A matter of when

It seems that this time of life is full of big challenges and decisions. In fact, it doesn’t just seem to be that way, it truly is that way. While in this phase we decide our entire future. Oftentimes, it is daunting, overwhelming, and just plain terrifying.

I remember being warned of this when in high school, especially my senior year. “Beware, Sorine Kae,” everyone said, “you are entering the dreaded decision making phase of life. Choose carefully, for the choices you make now will affect you and your family for always and eternity!” Of course, this was always said with the best Madame Zeroni impersonation possible.

Alright, I may not have ever heard those exact words. And the Madame Zeroni voice was just in my head. But I was warned and advised to make good decisions. So, I made a little plan for myself. I thought of all the things I needed or wanted to do in the next five or so years and determined when and where they would all happen. I knew when I’d serve a mission, where I’d go to school, when I’d get my degree, when I’d get married, when I’d have children, I knew it all. Well, except for what my degree would be in and the name of my husband, but I’d get to that later. The point is, I had it all planned out.

I graduated from high school five and a half years ago.  I thought that by now I would be a returned missionary, I’d be married, and I’d be a semester or two away from finishing my degree with the most fabulous major to ever exist. Instead, I didn’t serve a mission. I’m still about two years away from finishing a degree. And I’m still as single as ever.

What you are probably expecting now is for me to go into a list of all the wonderful things I’ve accomplished instead and for me to talk about how marvelous my life has been. But, that’s not happening. You see, sometimes I really struggle with the fact that nothing has turned out how I had planned. It isn’t easy. It doesn't feel marvelous.

This Christmas, I’ve been thinking about the wise men. “Wise men still seek him” is a saying I’ve seen on signs, in pictures, facebook statuses, and basically anywhere deemed appropriate for words to be seen. Wanting to do just that, to seek Christ as the wise men did, I decided I first needed to learn how they sought Christ. So, doing as I’ve been taught, I turned to my scriptures.

In my study, I seemed drawn to the differences between the wise men and the shepherds. The shepherds were visited by an angel, they were told where to go, they found, as the angel had told them they would, the baby Jesus in a manger. What an incredible experience! They were there! To see the Savior in such humble circumstances, to witness Mary holding her newborn child and Joseph, who didn't turn away from what I imagine was a very difficult task, watching over the boy he would help raise. These shepherds... I can't even imagine what it must have been like to see that miracle. 

The wise men have a different story. They come into the picture later on. I'm not sure how much later, but it wasn't that same night. They weren't visited by an angel, they weren't told where to find the baby Jesus. Instead, the followed the star with faith, knowing that it would lead them to the Savior and that eventually they would get to meet Jesus. They didn't find Jesus in lowly manger, they didn't get to see Mary's joy as she first held her son. Instead, "they saw the young child with Mary his mother" (Matt 2:11). They brought gifts for Jesus, presented them, and then went back home. 

Now, I'd much rather have been there to see the Savior in the stable. That is how I would have planned it out. But, as I've learned, things don't go according to plan.

So, these wise men, where they disappointed? Was their experience of meeting the Savior any less spiritual, personal, or miraculous than the experience of the shepherds? Absolutely not! The Savior I've come to know, He doesn't turn anyone away, He welcomes everyone in, no matter when they get there. The Savior I know is constantly waiting for us to get to Him. And no matter when we get there, He will be waiting with His arms extended. 

And now, to attempt to put my thoughts into words. Sometimes, I feel like everyone around me is a shepherd. They've gone on missions, they're married, they've earned a degree, they've started to have kids, they're working in these fabulous careers. I am not a shepherd. I didn't get there when I thought it would be the most important time. 

I don't think Heavenly Father has a time frame for things to happen. He doesn't give us deadlines for when we must accomplish any of those life changing tasks. He does, however, know my desire to accomplish them. He understands my worry, my doubt, and my attempted effort. He cares about the challenges I face in trying to follow that star. He might not care about when I get it all done, but He sure does care that I'm trying, that I'm on that path, and, more importantly, that I'm seeking the Savior while on that path. 

This may not be a life altering thought for you like it was for me. But, as I've pondered the experiences of both the shepherds and the wise men, I've found myself taking in a new perspective of my own life. I'll get to those "important" things when I get there. But, along the way, I'll make sure I'm doing everything possible to show my Savior how much I love Him. It isn't the time frame that matters, but rather my desires, my actions, and the steps I make along the way. Even though life isn't how I wanted it, I still seek Him. 

A glimpse at my experience with depression and anxiety

It was Christmas break 2011. A group of us planned to do two things: see the lights at Temple Square and go ice skating. I remember coming up to the ice rink and freezing. Not because it was rather cold outside, but because I was having an anxiety attack.

Anxiety attacks were not new to me at this point, but they also weren’t something I understood yet. I didn’t know how to handle them. I wasn’t even sure if they were anxiety attacks.

Anyway, as we walked towards the ice rink, I slowed down. Fun was about to happen. With people I really enjoyed spending time with. A lot of people. And I shouldn’t be allowed to experience something like that.

So, I backed out. I ran away from fun. Instead, I went to Panda Express and, for the first time ever, ate the entire meal using only chopsticks. It was quite an accomplishment for me.

That night, I wrote in my journal about how much I’d grown. “Now, I at least go,” I wrote. I might not have gone ice skating, but I went with the group, I made it to Salt Lake. That was a huge accomplishment for me. More so than the chopsticks.

I’ve never been good in groups. But I honestly enjoy being around people. I enjoy social events. However, I’m not good at them and they are exhausting.  I’m awful at meeting new people. I often get carried away when trying to introduce myself. I either say absolutely nothing or I go overboard and tell this stranger everything from my favorite flavor of gum to the age and hair color of all my siblings.

The semester leading up to this Christmas break was a game changer for me. I made a new best friend – one who hadn’t grown up in the same town as me. I invited dozens of people to my apartment each week so that I could make them tacos. I even walked right up to a guy I was interested in and told him I liked him. I finished writing a children’s story and it wasn’t even for an assignment. I had a consistent group of friends – a support group I knew I could turn to. For the first time in my life, I realized that I could care deeply for people who weren’t family.

I couldn’t handle it though. Many nights were spent wandering around the campus, iPod playing depressing music, tears coming down my face. It overwhelmed me. To think that I was making friends? People were enjoying spending time with me? I was having fun away from my family? And, the weirdest part of all, I seemed to be okay with it? This wasn’t right.

Just writing about it now is overwhelming me. My stomach is tight, a heavy pressure is resting on my chest, my palms are sweaty, my breathing is heavy and quick.

So, anxiety. It’s real. I deal with it every day. It has prevented me from making friends, from spending time with the friends I’ve actually managed to make, and many more things.

Something else is real. Depression. It seems that these things are often linked. I rarely hear someone bring up one without mentioning the other. I don’t normally talk about how I deal with both every day. But I do.

Four years ago, when I walked towards an ice rink in Salt Lake, something told me I didn’t deserve to have fun. I wasn’t sure what to think or what I was feeling. So I left.

In order for me to enjoy life, I have to be completely aware of my emotions. I need to know what I’m feeling – if I’m feeling happy, sad, angry, indifferent… If I don’t know, then I can’t respond to the age old question of “how are you?” Saying “I’m good” would be a lie. And, you see, I can’t lie if I don’t know the truth.

Depression doesn’t mean I can’t ever feel happiness. My happiness just comes in spurts. I’ll be happy for about two minutes, then something will whisper in the back of my mind that I don’t deserve to feel that happiness. I’m able to fight it off. I know how to push it down and not dwell on it. Sometimes, it is a quick battle and I can bring the happiness back in just a few minutes. Other times, it takes longer. But, the point is, I’m not sure I currently know what it feels like to be happy for longer than two minutes.

Is that normal? Are most people able to feel happiness for longer than two minutes? Does everyone else have to battle the depression voice telling them they have to be sad?

There is one type of happiness that I feel is an exception to this. That happiness comes from God. It’s a feeling of peace, of comfort. When sitting in the temple, I don’t have to fight the voice telling me I can’t be happy. When reading my scriptures, I don’t have to feel anxious about life.

I mentioned that I know how to fight it off. It comes from using the Atonement. Christ didn’t just suffer for my sins, He suffered for this depression I’m feeling, for the anxiety I feel. He knows what it is like to struggle to have control over your emotions. He knows because He felt it. He went through it for me.

So, when that voice whispers that I shouldn’t be happy, another voice whispers back that happiness is possible. I know that one day I’ll be able to experience never-ending happiness (Mosiah 2:41). As I keep the commandments, and use the atonement daily, I’m getting one step closer to that happiness. It’s hard. Battling depression and anxiety isn’t easy. Talking about it isn’t easy. Writing about it isn’t easy. Thinking about it isn’t easy. But, the hope to one day be rid of this, to one day “dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness,” that hope is worth it. 

Miracles

Recently, I've been thinking about miracles. We see them all throughout the scriptures. The Savior performed so many of them! He fed thousands with so little, He gave sight to the blind, He healed the sick, He raised the dead... I often wish I could have been there to see the incredible things He did. It seems that now, we don't notice the miracles anymore. But, they happen. We need them. And the Savior is willing to fill our lives with them.

One of my favorite scripture stories (a certain group of girls would tell you I say that about every scripture story) is in Mark 5:22-42. It is really two stories - or two miracles - combined, and that is why I love it so much. Each time I study it, something new stands out to me. I tried to have a focus with this post, but I found I couldn't talk about just one aspect of this story. So, here are my thoughts on this incredible block of scripture.

Walk with the Savior.
In verse 23, Jairus explains his situation to the Savior. Basically, his daughter is going to die and he has faith that if Christ will lay his hands on her, she will live. And in the next verse, Jesus went with Jairus. I love that it happens right away. Isn't that how the Savior works? When we pray, having faith, and pour out our problems, Christ will be with us right away. However, that doesn't mean that our problems will be fixed right away. Jairus' daughter wasn't healed as soon as he asked the Savior for help. But the Savior was with him as soon as he asked for help.

Along the way, they pass a woman who desires to be healed and has such great faith that all she needs to do is touch Jesus' clothes. Had Jairus' daughter been healed right away, I'm not sure that this would have been able to happen. Often, on our path of sorrow, we will need to watch the Savior heal others first.

Have faith 
I admire the woman's faith. In verse 28 she says "If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole." Miracles take faith. Faith is action. The woman had to do something in order to be healed. She didn't just hope it would work, she did what she could to make it happen. We must do the same with our miracles. Do your part, and the Lord will take care of the rest.

As soon as the woman touches His clothes, she is healed. The scriptures use the word "straightway." It wasn't years later, it wasn't even moments later. It happened right away, it happened at once. Have faith that your miracles can happen at once, But...

Have patience - "Be not afraid"
Remember that miracles take time. Having faith that our miracles can happen right away is important. But it is just as important to have the patience when they don't happen right away. Jairus had faith that is just as incredible as the woman's faith. He believed that his daughter could still be healed. He had already explained his situation to Jesus. He had already begun the path with the Savior. What amazes me is the fact that he stayed. Jairus didn't leave and think that the woman's miracle was more important. He didn't give up. He still had faith - and patience - that his daughter could be healed. I feel that Jairus' example is more common in my life. Often when I am wanting a miracle, I see it in others first. And what a blessing that is! Because Jairus had faith and patience, he witnessed the savior perform two miracles. When waiting for your miracle to happen - whatever it may be - the Savior gives the best advice: "Be not afraid, only believe" (Mark 5:36).

"And told him all the truth..."
I mentioned before that all the woman had to do was touch the Savior's clothes and she was healed. She didn't need to talk to Him, she didn't even need to explain to Him what she needed. She had enough faith to simply reach out and she was healed.

The Savior could have kept on going, He could have continued on to heal Jairus' daughter. The woman had been healed, that's what she wanted. But, instead "He looked round about to see her" (verse 32). He sought her out, wanting to help her.  He allowed her to tell her story. He listened. He comforted.

The savior does that with us, too. He doesn't leave us as soon as we are healed. He will stay with us. Often when I pray and tell Him what is going on, I feel him say "What else?" The Savior listens and continues to help even beyond what we imagine.

"Why troublest thou the Master further?"
Over the summer I had the chance to be an EFY counselor. I know I mention it a lot, but it really is an amazing experience. However, it does have plenty of challenges. I had spent the entire summer putting my problems aside and helping the youth. It was incredible to do that. But, eventually everything came crashing down. I was nearing the end of the summer and was so worried about having to face my own trials again. I prayed, expressing this worry to my Heavenly Father, and then opened my scriptures. I read this story, but not all the way through. I stopped in verse 35 when it said "why troublest thou the Master further?" I bawled. I felt as if my problems meant nothing. Nothing could be done for me - there were no miracles that could take place.

The world will tell us this. They will "laugh us to scorn" (verse 40). They will have us believe that there is no hope. But that is not the case. Every little problem we face matters to the Savior. He suffered for every little thing we will ever encounter. There will never come a point when we trouble Him, when He won't be able to help us. If it matters to you, it matters to the Savior. He cares about you so much that "even the very hairs of your head are ALL numbered" (Luke 12:7). He knows you, He knows what you need. He won't give up on you, so NEVER give up on Him.

"What are you?"

In fall of 2012 I started a job at an elementary school. It opened up many doors for me and has really shaped my life. While at this job, I spent the majority of my time in kindergarten classes. I'd lead groups of about five students through different activities to help them with their reading. The activities were things they could do while talking to me, so I got to know these kids pretty well. And it seemed like they wanted to get to know me, too. They'd ask all sorts of questions.

One day, a little boy asked me if I was a mom. That seemed to be the most common question from these kids. I responded and told him no, I wasn't a mom. That wasn't enough for him. He needed a title for me. He proceeded to ask if I was a teenager or a wife or a grandma. When I told him no to each of those, he seemed genuinely concerned. "Well," he said, "what are you then?"

Even though it is now years later, this short conversation has been on my mind the past few weeks. I've started a job at another elementary school (this makes four) and the same little boy who asked me those questions attends this school as a third grader. Pretty sure he doesn't remember me, but that's okay. Anyway, I've started to ask myself that same question. What am I then?

I know what I'm not. So, let's start there.

I'm not a mother. And it's hard. Last week I sat in a Relief Society lesson and listened to this wonderful sister cry as she explained her desire to use her degree and have a career, but instead she is staying home with her kids. I held back my own tears as I thought of how I'm in the exact opposite situation. Because I want to be a mom more than anything. However, the thing is I'm not a mom. I'm not even close to being a mom. BUT, I'm an aunt. I'm so lucky to live closer to my adorable nephew, to see him every day, and to be a part of his life. I'm a cousin. My dad is the oldest of ten, my mom the oldest of four. I've got tons of cousins. And I love spending time with each of them. I've been in various jobs that have allowed me to work with kids and with youth. My favorite being the job of an EFY counselor. I've been able to pray with kids, watch them change, play games with them, learn with them. I may not be a mother yet, but Heavenly Father is still giving me as many opportunities as He can.

I'm not a teenager. It seems silly to say it. But, it's true. And not being a teenager anymore comes with a lot of challenges. I don't get to go to high school and see my friends every day. I don't get to stay out all night and still feel energized the next day. I have responsibilities now. Ones that stress me out so much I don't even want to talk about them. BUT, I get to interact with my little brother more through his teenage years. I get to be excited for him when he gets the lead in a play (which did just happen, by the way). I can still stay up late and I have more freedom in that. I have a job that allows me to be home earlier in the day, providing me with plenty of time to read or color or ride my bike or any of the things I loved doing while a teenager. I may be growing up, but I can handle it.

I'm not a student. It's fall. School is starting up again and all my friends are moving back to Logan while I stay here. It's not easy to hear about them taking classes and meeting new people. It's not easy to explain how I never did finish my degree. I honestly hate not being a student. BUT, I've had amazing work experiences. I'll be starting school online in January. And though it won't be the typical school experience, I'll be learning. When I finally have my degree, when I can finally be a teacher in my own classroom, I'll have worked within four different school districts, worked with all ages, and have had experiences that I couldn't have gotten while having the typical school experience.

I'm not a missionary/RM. If you follow my blog, or my life, at all then you've heard me talk about this. It's something I'm passionate about as it was something I really wanted in my life. I'll be honest with you, it isn't easy to be happy for people when they are given the chance to serve a mission. I think it is wonderful, but I can't help but feel sad that a full time mission is not a part of the plan Heavenly Father has for me. It's hard hearing of their stories and success, seeing the changes they go through. They get to experience this amazing thing. While I wanted to be on a mission, I lived at my parents house, away from friends, away from school, away from what I wanted in life. BUT, I still find ways to share the gospel. As I said before, I've been a counselor at EFY. I've been able to teach youth and to grow with them. My faith has increased more than I ever thought it would. And though I may not have served a full time mission, I've still been blessed with opportunities to share the gospel in little ways every day.

When my cute little student looked up at me full of shock and concern, I didn't know what to say. I honestly don't even know what I told him. I remember telling my sister the story later and she said, "Well, duh, Sorine. You're an adult. How hard is that to say?" And it is true. I am an adult. But today an even better answer came to me. One I've heard many times. One that I need to hear, and say, as often as possible. I am a child of God. And that's the only title I need.

What I wish I could say, round 3

Apparently this is becoming a tradition. Maybe I should just dare to open my mouth or something...

I don't understand you. And really, that's a good thing.

I'm glad we are on the same page with this whole guys/girls being friends thing. Because, honestly, it is possible.

Really, I don't know what to say here. I want to help you. It's a hard thing you're going through. But I don't know how to help you. Even though I can relate, your situation is different. And, in my opinion, much harder. Just know I'm here for you. And, more importantly, so is your Heavenly Father.

You don't have to try and convince someone you're fantastic. Because you are and it is easy to see.

So, sometimes, you really drive me crazy. I often have to leave because I know if I stay I'll want to shout things at you. Shouting isn't nice. Anyway, I still think you're great. You just got to let it show more. Not just the what-I-want-people-to-know greatness, but the secret greatness too. I know, cheesy. Oh, and hey, here's the ten bucks I owe you.

I'm not kidding when I say you're the best friend I've ever had. After I told you I was leaving, I cried knowing that the chance of us staying this close is pretty slim.

You make me smile. Everything about you. Really, I'm just slightly crazy about you. And, until now, I haven't admitted that. So, this is news to me, too.

I'm sad that we've lost touch.

You've grown up so much! And you've turned out to be remarkable. I never doubted it, though. I love spending time with you and hearing your stories. And I love how much you love hearing my stories. I hope we always stay this close. And, thanks for being such a gentleman. I wish I could have had a friend like you when I was in high school.

No matter what you choose to do with your life, I'll support you. Your choices are unlimited right now. You can do just about anything you set your mind to. Thanks for letting me be a part of your decision making process. Love you lots!

Thank you for always getting excited about my life. I know that no matter how repetitive my stories are, you'll still listen and respond with enthusiasm.

Growing up, I didn't always like you. But I always loved you. And I knew you'd be there for me no matter what. You still are.

So, basically, you're the friend I wish I was better friends with. I think you're awesome. How the heck are you still single? But, really, I'm glad you are. So, I'm selfish. But hey, I get a great friend and we can be single together.

I must meet this man! Even though I already have. And I think he's perfect for you. I'm beyond excited for your future.

Don't sell yourself short. You've got your options open to you, too, you know. Just because life isn't how you thought it would be doesn't mean it isn't wonderful.

That cake you are making smells really good. Plus, you're incredible. You've inspired me more than I could even say.

You are still pretty young. You've got a lot ahead of you and a lot of growing to do. I don't mean that in a oh man, you need to improve way. But in a oh man your future looks exciting way. I just hope you can stop looking so much on the past and see the greatness that is ahead of you.

And, that's all. I think I've told you everything. Now it's your turn.

You once told me - well, shouted at me - something that never left my mind. And as much as it hurt (and sometimes still does) I know that those words are what push me to improve.

Don't lie. It's bad for your taste buds.

Thank you! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!!

God's Love: It Removes Fear

Around this time last year, I wrote a post about fear. It is obvious how much I have let fear hold a place in my life. I have a lot of fears. Oddly enough, I'm not afraid to admit that. I honestly can't tell you what it was that made me write that post. I know I was terrified of something. But it has passed now. Whatever it was, it wasn't enough to completely consume me.

But I still have fears. Over the summer I had the wonderful opportunity to be an EFY counselor. Each week, when I would sit down and introduce myself to my new group of girls, I'd share my favorite scripture. 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I'd talk to them about the fears I have, starting little and getting to the bigger ones. I'm afraid of moths. I'm afraid of needles. I'm afraid of being the first car at a red light. I'm afraid of heights. I'm afraid of left hand turns. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of disappointing my parents. I'm afraid I won't be enough. I'm afraid...I'm afraid...I'm afraid...

The list could go on. In fact, in my head it really does. There are times when I let the list of fears just roll over and consume my thoughts. It isn't healthy.

One moment when I let this happen sticks out above all the rest. I say moment, but let's be real, it lasted for quite some time. I've talked about this story before (you can read it here and here), but I intentionally left out the detail of fear. I was afraid to talk about it. But I think it is important. So I'm talking about it now.

Because of the previous posts, I won't retell the entire story. But, for those of who not wanting to go back and read (don't worry, I wouldn't want to either), here's what you need to know. I wanted to serve a mission more than anything. I looked forward to it since I was sixteen. It was all I could think about and really the only part of my future I had planned. However, I didn't serve a mission.

And now the details I was too afraid to share before.

When in my last semester at Snow college, the one I assumed would be right before leaving on a mission, I took a mission prep institute class. It was wonderful! The teacher was one I had had for other classes and he and I were pretty close. As the semester went on, and my prayer/fasting about a mission increased, he could tell something was up. One day he handed me a note. Basically, it said he thought I was great and that if I wanted to talk about things he'd be willing to listen.

I immediately took him up on that offer. As soon as class was over we sat down in his office and I began to let it all out. I explained how badly I wanted an answer about serving a mission. As much as I wanted to go, my desire to follow what God had planned for me was even greater. I explained to him how I'd been praying, but hadn't gotten an answer either way.

His response was unexpected. He didn't reference scriptures of waiting for an answer or of listening to the spirit. Instead, he asked me what my real thoughts of serving a mission were, answers to prayers aside. So, I told him I was afraid. I expressed my anxiety over it all. I wanted to serve, but I was afraid.

That's when he opened the scriptures. And what scripture did he turn to? My favorite. 2 Timothy 1:7. "Where are these fears coming from?" he asked. And I realized I couldn't take those fears as an answer to my prayers. I'd been too scared, and those fears blocked my ability to really find out the answer. It wasn't until I faced the fears I had and brought them to my Heavenly Father that I was able to get an answer.

The reason I've never shared that part of the story before is because it almost seems like I didn't serve because I was afraid. That isn't the case. By the end of it all, those fears were gone. I wasn't afraid of serving a mission. If anything, my desire to serve only increased.

And that's what I want to focus on. Those fears were gone. How did that happen?

I've always been given the impression that having fear is a bad thing. However, in Elder David A. Bednar's most recent conference talk, he said, "Notably, one of the first effects of the Fall was for Adam and Eve to experience fear. This potent emotion is an important element of our mortal existence." When I heard that I was kind of surprised. Fear is important? And here I thought fear was a bad thing.

Fear is the lack of faith, right? Isn't that what I've always been told? How could lacking faith ever be a good thing?

That fear and faith thing always bothered me. I mean, I have a lot of fears! But I also have a lot of faith. Can they really not exist at the same time? Because they are both pretty constant themes in my life...

Elder Bednar gives three principles to removing our fear: Look to Christ, build upon the foundation of Christ, and press forward with faith in Christ. The last word in each of the principles is the same. Christ. He is the key to removing our fear. When I wanted an answer about serving a mission, I did all three of those things. I turned to Christ despite my fears. With his help, I was able to push the fears aside and focus on what really matters.

Today, I learned something incredible. Fear is not always the lack of faith, rather the lack of peace. I have fears. That doesn't mean I'm unfaithful. It means I lack peace. Through my faith I can take my fears to the Savior and feel peace.

Fear is still going to be a part of my life. But God loves me enough to provide a way to remove the fear and replace it with His peace, which passeth ALL understanding (Philippians 4:7). His peace exists. It isn't just some made up fairy tale to make me happy. It is real. I've felt it. And because of that, my fear can be removed.

Dating: The Dreaded Topic

Personally, I think life is great. It is full of ups and downs, but it's fun to see how it plays out. I'm at a wonderful point in life. Basically, I have my options open to me and I can do whatever I'd like. There are a lot of things in my future I have to look forward to. Plenty of opportunities that I'm simply beyond excited for.

Now, this isn't the end all of a happy life, but I'm single. Yeah, still. I've never been in a relationship. I've never been kissed. Honestly, I'm okay with it about 80% of the time. It's the other 20% that is hard.

In the Mormon culture you can't avoid the topic of dating. All those in my ward can confirm that there is a certain member of the bishopric who can't talk to you without bringing up dating. In a YSA ward, it is only natural for the bishopric to want us to get married. As much as they love us, they want us to get married and leave the ward. And it's hard to hear it from them. Even though the entire ward is unmarried (it is, after all, dedicated to the singles of the church), I still feel alone in it all.

It shouldn't be this way, but it is even harder around family. It's probably because they want me to be happy and they think marriage/dating can bring happiness to my life. They mean well, but the pressure often gets me down. I've gotten to a point where I don't even enjoy telling them about the new guy I'm interested in. Which is weird because I normally love telling them all those details.

So, the thing is, I'm twenty-three and single and it is hard. You know how I'm a journal nerd? Well, a lot of those journals are filled with ideas I had of why I'm single. I have pages and pages full of repulsive things about me. Things that I dislike. Things I wish I could change. Things I really shouldn't be focusing on.

For some reason, I have it in my mind that there is something wrong with me and that is why I'm still single. This year, I tried really hard to put myself out there (keep in mind that my idea of putting myself out there is probably completely different than yours. I'm shy and I keep to myself. Just getting to ward prayer is often a challenge). At the start of fall semester, my bishop gave me dating advice. At first, I was a little worried to hear it. I didn't want it to be something I couldn't do. But he knows me and he was really inspired in the advice he gave. And I followed it. I did the best I could. Honestly, other than flat out asking a guy on a date, I've done what I can to date.

So what's the problem, then? Why am I not dating?

And now I'm back to the blame me mindset.

After having a conversation with a friend (one who, on more than just one occasion, I have wished would ask me on a date) about dating, the answer came to me. I'm not caring enough. I don't do enough for others. I need to be more compassionate. I don't serve enough...

I couldn't stop. My mind was full of negative thoughts about myself.

Now, it's been less than two hours since this conversation. And in those two hours I didn't come to some miraculous conclusion of how I'm wonderful and some guy will be lucky to have me, even if I don't do all the kind acts I should. I wish I could say I've replaced all those thoughts. I wish I could say I've found a way to deal with it.

The truth is, I do need to serve more. I could be more compassionate. I need to reach outside of myself more. But to say that's why I'm not dating? Come on, Sorine. That's ridiculous.

And you know what? ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I need to quit telling myself what I'm doing wrong and think about all the good I'm doing. I'm not perfect. But I'm doing enough.

Two and a half years ago, I wrote a blog about dating. Here's the advice I gave at the end: "Be yourself. If you are a girl who expects the guys to ask on dates, you don't constantly have a smile on your face, and you enjoy making meals for others, that is okay. If you are a guy who would rather complain to a girl than ask her out, you let girls cook for you and don't do anything in return, and you only ask a girl out if you already know you are really, genuinely interested and think you love her, that is okay. Just make sure you know who to blame if you are single. You are responsible for it. Not the girls who won't smile, not the guys you make dinner for. You."

Harsh, right? But it is also the truth. The hard to accept, painful, difficult truth. I'm responsible for the fact that I'm still single. If I want to get to the next step in life, I need to leave the one I'm at. And moving forward means leaving your comfort zone. If I want a change, I have to change myself in order to get it. 

That's all, folks! 

God's Love: It's Personal

If you know me at all, (and, if you're actually reading this beginning to end, then I assume you do know me) then you know I hate making decisions. Even simple ones like what to eat for breakfast often stress me out. I recently had a big decision to make. It started out as simply a thought. But then that thought wouldn't leave. And before I knew it, it was all I could think about. It was eating at me.

I don't do this with every decision that stresses me out, because I believe that we "should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of [our] own free will" (Doctrine and Covenants 58:27). But, when it comes to the life changing decisions, I try to look to God in every thought regarding the situation, doubting not, fearing not (Doctrine and Covenants 6:36).

And so I turned to Him in prayer. I explained the situation and told Him all about the change I was thinking of making. I fasted. I attended the temple. I made pro and con lists. I talked it over with my close friends. And I prayed my heart out.

As time went on, I became so bogged down by it. I was continually praying about it. I'd kind of made a decision, but had yet to receive any sort of confirmation. I was beyond frustrated with it all. I needed to have the answer in order to start working on things. I felt as though I couldn't move forward at all until I knew it was the right choice.

I often hear stories of how someone is struggling and they kneel down, praying to Heavenly Father for someone to show they care. And then BAM! Their phone rings and it is someone who just got the feeling they should call. Or how an idea comes to someone's mind and they just know it is what Heavenly Father wants them to do. And through all this, it even seemed like the scriptures were full of stories like that.  The story in 1 Nephi 17 was on my mind. This is when Nephi is commanded to build a ship to take his family across the waters. In verse nine, when wondering where to get supplies, Nephi asks the Lord where he should go. Right after, in verse ten, it says "And it came to pass that the Lord told me whither I should go." There isn't even a verse in between where Nephi has to search for the place on his own or where his patience is tried, waiting for an answer. Sure, it was time sensitive. Nephi couldn't build the ship without the tools. But my situation sure felt time sensitive, too. Why wasn't this happening for me? I was keeping the commandments, I was doing what I should. Ask and ye shall receive, right? Why wasn't I getting an answer?

While doing my best to be patient and continue living my life, I'd add things to the pro and con list. I'd consider something else and discuss it with Heavenly Father through prayer. Eventually, I expressed my feelings of frustration to Him. I pleaded for an answer and committed to accept either answer, I just wanted to do what He would have me do. Still, no answer.

Now, pause this story for a moment. I titled this post "God's Love: It's Personal." And that is because of one of my favorite scripture stories, the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus in John chapter 11. Lazarus is sick and his sisters send for Jesus. However, when He gets there, Lazarus has been dead for four days. As soon as Martha heard Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him. In verses 21-22 it says, "Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. But I know that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it thee."

Jesus responds by building up her testimony. In verses 23, 25, and 26, He says, "Thy brother shall rise again. I am the resurrection and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?" This provided Martha with the comfort she needed to continue on. How could those words, coming from the Savior himself, not provide comfort?

Next, Jesus meets with Mary. She, in verse 32, says the same thing Martha had said. "Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died." Here we have two sisters, both suffering the loss of their brother. Both talking to the Savior. Yet, He responds in different ways. And verse 35 comes next, two simple words: "Jesus wept."

Why did He comfort each sister differently? Because Mary and Martha are not the same person. Christ loves them both equally and knows them both personally, just as He loves and knows each of us. Because they are different people, He responds differently to them.

Now, back to my story. A short time later (it really was just a short time, though it didn't feel that way while I was in it), I was working late for a literacy night at one of the schools I work at. It had absolutely nothing to do with the decision that I was faced with. But, while I was there, I got my answer. It made sense to me. It felt right. I knew it was what I needed to do. I can't express how wonderful that felt. The best word I can give is happy. I felt happy. Happier than I had in a VERY long time.

Once I got my answer, I understood why I had to wait. If the answer would have come to me right away, I probably wouldn't have accepted it. I would have tried to accomplish what He asked, but I would have continually been wondering if I had really prayed about it enough or really considered every option. Heavenly Father knows me. He knows that in order for me to be dedicated to something I need to have logic to back it up - it just has to make sense to me. He could have given me the answer right away. But He knows me. And He knew, better than I did, when I really needed my answer.

Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I know this. It often isn't how I imagine it to be, as I talked about here and here. But, He has my best interest in mind. In Moses 1:39 He says "For behold, this is my work and my glory - to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." He wants me to return to Him. It is His work to bring me home. He would NEVER send me on a path that would lead anywhere else.

God's love for each of us is personal. And because of that, we are given the chance to have a personal relationship with Him. He loves us! He will guide us, support us, lead us. He will always be there. His love for us is always there.

A Resolution that Stuck

Ten years ago I sat in my bedroom and started something that lasted. I was thirteen, thinking I knew just about everything. I wrote in my journal - bad grammar, atrocious spelling - about my goal for the coming year. So, just for you, here is what thirteen year old Sorine had to say on New Year's Day 2005:

"Geeze, it is going to be hard to write 05 up there from now on. But I guess that I will get used to it cuz I am going to write it in here every day! I no that I sed that 2 years ago and have only written 19 times since then, but I AM going to do it this year! And when you are full I'll get a new journal! Well it is kind of ovious that that is one of my new year resolutions."

Notice the fun style of writing I had in seventh grade. That's right, shortening words and spelling them incorrectly was very cool back then.

Anyway, ten years, 31 journals, and over 7500 pages later, I'm still writing every day. It did take a while to get used to and I missed a handful of days here and there. However, I can confidently say that I have not missed a day since 2007.

So, the question is, what have I learned from this? I've learned that goals can be accomplished. It is rough. I struggled doing it alone and tried to get others to join me. Turns out no one else finds journal writing parties as thrilling as I do. There were times I doubted myself, wondering if it was worth it. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've written about how I spent the day reading in my pajamas and asked myself why I keep doing this. But I've thought a lot about it and came up with a few things that keep me going.

#1 - Determination
I've written consistently for ten years. TEN YEARS! That is a long time. I don't want to break the chain. Even if I just talk about how tired I am at the end of the day, I'm determined to keep going.

#2 - Entertainment
I'm a Goodworth. As I mentioned here, Goodworths find themselves to be very funny. I love going back and reading about how I think waltz is spelled so cool, and how I'm going to cook noodles inside of a pool noodle, and how I want to go to college to learn how to become a dinosaur. Basically, I'm just a funny person.

#3 - Facts/Solving Arguments
There have been many times where someone I know needed to know something - what day did we have that ward activity where I met my husband? When was I ordained? Where were we for Thanksgiving last year? These questions have occasionally turned into debates (particularly that Thanksgiving one) and by opening up my journal I can figure it out.

#4 - Memories
This is the one thing that keeps me going above everything else. I'm so grateful I have a record of what I thought the day my little sister died. I'm so glad I have copies of notes my little brother has written me. I love the fact that my journals talk about the friends I had and the crazy things we did.

While writing this blog post I've flipped through a couple of my old journals. I don't think I can fully express the way they make me feel. You know how I mentioned that no one else finds journal writing parties as thrilling as I do? Pretty sure it's the same way with journal reading parties. And that's the thing about my journals, as selfish as it may be, I write for myself. I don't think anyone else will ever sit down and read through an entire journal of mine. In fact, I kind of don't want someone to ever have to sit down and read through my entire journal. They are probably boring to other people.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I'm a journal nerd. And it is time I put it out there.