Sometimes, when I am writing, I quit writing for myself and start writing for an audience. I think more about who will be reading it and what they will think. I think less about why I am writing and the message I want to get across.
This is what has happened with the last seven posts I've written. They haven't been published. Just sitting as drafts, waiting to be read by anyone but me. I keep going back and reading them. And I keep getting more and more confused as time goes on.
The truth is, I've been struggling a lot lately. I've been afraid to admit it. I've been afraid to answer the questions that have already started to flow in. I've been afraid of the choices I have to make and of the responsibility that comes along with those choices. And most of all, I'm afraid of being afraid. I don't think I've even allowed myself to realize how terribly frightened I truly am.
I know I'm not supposed to fear. One of my favorite scriptures says "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind" (2 Tim 1:7). I recite this scripture to myself at least once a day. When I find myself feeling anxious or nervous, or when I feel that fear seeping in, I quote this scripture. I remind myself that when I am on the Lord's side, when I stay close to him, I can have that sound mind.
Yet, I still find myself letting fear take over.
A while back - the week I wrote this post - I missed an institute class because of a stupid appointment I had. Please excuse my language, I tell my students not to use the word "stupid," but even now when I'm 22 years old, I sometimes can't think of another word. Anyway. The appointment ended. I spent the next 15 minutes reading my scriptures, then went to explain and apologize to the teacher. He knew something was up right away. He asked me a simple question and the next thing I knew, I was sitting at a desk in his classroom, tears pouring down my face.
One of the many wise things he said to me was that it is okay to be sad. Even though I have a testimony - a strong testimony - and even though I can have eternal perspective on things, life will be hard. Life isn't always fair. It isn't fair that my little sister isn't here with me now. It isn't fair that my parents had to bury a child. And even though I know we will be with her again, it is still sad.
Life isn't fair. It is full of twists and turns and everything else that could make a stomach sick. And it is scary.
A few people have asked me what they could do to help. What I'd like is support. Even if I'm not on the path you think I should be on, even if you think I'm making the wrong decision, it is ultimately my choice. And it has been exhausting and overly difficult to make this decision. I'm going to have to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. So please, just listen. Just accept my decision. I don't need more pushing, I don't need to feel more guilt.
The point is, I'm scared. And just typing that sentence terrifies me even more.
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