Personally, I think life is great. It is full of ups and downs, but it's fun to see how it plays out. I'm at a wonderful point in life. Basically, I have my options open to me and I can do whatever I'd like. There are a lot of things in my future I have to look forward to. Plenty of opportunities that I'm simply beyond excited for.
Now, this isn't the end all of a happy life, but I'm single. Yeah, still. I've never been in a relationship. I've never been kissed. Honestly, I'm okay with it about 80% of the time. It's the other 20% that is hard.
In the Mormon culture you can't avoid the topic of dating. All those in my ward can confirm that there is a certain member of the bishopric who can't talk to you without bringing up dating. In a YSA ward, it is only natural for the bishopric to want us to get married. As much as they love us, they want us to get married and leave the ward. And it's hard to hear it from them. Even though the entire ward is unmarried (it is, after all, dedicated to the singles of the church), I still feel alone in it all.
It shouldn't be this way, but it is even harder around family. It's probably because they want me to be happy and they think marriage/dating can bring happiness to my life. They mean well, but the pressure often gets me down. I've gotten to a point where I don't even enjoy telling them about the new guy I'm interested in. Which is weird because I normally love telling them all those details.
So, the thing is, I'm twenty-three and single and it is hard. You know how I'm a journal nerd? Well, a lot of those journals are filled with ideas I had of why I'm single. I have pages and pages full of repulsive things about me. Things that I dislike. Things I wish I could change. Things I really shouldn't be focusing on.
For some reason, I have it in my mind that there is something wrong with me and that is why I'm still single. This year, I tried really hard to put myself out there (keep in mind that my idea of putting myself out there is probably completely different than yours. I'm shy and I keep to myself. Just getting to ward prayer is often a challenge). At the start of fall semester, my bishop gave me dating advice. At first, I was a little worried to hear it. I didn't want it to be something I couldn't do. But he knows me and he was really inspired in the advice he gave. And I followed it. I did the best I could. Honestly, other than flat out asking a guy on a date, I've done what I can to date.
So what's the problem, then? Why am I not dating?
And now I'm back to the blame me mindset.
After having a conversation with a friend (one who, on more than just one occasion, I have wished would ask me on a date) about dating, the answer came to me. I'm not caring enough. I don't do enough for others. I need to be more compassionate. I don't serve enough...
I couldn't stop. My mind was full of negative thoughts about myself.
Now, it's been less than two hours since this conversation. And in those two hours I didn't come to some miraculous conclusion of how I'm wonderful and some guy will be lucky to have me, even if I don't do all the kind acts I should. I wish I could say I've replaced all those thoughts. I wish I could say I've found a way to deal with it.
The truth is, I do need to serve more. I could be more compassionate. I need to reach outside of myself more. But to say that's why I'm not dating? Come on, Sorine. That's ridiculous.
And you know what? ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I need to quit telling myself what I'm doing wrong and think about all the good I'm doing. I'm not perfect. But I'm doing enough.
Two and a half years ago, I wrote a blog about dating. Here's the advice I gave at the end: "Be yourself. If you are a girl who expects the guys to ask on dates, you don't constantly have a smile on your face, and you enjoy making meals for others, that is okay. If you are a guy who would rather complain to a girl than ask her out, you let girls cook for you and don't do anything in return, and you only ask a girl out if you already know you are really, genuinely interested and think you love her, that is okay. Just make sure you know who to blame if you are single. You are responsible for it. Not the girls who won't smile, not the guys you make dinner for. You."
Harsh, right? But it is also the truth. The hard to accept, painful, difficult truth. I'm responsible for the fact that I'm still single. If I want to get to the next step in life, I need to leave the one I'm at. And moving forward means leaving your comfort zone. If I want a change, I have to change myself in order to get it.
That's all, folks!
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