believe it or not, it was difficult to find.

After General Conference and the announcement of the age change for missionaries, I couldn't help but look back on my life wonder what would have been different if I had the option of serving a mission at age 19. I honestly don't know. However, I do know that I wouldn't change the experiences I had at school for anything.

I still don't know what Heavenly Father has in store for me. Right now I'm living at home, I'm teaching math part time at an elementary school, I work for my dad as a second job, I spend my free time writing a book that I'll probably never dare to let anyone read, and my social life is nonexistent. If that gives you the idea that I'm having a midlife crisis, that I'm a deadbeat, or that I am less than you, then fine. So be it.

I've learned so much through all of this. What's been the hardest to keep, however, is a good perspective. I need to remember that I am blessed. I have a job that I love, I'm living with a family who will do anything for me, and I find ways brighten my day. As one of my favorite hymns says, "Lead kindly light, amid the encircling gloom; lead thou me on! The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead thou me on. Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene - One step enough for me."

I know I am where He wants me to be. It is different than what I had planned, but I also know the result will be better this way. He can see the road ahead of me. He knows what's best for me. I'm following the best I can. Even though it's hard and I sometimes feel like a deadbeat having a midlife crisis, I can be happy. And you know what? I am. I don't know what he has in store for me next, but I'm going where He wants me to go, one step at a time.

Dating

Dating is one of the subjects I've avoided on my blog. Sure, I've talked about how I'm single and how just about everyone thinks I should be married by now. But I haven't straight out talked about dating. Why? Well, I'll tell you why. To make it simple, I think it has been overdone. Just about every college female has posted her thoughts on dating. Often times she comes across as being bitter, or has hating everything the male gender has ever said to her. She must have had a rough life. But let's be honest. The females aren't the only ones posting about dating. And they aren't the only ones coming off as bitter and rude.

When talking to these young men, or even from just reading their blog posts, I've found that the same three pieces of advice come from all of them. One: "Don't be so old fashion. Ask the guy out for once!" Two: "You just need to smile more. Seriously, you're always giving off an intimidating look of annoyance." And three: "Quit doing so much for us. For once we'd like to make dinner for ourselves, thank you very much."

Okay, you caught me. That last one really comes from an apostle. And I paraphrased. The direct quote isn't quite so sarcastic. Dallin H. Oaks said, "Young women... don't make it easy for young men to hang out in a setting where you women provide the food. Don't subsidize freeloaders. An occasional group activity is okay, but when you see men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex, I think you should lock the pantry and bolt the front door."

So, I've been given those three pieces of advice. I've followed them. I've asked on more dates than I've been asked on. I've flat out told guys the way I feel about them. I smiled so much my little brother told me to "stop smiling so much, you look like a freak." I've smiled so much while walking on campus that the smile turned into laughter. I'm sure that isn't the goal of smiling more, but I think I entertained a few people. The last bit of advice I'm not too proud of. I'm guilty of providing dinner for a group guys at least once a week. Whoops! I guess I followed the "a way to a man's heart is through his stomach" advice instead.

And now you may ask, what are the results of me "following" this advice? I'll tell you. I'm single. I'm living with my parents again. I don't even need to use all the fingers on one hand to count how many times I've been asked on a date. I'm still president of the Virgin Lips club I started in high school, quite possibly the last original member. Am I ashamed? Am I unhappy?  Do I spend each night crying into my pillow while watching Never Been Kissed?

Again, let me tell you. I am happy. I'm not ashamed. Never Been Kissed is one of my favorite movies, but I'm not watching it and crying all the time. And I can honestly say that I love my life.

Here is my advice to all, both boys and girls. Err, excuse me, to both MEN and WOMEN. ;) Date who you want, when you want, and how you want. Be yourself. If you are a girl who expects the guys to ask on dates, you don't constantly have a smile on your face, and you enjoy making meals for others, that is okay. If you are a guy who would rather complain to a girl than ask her out, you let girls cook for you and don't do anything in return, and you only ask a girl out if you already know you are really, genuinely interested and think you love her, that is okay. Just make sure you know who to blame if you are single. You are responsible for it. Not the girls who won't smile, not the guys you make dinner for. You. It is okay to be single. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Enjoy dating. Don't worry about it so much. And last, but not least, learn to be happy no matter what situation you find yourself in.

Milk Jugs

Last year, Chelsea was wasting time on pintrest. She discovered an igloo made out of milk jugs. We decided we should make one. We've been saving milk jugs ever since.

Basically, while still at school we thought we'd get enough milk jugs and make the igloo over the summer. I mean, who doesn't want a milk jug igloo in the summer? We had our entire closet stuffed with milk jugs. Several apartments were even helping save them, not knowing why.

So now, quite a while later, the igloo is yet to be made. We still haven't gotten enough jugs. Well, I guess I can't honestly say that since I haven't counted them in a while. Anyway, they have been stored in my garage, in my room, and in a storage room in my basement. My family still saves all them for me. Slowly, we are making progress on the number.

My mother hasn't been too fond of the idea. Unlike most mothers, she doesn't want her house to be full of milk jugs. Crazy, right? While at work today, my dad texted me and said "call me about milk jugs, please." I panicked. I knew they were stressing my family out, but I wasn't ready to give up on it. I called Julia, and through her I decided with Chelsea and Staisha that we do still want to make this igloo, and as soon as we can all have a weekend off of work, we will make it happen.

I came home and explained this to my dad. He was okay with it. I think. He and Mitchell were cleaning out the garage and wanted the milk jugs to be stored somewhere else. I thought that was understandable. So I moved four giant garbage bags full of jugs into the basement. I didn't mean to, but I left a box full of them on the driveway.

My dad came home from the gym around eight. He threw the door open and said, "Sorine! Come help me clean the milk jugs up! They're all over our lawn!" Yeah, guess the wind wanted to try and make an igloo, too.

So, if you happened to drive by our house today and wondered why we had milk jugs in our grass, don't worry. It's just me attempting another craft. ;)

Pain

Pain is something each one of us has to deal with. However, pain isn't the same for all people. One of my roommates showed me how the little pain for me can be huge for someone else and the huge pain for me can be little for someone else. She had suffered a major neck injury and even years later I witnessed the horrible pain she felt from it. It was hard for her hearing others complain about a sore neck when she knew first hand what true neck pain could be. She never let it bother her. She was a huge example to me of how we shouldn't judge and how we need to be aware that everyone feels things differently.

The most pain I have personally ever felt was a different kind of pain. My little sister died when I was about twelve years old. It still is the hardest thing I have to deal with.  My class at school sent me flowers, a teddy bear, and a binder full of personalized letters from each student. I felt like each letter was exactly the same. "I know what it feels like," they would say, "my great-great-great-great grandmother died when I was three. It was hard for me." Of course that is a bit of an exaggeration, but that is what it sounded like to me. I hated it. They didn't know what it felt like. I lost my little sister. She was two years old, not four hundred and nine.

I remember hearing people tell me "I'm so sorry" and "Is there anything you need?" so many times that I wanted to punch someone and then hide under my bed and never come out. Why where they sorry? It wasn't their fault. After all, I felt like the fault was mine. And yes, there was something I needed. I needed my sister back. I needed the weird unfamiliar feeling to go away. I needed them to leave  me alone and let me grieve with my family for five minutes before another knock would come on the door.

I don't mean to say that I didn't appreciate the love and kindness and service we received during that time - I'll never forget it. Now it means more to me than just about anything else, but at the time I just didn't want to see people. There was one person, however, that didn't make me want to scream in frustration when I saw her face.

I was back in my room, trying to hide from the people I didn't even know. So many people were showing up and I just wanted to get away from it all. That's when the knock came on my bedroom door. My best friend Mindy had showed up. I met her at the front door where she looked at me and nodded. We both didn't want to talk in front of all the scary adults we'd never met. We walked back to my room and she said, with tears screaming to be released from her eyes, "I keep telling myself not to cry, that I need to be brave." I broke down and cried for the billionth time that day. But this time, it felt better. Someone was there for me, trying to be brave, but she understood how hard it was for me and wasn't afraid to sit on my bed with me and just let it all out.  I don't know what was going on through her head at this time. I don't know how hard it was for her to come over. But I do know that it helped me more than anything.

It may sound lame or small or completely insignificant, but I'll never forget how much of a difference it can make to just let your emotions out with someone to be perfectly honest and just cry.

Thanks again, Mindy, for being there with me, helping me stay strong, and reminding me that I know it isn't over, that I will see her again. The important thing to remember is there is always someone who understands every little thing we will ever feel. All we have to do is turn to him and he'll be there to comfort us.

A Dilemma.

I realized something today. It finally hit me - I graduated High School. I've completed two years of college. Those are big accomplishments.

Problem is, I don't know what to do now. Yes, I had the schooling, but there was no direction with it. My interests are all over the place and I can't make up my mind long enough to get anything done.

Everyone lately has told me the solution is to get married. And yes, I mean everyone. I don't think I go a day without someone bringing it up. Here is a story to prove my point: My ten year old cousin has decided that since I am single and oh what do you know, there is a boy in her ward who just came home from his mission, the two of us must be in love. So she now follows me around singing, to the tune of "I know that my redeemer lives," "I know that_______ loves Sorine! Because he came home from his mission, I know that _______ loves Sorine!" She adds a line or two each day. I admit, it is pretty funny. However, today when she suggested her mom set me up on a blind date and her and her sister can double with us... I had visions of her following me around signing that song when I have company around. Not sure I'll find it so cute then. It's like having little siblings all over again. Haha.

Story number two: Same cousin. I was at her house before leaving for church on Sunday (see previous post). She was singing in the background as I talked to her mom and her other siblings. When I left, she yelled out the door "GOODBYE SORINE WHO NEEDS TO GET MARRIED!"

Anyway, my brother is also one who claims marriage is the answer. When I was living at home he'd come into my room all the time and just say, "Sorine, why aren't you married yet?" He'll ask me that question whenever there is a lull in conversation. It wouldn't surprise me if he mutters it in his sleep. Now that I'm not living at home, it isn't as bad. Though I do get a random text or two asking me the question, or hinting at it or something.

To answer his question I simply say "You have to be engaged before you can be married." The conversation then seems to never end...

Mitchell: When are you getting engaged?
Me: You have to date before you can be engaged.
Mitchell: When are you going to date?
Me: You have to have friends before you can date.
Mitchell: Why don't you have friends?

And there you have it. My dilemma. I spend too much time answering my brothers endless questions and listening to my cute little cousin sing that I don't make friends. Hopefully this week in the singles ward people will show up and I can attempt to be witty and charming and eventually make friends. :)

Single.

For those of you who don't know, I have moved in with my grandparents. I moved up here mostly for a change. It's basically a long story, but it boils down to the fact that I need something new. I love being home and with my family, but I wasn't doing anything there. So, on a Wednesday we called my grandma and on Sunday I drove up. It happened quickly, but it has been a good decision so far.

Anyway, the Sunday I drove up Grandma went to my aunt's ward to hear my cousin play the piano. While there she sat next to a "good looking returned missionary who would be delighted to take me to the singles ward next week."

I planned on going to church with this guy, whoever he is, but things fell through. Awkwardly. I'll spare you the details on everyone's lack of communication, but either way I ended up going to the singles ward with my 13 year old cousin.

I've never been good at getting anywhere on time. So when getting ready for church this morning, I made sure I had plenty of time to drive to the building about fifteen or so minutes away and possibly even stop by my aunt's house on the way. I picked up my cousin and we made it to the building fifteen minutes before sacrament meeting started.

We took our time getting into the building, returning to the car for a piece of gum, going in to the bathroom, and finally choosing a seat in the chapel. The very empty chapel. In fact, other than us there was just one other lady. She obviously wasn't a single, so I just assumed she was from the previous ward.

When one rolled around and still no one was there, we got really confused. The lady approached us and asked if she was in the right place. We didn't even know if we were in the right place. After about ten minutes of confusion, we discovered that the ward had met with another singles ward for a special pioneer sacrament meeting of some sort.

Good news: I'm not the only single left out there.

Bad news: I missed out on church this weekend.

Lesson learned: When you have the opportunity to go to church with a "good looking returned missionary who would be delighted to take you," you darn well better take it. Otherwise, you may be left alone thinking you're the only surviving LDS single.

Dreams

We've all imagined how our lives would turn out. Well, I know I have. Personally I've spent many hours day dreaming about how I'll be rich, or I'll be an adventurer, or how I'll just live in a small house with millions of cats, or even that I'll finally learn to travel through time and live with the dinosaurs.  The problem is, until I get up off of my lazy tush, they're just dreams. How many people out there actually end up doing the thing they dreamed of their entire lives? Or better yet, have a job that actually fits with what they went to school for?

I've often heard stories of people who dreamed of becoming this or that but somehow they ended up on a different path. Now, the path they ended up on worked out for them, they are happy. But, when hearing the stories, peeking out from behind their eyes is a look of disappointment and hope. They wish they would have gone after their dreams, and maybe part of them still has hope that things will work out the way they had always imagined. 

Almost two months ago, I got a call for a job interview. It wasn't an ideal job. I'd be driving 40 minutes to and from each day, working little hours, and it wasn't anything spectacular or glamorous. But after spending hours applying for jobs, I was happy to finally have an interview. And I thought my parents would have the same feeling. They were happy, but my dad sat me down for a "lecture" that night. 

Dad explained to me that I have options. I needed to decide if I wanted a job, or if I wanted to work towards a career and get on a path. He wasn't lecturing, more like guiding in a loving way, letting me know that no matter what I did with my life, he would still support me. The problem was that I didn't know what kind of path I wanted to be on. All I knew was that I needed money and I needed to be doing SOMETHING with my time.

I went in for the interview with a pessimistic attitude. Not in the sense that I wouldn't get the job, but in the sense that I would get the job and not know what to do about it. I'm not one who likes making decisions. Before I talked to my dad, whether I took the job relied solely on whether or not they gave it to me. But he pointed out that I have to, at some point, decide what I want to do with my life and that I should try harder to take a job that has some relation to some thing I may be somewhat interested in someday.

I had two interviews. Both started out with the interviewer giving me a brief history of their experience with the store. The first one said she had gotten a job after going to a little bit of college and has stuck with it for two years. The second had been there many years and was now a single mother. I realized I didn't want to be sucked into that trap. The trap of sticking with something just for the security of it.

I drove home with a determination to make my dreams come true. Even if I'm not sure what they are yet, I'm going to find out and I'm not going to give up. I don't want to be an old cat lady luring strangers into my home to talk about how I could have been something. Because I can be something now. The only thing standing in my way is me. 

It's Magic!

The following story is absolutely true.

Mitchell, Mom, and I were sitting at the table eating a positively healthy dinner of hot dogs and mandarin oranges. As the meal was coming to an end, Mom looked over at Mitchell's plate and said, "What on earth do you think you're doing?" He had poured his glass of water onto his plate so it was barely not spilling over.

"Nothing!" He responded.

"Mitchell," my mom wasn't happy. "Sorine just cleaned the floors. If you spill any of that you will have to clean it up."

"MOM!" he stood up. "I'm doing a magic trick! If you would pay any attention to my life you would know that I'm becoming a magician."

Mitchell then performed a delightful magic trick using a candle, a piece of hot dog, his cup, and some matches. Needless to say, my little brother is becoming a magician. And we would have known months ago had we simply paid more attention to his life.

The end.

When I grow up

There is a question we've all been asked since the time we could talk in complete sentences. It is the one question just about everyone you come in contact with wants to know the answer to. Problem is, it doesn't always have an answer. When I was little I always waited excitedly for someone to ask it. Now, I dread it. The ominous question - What do you want to be when  you grow up?

I've given so many answers it isn't even funny. Sure, when I was eight it was cute to hear me say I wanted to grow up and be a tight rope walker. But if I were to say that now... I can just imagine... "So, Sorine, tell us. What are you majoring in?" "Oh, try not to be intimidated or anything, but I'm majoring in Circus Performance with an emphasis in the Tight Rope." 

There are different versions of this question. One example, most common in the college world, is the one used above. What's your major. You'd think this one would be easier, after all, it is a bit broader and by the time you start hearing it you've had some experience to narrow down your choices. However, I have had an even harder time coming up with an answer to this one. 

For a while, I got angrier and angrier whenever the words "what's your major?" were directed towards me. I've always been very indecisive and when it comes to MAJOR decisions, I just can't make up my mind. It doesn't help that my interests are so scattered. 

I thought I had come up with the perfect solution. Not only did it solve my major problem, but also Julia's. "What's your major?" someone would ask. I'd smile politely and respond with "I'm majoring in Dinosaur and the becoming thereof. Julia will be my guinea pig." It was perfect. Once  I mastered becoming a dinosaur I could trample where I please and eventually take over the world. 

Unfortunately, that didn't pan out. At least at the schools I've looked into, no one offers classes on how to become a prehistoric reptile. Although I personally think it should be a required course. After all, who knows when dinosaurs will come back. And the only way we can survive is to become a part of them... subject for another blog another day. 

So, as generic, pathetic and lame as it may be, my response is always "I'm just doing my generals for now, but I'm thinking of [insert interest of the day here]." I don't enjoy the look of disappointment that often follows. But hey, I'm only twenty. I have time to to really think about it before an official decision needs to be made. 

Let's just hope someone doesn't hold a gun to my head and say "What do you want to be when you grow up? Answer or you become brain pudding." 

Truth is...

I'm very attracted to red heads.

I'm not really a big fan of tacos.

Once in a while, I'll pretend to be a dinosaur when I'm eating my food.

Okay, not once in a while. I pretend to be a dinosaur probably more often than I should.

And to be honest, I pretended to be a dinosaur while eating a chicken sandwich in my prom dress at Wendy's.

I was once hit in the face with a kayak.

I broke my arm when I was two. I fell off the piano bench and landed in a basket of laundry.

I think I'm funny.

I do the macarena quietly at the most random moments.

I don't know how tall I am. And I think I'll keep it that way.

I always remember at least a small detail of my dreams.

Never Been Kissed is the story of my life.

John Cusack is my favorite.

I could spend all day watching movies and be happy.

I really like myself. :)

Being a Goodworth :)

Spending time away from my family and with other people has helped teach me how strange the Goodworth family really is. What I found to be normal, other people thought me crazy for doing. Like I talked about here, I'm so glad I'm a party of this family. I absolutely LOVE being a Goodworth. I've noticed, lately, that it takes a lot to be a Goodworth and there are a few qualities that EVERY Goodworth has, whether they like it or not.

1. Every Goodworth thinks they are funny.
Yes. This is a big one. When you are in a room with my family you can't help but notice when someone thinks they are funny. Everyone has their own way of covering up their snickers before they tell a joke. My roommates and friends have often caught me trying not to laugh before I say something I think is funny.

2. We laugh even if no one else laughs.
This continues off of the first one. If we think we are funny, we laugh. I'll admit it, I'm often the only one laughing at my jokes.

3. We talk over each other, but somehow still manage to listen.
Prime example from earlier today:

Mitchell: I hit a bird the other day.
Me: That's depressing.
Mitchell: Yeah, it was bad.
Me: I hit a bird once.
Mitchell: The guts were all over the window.
Me: It flew away.
Mitchell: It didn't fly away.

4. We get crazy and don't make any sense whatsoever, but we understand one another.
The only way I can explain this is through this post Julia, Spencer and I made a while back. Read it. We think we're funny. :)

5. We stink...or at least think we do.
Read the end of this post. It says it says it all. One of my favorite family moments. :)

Okay, I know this just kept sending you to previous things I've written, but hey, I enjoy writing about my family. Seriously, I've never met anyone who hates the Goodworth family. Whether you think we're funny or not, you can't deny that we are entertaining. :)

That is the one thing about being a Goodworth that I can never get enough of. We don't have a filter. Unlike other people, we do the first thing that comes into our minds - throwing scriptures in the car, log rolling to the kitchen, dancing and singing about bananas - we don't care if we look ridiculous, we care if we're happy.

If you haven't heard me say it before, I absolutely, positively, 100% love being a Goodworth. :)

What I wish I could say...

I never felt like we were truly friends. I've always been there for you, even when you didn't want me there. Yet  you haven't been there for me lately and I really needed you. No matter what I do it isn't good enough. It's been a one sided friendship all along and I honestly don't know why I've stuck with it.

I've always been overlooked. And I trusted you with my deepest feelings and thoughts. But I don't think you really cared. And now even you're overlooking me.

You're a jerk. That's all there is to it.

You're the best friend I've ever had. When I say we'll be friends forever, I actually mean it. As cheesy and lame as that may sound. Thanks for eating the crazy, unhealthy food combinations with me and for listening to me ramble and rant over the smallest things.

Even after I yelled in your ear when we were five, you stayed my friend. And I'm so grateful for that. You've seen me happy, sad, angry, anxious and everywhere in between. You better still be around to see me attempting to run through sprinklers when my thighs don't work.

I feel like you used me. And now that I can't help you get the girls you want, you find no point in our friendships. I understand. Actually, I don't. But whatever, I'll get over it.

I don't like it when people don't like me. I'll do just about everything I can to keep a friendship. But I don't even know what else to try with you.

You're welcome for all the free food.

Thanks for trying. It really made a difference.

I'm sorry for the way I handled things. I wish I could go back and change it all. Thanks for still putting up with me and wanting to be my friend. And even though it'd be hilarious if you did, it probably isn't the best idea to send him a fish and gross rabbit hair.

Just be honest with me.

I miss you. More than anything. I still feel responsible for what happened, and SO guilty. Please forgive me. I'm doing my best, trying to anyway. There is no way I could ever live up to what you could have become.

I'm worried about you. I want to support you, but it's getting to the point where I don't know what to do anymore.

Quit hiding. Take responsibility for you're life and actually do something.

I know. I don't know if'it's still going on, and I don't want to know. But please understand that I'm here for you no matter what.

I've always looked up to you. I never understood how you could easily hide all your cares, fears, worries and just listen. I wish I would have done the same for you.

You make me laugh. Harder than anyone out there. Don't ever doubt yourself because you really are outstanding.

You amaze me. The way that you don't care what anyone thinks, how you don't ever judge or talk harshly, how your one hundred percent yourself. I admire that.

You are stronger than you think you are.

Life is hard. And we all have different taste buds.

Thank you for making me who I am.

Artsy, Fartsy...

I've never been too good at art. I went through a stage where I thought I was good, but I'll probably keep that sketch book for private viewing only.

However, I do consider my mind to be a creative one. I've got an imagination. And lately,  I've tried turning my "artsy" ideas to projects. It's going quite smoothly, if you ask me. However, Chelsea walked into our apartment and said, "Sometimes I walk into our apartment and wonder what kindergartner lives here." She's right, our decorations are much like what a kindergarten class would come up with.

Last weekend Chelsea and I made a "chandelier" out of toilet paper rolls, construction paper, string, Hello Kitty duct tape, and some wire hangers. I rather like the way it looks, although those who are taller than me may find it a bit annoying. I forget that hanging things at my height doesn't always make others happy. Maybe one day I'll hang it higher. And maybe one day I'll even put lights in it to make it a true chandelier.

For a while now Julia and I have been wanting to do that melted crayon art. Seeing how I am home this weekend we decided to actually do something we've wanted to do. Even though I'm no artist compared to her (my drawings/paintings/doodles all consist of the same fat dinosaur), I figured I could cut, glue, and apply heat.

The hardest part was trying to decide what colors, picture, and pattern to do. I thought of everything from a swing, Peter Pan, Alice in Wonderland, music notes, and dinosaurs. I like what I finally decided on. It turned out, in my opinion, perfect. :) Spencer and Julia both made one too. And they are all, very much, our personalities. :)

For the first time I'm attempting to add pictures to my blog...deep breath...here goes...





This one is Spencer's. He wanted to do all black, white, and grey, but there weren't enough crayons. He added in the brown and there still weren't enough to cover the top of the canvas. However, it turned out pretty cute.

  












This one is Julia's. Of course, her's looks the best. She was also done first and somehow managed to put the most work into it. Yeah, my little sister is amazing! :)

And this one is mine. Not quite how I pictured it, but for me it is impressive. :)








And that is our weekend art project. A lot of fun! If I was rich, I'd probably be making more. That way I wouldn't have to decide between swings, Peter Pan, Alice, music, or dinosaurs. ;)


PS For anyone interested, my dad started a blog today....you can see it here.

Hard Things

Lately I've been thinking. Obviously I've been doing more thinking than blogging...sorry if there is anyone out there truly upset by my lack of posts...

Anyway. I've been thinking about trials. Why we have them, what we do with them, and how to come out of them. This may sound slightly familiar to anyone who reads my blog. And that is because I talked about it here almost exactly a year ago.

This time of year actually has some significance in my life. For those of you who know me and my family you understand that the time around the holidays can be a very hard and emotional time for us. Once the holidays are over I've got a lot on my mind. I think about how I've changed, what I've learned, and who I've become.

I remember when it first happened. I thought my life was over. I thought I'd never be happy again. I thought it was the worst, most horrible thing that could ever happen. I didn't understand why God would put me and my family through such a bad thing. We were good people, we didn't deserve it, right?

When one of my uncles sat his family down to talk about what my family was going through, he discussed with them what exactly it was. He asked them if bad things could happen to good people. They responded with yes, bad things do happen to good people. We were good people, but what we were going through was a bad thing. He went on to explain that bad things don't happen to good people, but hard things happen to good people.

I've always interpreted that little statement to mean that good people will have trials happen that, in the long run, will become easier to deal with. When looking back we can see the good that has come from a trial. That, as it says in D&C 90:24, by searching diligently, praying always, and believing, all things, including trials, will work together for our good. Although I still see it this way, I've also come up with a new way to look at it.

The same thing could happen to two different people - one who is living their life the way they should be and another who isn't exactly making the right choices. The second person will most likely see is as a bad thing. They may dwell on it, possibly grow from it, but chances are they'll always wish the bad thing would go away. The first person, however, will look at it and realize that hard things happen, but that isn't the end. It isn't the trial that makes it bad or hard, but how the person handles it.

I feel as if I've handled it in a way that I'm proud of. Like I talked about in my post last year, I'm happy with who I've become and how that trial helped to shape me. With the right attitude, the "bad" things in life can be turned to "hard" things and possibly even later it can become something to be grateful for.

The next thing that I've got on my mind is why we have trials. It was so hard for me. I was constantly asking WHY it had to happen, WHAT I did to deserve the pain and sorrow I was feeling, WHY was Heavenly Father putting me through this?

I know I say this about every scripture, but this is one of my favorites. In D&C 121:7-8 it says "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high." In the eternal perspective, our trials will not last long at all. We shouldn't dwell on them, be afraid of them, or let them take over our lives.

President Harold B. Lee said "Don't be afraid of the testing and trials of life. Sometimes when you are going through the most severe tests, you will be nearer to God than you have any idea, for like the experience of the Master Himself in the temptation on the mount, in the Garden of Gethsemane, and on the cross at Calvary, the scriptures record, 'And, behold angels came and ministered unto him.' Sometimes that may happen to you in the midst of your trials." Our trials and sufferings can bring us closer to God than anything else, we just have to let it happen. After all, who can understand better than the man who went through our pains, afflictions, temptations, sicknesses, and infirmities? Who can better help you than your Savior?

Our Heavenly Father wants us to be near him. He wants, more than anything, for his children to return to him. The way that we will make it back to him is by enduring to the end. In my mind, enduring means progressing, changing, becoming. I've noticed that trials often come right after a spiritual high or right when you think life can't get better. Sending a trial at this time is His way of saying "I'm proud of the choices you've made. You've come so far. You can make it through this, too." Trials aren't sent as punishments. They are sent because He wants us to turn to him, strengthen our testimonies, and become better people.

Thinking about how happy this gospel makes me, stops my words. I can't express my gratitude, my joy, or my love. I do know, with ever piece of me, that it's true. No matter what your trial is you are NEVER alone. As Elder Scott pointed out in his talk about the atonement, NOTHING was forgotten. Whether you're suffering making time for everything, or you don't understand your classes, or you still struggle with something that happened a long time ago, you are not alone. He loves you more than you can imagine.

"The vast expanse of eternity, the glories and mysteries of infinite space and time are all built for the benefit of ordinary mortals like you and me. Compared to God, man is nothing; yet we are everything to God."
 - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf.

He has already suffered for us. Turning to him is all it takes.