A Righteous Desire

I mentioned in this post that I wanted to serve a mission. I say wanted, but let's be honest. I'd still like to serve a mission. However, it is obvious that I didn't serve one. I'm still in Utah, where the opportunity for a shy girl to share the gospel doesn't come up very often. Serving a mission was all I wanted. It was all I could think about for the longest time.

So how come I'm sitting in bed at two in the morning writing this blog rather than out serving the Lord?

The decision to not serve a mission was the hardest decision I have ever made. I imagine that others have had a similarly hard time making a decision when it comes to serving a mission. Let me say this - missions are not for everyone. Only go if you feel it is what the Lord wants you to do. Don't let others pressure you into it. And if you aren't ready, wait until you are ready. If you are going to serve a mission, it will be worth it to do it at the right time and for the right reasons.

And with that said, let me tell you my story.

Growing up, I never really thought I'd serve a mission. Missions were for boys, I am obviously not a boy. So why would I go? When I was about nine or ten my aunt and uncle asked all of us kids gospel questions. I was asked whether or not I would serve a mission. I remember telling them that I would, but only if I wasn't married. A mission was my Plan B.

I loved learning about the gospel, I quickly grasped a love for the scriptures, and I loved to teach. It didn't take long for me to realize how serving a mission was what I wanted to do. As I got older, the idea would come to me more and more often. My desire to serve grew to a point where all I could think about was serving a mission. I had no plans for a career, no plans for college, only plans for a mission.

The summer before my junior year of high school I had a change. My sophomore year had been the hardest year I'd ever gone through. I struggled mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically...suffice it to say that it was difficult. At the start of the summer I decided that if my life was going to change, I had to be the one to make it happen. My entire attitude changed and I started to see things in a new light.

That summer, I went to EFY and I sat in the chapel surrounded by young men and women who have undoubtedly faced trials just as I have. We sang the hymn "There Is a Green Hill Far Away," and as I sang the line "We may not know, we cannot tell, what pains he had to bear" the challenges I had faced the year before came flooding into my mind. Christ suffered a lot of pain. Christ suffered a lot of pain just for me. He suffered my pain. He went through my trials. I realized how much pain I had felt through my life and looked around the room thinking about how much pain was in this room alone.

It was then that I realized the advantage I have - I know that Christ suffered for this pain. I know that I can turn to Him and He will fully understand what I am feeling and will know how to succor me. Thinking about how there are people out there who don't have this comfort that I have made me sick. I wanted to share it - I needed to share it. A mission was no longer Plan B. I was going to go on a mission. Nothing was going to stop me.

Well, nothing except the Lord.

I'm not going to go into details of how I got the answer that I needed to stay home. It was a long and very personal process involving prayer, fasting, and attending the temple. The point is, I got an answer. And it wasn't what I was expecting.

So how come I wasn't supposed to go on a mission?

I ask myself that question every day. I'm living my new Plan B and isn't easy. I look at where I am in life and am constantly wondering "why am I here instead of out sharing the gospel? Why does the Lord want me here? What good am I doing sitting silently in classes, not even daring to voice an opinion?" I'll be honest - I don't know the answer. However, I've watched as moments from my past have brought me to where I am and all I can do is trust in the Lord and patiently await the day where I will understand His plan for me.

Serving a mission isn't a bad thing to do - in fact, it is quite the opposite. It is a completely wonderful thing to do! The desire to serve is a righteous one.  Why would the Lord say no to a righteous desire to serve?

Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. He knows me. He knows more about me than I do. Because of this, He knows what I need in order to make it back to Him. He knows the steps I will have to take, the challenges I will have to face, and the person I will have to become. Of course, in all of this I have agency and can make choices that will lead me away from Him. However, I want more than anything to return to Him worthy and happy. So I trust Him. I trust the plans He has in store for me. I trust that He knows what He is doing.

Even though serving a mission would have been a good thing for me to do, even though it would have strengthened me, even though it is a righteous desire, it isn't what the Lord has planned for me. I struggle at times, but I have complete faith that I am on the best possible path I could be on.