A matter of when

It seems that this time of life is full of big challenges and decisions. In fact, it doesn’t just seem to be that way, it truly is that way. While in this phase we decide our entire future. Oftentimes, it is daunting, overwhelming, and just plain terrifying.

I remember being warned of this when in high school, especially my senior year. “Beware, Sorine Kae,” everyone said, “you are entering the dreaded decision making phase of life. Choose carefully, for the choices you make now will affect you and your family for always and eternity!” Of course, this was always said with the best Madame Zeroni impersonation possible.

Alright, I may not have ever heard those exact words. And the Madame Zeroni voice was just in my head. But I was warned and advised to make good decisions. So, I made a little plan for myself. I thought of all the things I needed or wanted to do in the next five or so years and determined when and where they would all happen. I knew when I’d serve a mission, where I’d go to school, when I’d get my degree, when I’d get married, when I’d have children, I knew it all. Well, except for what my degree would be in and the name of my husband, but I’d get to that later. The point is, I had it all planned out.

I graduated from high school five and a half years ago.  I thought that by now I would be a returned missionary, I’d be married, and I’d be a semester or two away from finishing my degree with the most fabulous major to ever exist. Instead, I didn’t serve a mission. I’m still about two years away from finishing a degree. And I’m still as single as ever.

What you are probably expecting now is for me to go into a list of all the wonderful things I’ve accomplished instead and for me to talk about how marvelous my life has been. But, that’s not happening. You see, sometimes I really struggle with the fact that nothing has turned out how I had planned. It isn’t easy. It doesn't feel marvelous.

This Christmas, I’ve been thinking about the wise men. “Wise men still seek him” is a saying I’ve seen on signs, in pictures, facebook statuses, and basically anywhere deemed appropriate for words to be seen. Wanting to do just that, to seek Christ as the wise men did, I decided I first needed to learn how they sought Christ. So, doing as I’ve been taught, I turned to my scriptures.

In my study, I seemed drawn to the differences between the wise men and the shepherds. The shepherds were visited by an angel, they were told where to go, they found, as the angel had told them they would, the baby Jesus in a manger. What an incredible experience! They were there! To see the Savior in such humble circumstances, to witness Mary holding her newborn child and Joseph, who didn't turn away from what I imagine was a very difficult task, watching over the boy he would help raise. These shepherds... I can't even imagine what it must have been like to see that miracle. 

The wise men have a different story. They come into the picture later on. I'm not sure how much later, but it wasn't that same night. They weren't visited by an angel, they weren't told where to find the baby Jesus. Instead, the followed the star with faith, knowing that it would lead them to the Savior and that eventually they would get to meet Jesus. They didn't find Jesus in lowly manger, they didn't get to see Mary's joy as she first held her son. Instead, "they saw the young child with Mary his mother" (Matt 2:11). They brought gifts for Jesus, presented them, and then went back home. 

Now, I'd much rather have been there to see the Savior in the stable. That is how I would have planned it out. But, as I've learned, things don't go according to plan.

So, these wise men, where they disappointed? Was their experience of meeting the Savior any less spiritual, personal, or miraculous than the experience of the shepherds? Absolutely not! The Savior I've come to know, He doesn't turn anyone away, He welcomes everyone in, no matter when they get there. The Savior I know is constantly waiting for us to get to Him. And no matter when we get there, He will be waiting with His arms extended. 

And now, to attempt to put my thoughts into words. Sometimes, I feel like everyone around me is a shepherd. They've gone on missions, they're married, they've earned a degree, they've started to have kids, they're working in these fabulous careers. I am not a shepherd. I didn't get there when I thought it would be the most important time. 

I don't think Heavenly Father has a time frame for things to happen. He doesn't give us deadlines for when we must accomplish any of those life changing tasks. He does, however, know my desire to accomplish them. He understands my worry, my doubt, and my attempted effort. He cares about the challenges I face in trying to follow that star. He might not care about when I get it all done, but He sure does care that I'm trying, that I'm on that path, and, more importantly, that I'm seeking the Savior while on that path. 

This may not be a life altering thought for you like it was for me. But, as I've pondered the experiences of both the shepherds and the wise men, I've found myself taking in a new perspective of my own life. I'll get to those "important" things when I get there. But, along the way, I'll make sure I'm doing everything possible to show my Savior how much I love Him. It isn't the time frame that matters, but rather my desires, my actions, and the steps I make along the way. Even though life isn't how I wanted it, I still seek Him.