One Step at a Time

Let me be honest, this is not where I pictured myself to be at this point in my life.

This past week, I met a lot of new people. While getting to know one, a friend said "Sorine works at an elementary school and is writing a book." I felt accomplished. While meeting another, a different friend said, "Sorine's kind of having a midlife crisis." I felt pathetic.

In both situations, we were talking about the same thing, the fact that I'm not going to school right now. A lot of people, including myself, often see this as a negative thing. After all, it is good to have an education, school is where you meet people, and to be blunt, you just gotta get out of the house.

One thing I've noticed about meeting new people or catching up with people I haven't seen in a while, is they all give me the same disappointed look. If I'm just meeting them, they pretty much toss away the thought of becoming friends. If I'm not getting an education, I must not be worth it. If I know them, they give me a look that says, "Come on, Sorine, I thought you were better than that."

As I said, this isn't how I pictured my life. And I see the fact that I'm not at school as a negative thing. Why am I not at school then? The response that I normally give is, "I didn't want to take out a loan, so I'm saving money to go back next year." This is true, but as always, there is more to it.

When in high school, I had an experience (possibly a topic for another blog another day) that completely changed my outlook on life. I wanted to serve a mission. The gospel brought me joy and I loved it more than anything. I didn't want to live selfishly, I wanted to share the joy I felt.  I wanted people to know that they don't have to be alone, that they are loved, that they are children of God.

I stuck with that decision and tried really hard to learn and grow as much as I could. I had it all planned out, I'd go to school and get my associates, come home and work until I was 21, and then leave on a mission. A mission was all I could see. Of course, there were times I doubted it, wondered if I could really handle it. But each time I prayed about it, I got a feeling that I should keep living how I was and keep learning as much as I could. Seeing how a mission was what I wanted, I turned that answer into the idea that I NEEDED to serve a mission.

However, as I ended my second year of school and the time to start my papers came closer, I began to pray and fast about it more often. And although I was still getting the feeling that this learning and growing thing was good, I was also getting the answer that I needed to stay home, He needed me here.

Deciding not to go on a mission but to instead to go where He wanted me to be was one of the hardest things I had to do. I had everyone doubting me, worrying I was falling away from the church. People were telling me I needed to pray and fast about it before making such a serious choice. They couldn't see that I already had, that I was struggling enough on my own. If anyone is reading this, please remember, you never know the full story. NEVER judge anyone or make them feel like less of a person because of a decision they've made. Each individual is in a different situation. Placing judgement because you think they aren't making the right decision isn't okay. What I needed right then was support, and believe it or not, it was difficult to find.

After General Conference and the announcement of the age change for missionaries, I couldn't help but look back on my life wonder what would have been different if I had the option of serving a mission at age 19. I honestly don't know. However, I do know that I wouldn't change the experiences I had at school for anything.

I still don't know what Heavenly Father has in store for me. Right now I'm living at home, I'm teaching math part time at an elementary school, I work for my dad as a second job, I spend my free time writing a book that I'll probably never dare to let anyone read, and my social life is nonexistent. If that gives you the idea that I'm having a midlife crisis, that I'm a deadbeat, or that I am less than you, then fine. So be it.

I've learned so much through all of this. What's been the hardest to keep, however, is a good perspective. I need to remember that I am blessed. I have a job that I love, I'm living with a family who will do anything for me, and I find ways brighten my day. As one of my favorite hymns says, "Lead kindly light, amid the encircling gloom; lead thou me on! The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead thou me on. Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene - One step enough for me."

I know I am where He wants me to be. It is different than what I had planned, but I also know the result will be better this way. He can see the road ahead of me. He knows what's best for me. I'm following the best I can. Even though it's hard and I sometimes feel like a deadbeat having a midlife crisis, I can be happy. And you know what? I am. I don't know what he has in store for me next, but I'm going where He wants me to go, one step at a time.