The Story.

I had a sucker in my mouth. An orange dum-dum that tasted more like butterscotch than orange.

The back roads from my house to Ephraim aren't unfamiliar to me. I took them many times in my two years while attending Snow college and then took them even more when my sister was going to school there. However, what is unfamiliar to me is driving without music. While taking those roads I drove  my car, one that had a very good radio and stacks of CDs for when the radio would eventually fade away.

Yesterday I was driving on those roads. I wasn't in my car, I was taking my mom's car. The radio went out sooner than I'm used to. I don't know if you've ever driven on highway 6, but it gets very boring if you go too long without radio. Boring enough that I was almost enjoying listening to mostly static with the hint of a melody in the background.

However, the hint of a melody wasn't enough. I reached down to turn it up in hopes that a louder volume would provide more music and less static. I know, very logical. After turning it up I realized that there is a CD player in this car. So I kept my eyes down, trying to figure out how to change it to CD. I finally did and the music was shockingly loud. It startled me and I jumped, swerving the car just a little bit. I panicked and looked up, noticing that I was no longer fully on the road. I was about to hit a post so I quickly turned my wheel to the left. Apparently I turned it a little too hard because I was no headed to the other side of the road. Trying again to fix the problem, I overcorrected.

At this point I no longer had control of the car. As much as I wanted to just stop the motion, get control, and head on my way again, it couldn't happen. I remember clenching the wheel and screaming as the car began to turn on its side.

And then I let go, closed my eyes, and held my breath.

When the car stopped moving, I opened my eyes. I saw glass everywhere, dirt still flying through the air. The first thing I did was say I panicked prayer. I don't even know if I was saying sentences or just parts of words between quick breaths. But I knew that Heavenly Father knew what I needed. And He didn't leave my side from that moment on.

With shaking hands, I reached for the door next to me. I wanted to make sure I could move every body part. The door opened easily and I climbed out, shaking all over (I'm shaking now just thinking about it). Once I was sure I could move, I looked to see if I was bleeding. I found one scratch on my right forearm. It had one drop of blood, barely even noticeable. I remember staring at it and thinking "seriously? That's it?"

I'll skip the details about failed calls to 911, hysterical sobbing, and finally having a car pass by that I could wave down. I'm so grateful for the many people who provided me with comfort, a radio to contact dispatch, and a cover from the rain. They were constantly reminding me to drink water and asking me questions not just about the wreck but also about my life. They really cared about me.

The police officer who came and then drove me out to meet my mom was the nicest police officer I've ever met. He told me he rarely came out to that part of Juab county, and when he did it was for car accidents. However, he told me that the majority of those wrecks don't have survivors.

Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was. I kept telling myself how lucky I was. I climbed out of that car with no problem other than the nervous shake. I don't know how I got through that with just a scratch. My body aches, but it is intact. My breath was quick, but it was there.

One thing is certain, the sucker was no where to be found.

A Righteous Desire

I mentioned in this post that I wanted to serve a mission. I say wanted, but let's be honest. I'd still like to serve a mission. However, it is obvious that I didn't serve one. I'm still in Utah, where the opportunity for a shy girl to share the gospel doesn't come up very often. Serving a mission was all I wanted. It was all I could think about for the longest time.

So how come I'm sitting in bed at two in the morning writing this blog rather than out serving the Lord?

The decision to not serve a mission was the hardest decision I have ever made. I imagine that others have had a similarly hard time making a decision when it comes to serving a mission. Let me say this - missions are not for everyone. Only go if you feel it is what the Lord wants you to do. Don't let others pressure you into it. And if you aren't ready, wait until you are ready. If you are going to serve a mission, it will be worth it to do it at the right time and for the right reasons.

And with that said, let me tell you my story.

Growing up, I never really thought I'd serve a mission. Missions were for boys, I am obviously not a boy. So why would I go? When I was about nine or ten my aunt and uncle asked all of us kids gospel questions. I was asked whether or not I would serve a mission. I remember telling them that I would, but only if I wasn't married. A mission was my Plan B.

I loved learning about the gospel, I quickly grasped a love for the scriptures, and I loved to teach. It didn't take long for me to realize how serving a mission was what I wanted to do. As I got older, the idea would come to me more and more often. My desire to serve grew to a point where all I could think about was serving a mission. I had no plans for a career, no plans for college, only plans for a mission.

The summer before my junior year of high school I had a change. My sophomore year had been the hardest year I'd ever gone through. I struggled mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically...suffice it to say that it was difficult. At the start of the summer I decided that if my life was going to change, I had to be the one to make it happen. My entire attitude changed and I started to see things in a new light.

That summer, I went to EFY and I sat in the chapel surrounded by young men and women who have undoubtedly faced trials just as I have. We sang the hymn "There Is a Green Hill Far Away," and as I sang the line "We may not know, we cannot tell, what pains he had to bear" the challenges I had faced the year before came flooding into my mind. Christ suffered a lot of pain. Christ suffered a lot of pain just for me. He suffered my pain. He went through my trials. I realized how much pain I had felt through my life and looked around the room thinking about how much pain was in this room alone.

It was then that I realized the advantage I have - I know that Christ suffered for this pain. I know that I can turn to Him and He will fully understand what I am feeling and will know how to succor me. Thinking about how there are people out there who don't have this comfort that I have made me sick. I wanted to share it - I needed to share it. A mission was no longer Plan B. I was going to go on a mission. Nothing was going to stop me.

Well, nothing except the Lord.

I'm not going to go into details of how I got the answer that I needed to stay home. It was a long and very personal process involving prayer, fasting, and attending the temple. The point is, I got an answer. And it wasn't what I was expecting.

So how come I wasn't supposed to go on a mission?

I ask myself that question every day. I'm living my new Plan B and isn't easy. I look at where I am in life and am constantly wondering "why am I here instead of out sharing the gospel? Why does the Lord want me here? What good am I doing sitting silently in classes, not even daring to voice an opinion?" I'll be honest - I don't know the answer. However, I've watched as moments from my past have brought me to where I am and all I can do is trust in the Lord and patiently await the day where I will understand His plan for me.

Serving a mission isn't a bad thing to do - in fact, it is quite the opposite. It is a completely wonderful thing to do! The desire to serve is a righteous one.  Why would the Lord say no to a righteous desire to serve?

Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. He knows me. He knows more about me than I do. Because of this, He knows what I need in order to make it back to Him. He knows the steps I will have to take, the challenges I will have to face, and the person I will have to become. Of course, in all of this I have agency and can make choices that will lead me away from Him. However, I want more than anything to return to Him worthy and happy. So I trust Him. I trust the plans He has in store for me. I trust that He knows what He is doing.

Even though serving a mission would have been a good thing for me to do, even though it would have strengthened me, even though it is a righteous desire, it isn't what the Lord has planned for me. I struggle at times, but I have complete faith that I am on the best possible path I could be on.

Fear is Scary

Sometimes, when I am writing, I quit writing for myself and start writing for an audience. I think more about who will be reading it and what they will think. I think less about why I am writing and the message I want to get across.

This is what has happened with the last seven posts I've written. They haven't been published. Just sitting as drafts, waiting to be read by anyone but me. I keep going back and reading them. And I keep getting more and more confused as time goes on.

The truth is, I've been struggling a lot lately. I've been afraid to admit it. I've been afraid to answer the questions that have already started to flow in. I've been afraid of the choices I have to make and of the responsibility that comes along with those choices. And most of all, I'm afraid of being afraid. I don't think I've even allowed myself to realize how terribly frightened I truly am.

I know I'm not supposed to fear. One of my favorite scriptures says "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind" (2 Tim 1:7). I recite this scripture to myself at least once a day. When I find myself feeling anxious or nervous, or when I feel that fear seeping in, I quote this scripture. I remind myself that when I am on the Lord's side, when I stay close to him, I can have that sound mind.

Yet, I still find myself letting fear take over.

A while back - the week I wrote this post - I missed an institute class because of a stupid appointment I had. Please excuse my language, I tell my students not to use the word "stupid," but even now when I'm 22 years old, I sometimes can't think of another word. Anyway. The appointment ended. I spent the next 15 minutes reading my scriptures, then went to explain and apologize to the teacher. He knew something was up right away. He asked me a simple question and the next thing I knew, I was sitting at a desk in his classroom, tears pouring down my face.

One of the many wise things he said to me was that it is okay to be sad. Even though I have a testimony - a strong testimony - and even though I can have eternal perspective on things, life will be hard. Life isn't always fair. It isn't fair that my little sister isn't here with me now. It isn't fair that my parents had to bury a child. And even though I know we will be with her again, it is still sad.

Life isn't fair. It is full of twists and turns and everything else that could make a stomach sick. And it is scary.

A few people have asked me what they could do to help. What I'd like is support. Even if I'm not on the path you think I should be on, even if you think I'm making the wrong decision, it is ultimately my choice. And it has been exhausting and overly difficult to make this decision. I'm going to have to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. So please, just listen. Just accept my decision. I don't need more pushing, I don't need to feel more guilt.

The point is, I'm scared. And just typing that sentence terrifies me even more.

What I wish I could say (Part 2)

Remember this post? Well, it is happening again.

How about you stop joking about taking me on a date and actually take me on a date? I think we would both really enjoy it.

Sometimes I think you are too judgmental. And that probably makes me judgmental. But that's the way it is. Because, really, if you'd stop noticing the things that annoy you, you'd find that you would be a lot happier.

I think you are old enough to start taking care of yourself now. Not that you are doing a completely horrible job at it, but I just think you have the potential to do a whole lot better.

You've quickly become one of my best friends. And I'm so grateful for that. But, I don't really enjoy it when you put yourself into my situations and try to fix them for me. I know you mean well, but I really do know how to handle things on my own. I just wish I had that chance.

Your honesty and humor are a great combination. I love you for that. Thanks for always being there for me, from the serious conversations to the crazy way eating of Swedish fish. You are the best.

You are breaking my heart. And I don't like it.

I'm proud of you. I truly am. You've never been afraid to be yourself, even when others haven't treated you with respect because of it. I wish I knew how to show you how much your example really means to me.

I wish I knew how to help you. I want you to be happy. It hurts to see you in so much pain.

You think like a girl. If you could just admit that to yourself and accept it, you might actually be able to enjoy it and come to some conclusions rather than all of this "it's just so complicated" crap.

I look back and think about how angry I was with you, how I constantly wanted to just slap you across the face. But if I had the chance now, I'd really like to just give you a nice high-five and say thanks.

This isn't easy for me. Nothing has changed. But everything's changed. I don't like dealing with it. My defense is to hide, which isn't the nicest thing for me to do. So I'm sorry. I obviously have some things I need to work out. I just really hope we can still be friends when all of this is over.

Rather than talking to everyone else about my life, just talk to me. I can give you the honest details. But when you discuss my personal life with people I don't want to know about these details, my trust in you goes down. I don't know if I'll be able to keep confiding in you.

Our car rides together are some of my favorite moments. You always have a way of cheering me up, even if you are crying in the seat next to me. I'm proud of the strong girl you have become. And I'm also so glad we are this close.

To answer your question, yes. I do still feel like that change will have to happen. But not in the way I used to think about it.

I remember when I had that really crappy morning and I didn't want to go to class. I didn't even have to tell you what was going on, you didn't expect me to tell you anything. You just stayed with me, watching movies and eating junk food until I was happy again. And that wasn't the first time you'd done something like that. And it obviously hasn't been the last. I know we aren't very sentimental. Ever. But prepare yourself, because I'm about to be. I don't know where I'd be right now if it weren't for your friendship. When I thought all was over and that no one cared, you were there for me. When I just want to be done, you are willing to do whatever it takes to turn my mood around. You really are the best friend I've ever had. I don't know how to repay you for that. So thank you. Oh, and PS- got me cookie, gave you cookie!

I wish I felt more comfortable around you, because you really are a great person. And if I had to list my top five best friends, you'd be in that top five. Which is weird, because we rarely even speak.

Cut your hair. Please. Just cut it already. It's gross.

You are such a weird guy. But you know that. And you don't care that you're weird. And that is why we are friends.

I think you are attractive. And if we could get to know each other, I think it would be beneficial. How about a date? ;)

I think maybe it would be a good idea for you to stop posting about how you are single on Facebook. It seems like you are trying to come across like you are okay with it, but it just sounds desperate and a little bit pathetic. Rather than post about it, just go out and get yourself some dates. I know you can, because you're pretty darn good looking.

Still want to send a dead fish and some rabbit hair in the mail? I know just the person...

I don't think I've lived up to who you could be.  But I'm trying. And I know you are helping me. Thank you.

Although we've never met, I grateful for the person you are. You've been a huge example to me.

I don't think you realize how truly amazing you are. I wish I could tell you. I wish you could see it. If I had the guts, I'd be telling you my thoughts, trying to build you up, and thanking you for all that you've done for me.

People are weird. We are people. That means we are weird. Deal with it.

Pray. He is there.

The first real memory I have of praying on my own is a memory I am very grateful for. I don't remember how old I was, but it was at our first house, so I was no older than five. I had been given a small case for lipstick. It was probably something my mom just no longer wanted, but I loved it. I brought it with me almost everywhere I went. Until I lost it.

I was upset about it. I'm sure you can imagine this, seeing how I was little at the time. But I remembered hearing stories about people praying when they had lost something and how Heavenly Father would help them find the thing they had lost. So I prayed. I told Heavenly Father that I wanted this little case back and that I wanted him to tell me where it was. I didn't get an answer and I was even more upset.

Now, it may seem odd that such a weird story has been the foundation for my testimony on prayer. Let me explain. I never found that case, but I was okay. Eventually I moved on. Of course, at that young age I didn't understand the influence it would have on me and I didn't think much of it. But looking back now, I'm so grateful for that experience. While I never had that little case again, I did have others and I learned to take better care of them. Heavenly Father did answer my prayer, but not how I wanted. Instead of telling me exactly where it was, He taught me to put less value in worldly things, to pay better attention to where I place things, and that I can always pray, no matter how small the situation.

I look back on this and realize that I have had many more moments like it throughout my life. I don't mean moments where I lost something, prayed, and still couldn't find it. I mean moments where I pray, but Heavenly Father knows better than I do and answers my prayers in a way I don't expect.

Let me change directions a little bit. On Thanksgiving, I was sitting at a table with some family members. We couldn't all fit at one table (of course not, though not all were attending, there are over seventy in the family), so people were wandering past with plates of food. One aunt sat across from me and as someone else walked past holding one of my baby cousins, this aunt lit up. She smiled, and then explained to us how grateful she is for prayer. She had prayed for this baby for a long time - he was born premature and was in the hospital for a while. "Even though I've only met him a few times," she said, "I have such a deep love for him." Praying for a person, even people you do not know, will bring you closer to them.

Last April, Rosemary Wixom, the Primary General President, gave a talk titled "The Words We Speak." This talk has recently become one of my favorite talks of all time. While it is geared towards how we speak to children, I like to relate it to all the people in my life. She says, "To speak to a child's heart, we must know a child's needs. If we pray to know these needs, the very words we say may have the power to reach into their hearts. Our efforts are magnified when we seek the direction of the Holy Ghost."

I decided to put this, along with what my aunt taught me, into action. Over the last month, I've prayed  to know the needs of people I care about, people I have a hard time getting along with, and people I've barely even met. It works. I've never been given so many promptings as to what to say, or how to act, or what to do. I've never felt such a connection to people before. It has been the most wonderful experience.

Prayer works. No matter what is going on in my life, I can pray to for help and He will be there. Even if it isn't how I expect an answer to come, He will send an answer to my prayers.Through prayer I can gain a better relationship with people. Through prayer I can let my testimony grow.  Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. He will always provide a way for me, and with faith and with His guidance, I can make it down the path He has planned. 

What I've learned from Disney Characters

Here is a confession: I still cry when I watch Disney movies. Of course, when I was little I'd cry because Maleficent in dragon form scared me like none other. Now, I cry because Anna just wants to build a snowman with her sister. The point is, Disney movies make me feel empowered, they give me the optimistic attitude, the feeling that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. I've learned a lot from these Disney characters. And each time I watch a movie, I learn something more. I couldn't list them all, but here are some lessons I've learned from Disney characters.

Anna: Don't give up on people. Ever.

Elsa: Don't let fear hold you back or keep you from discovering your potential.

Mulan: Take risks, but remember, family comes first.

In other words - Family first, safety second. ;)

Merida: You are in control of your future.

Elsa: Share your talents, no matter how scary. Learn what you can do.

Tiana: Dreams can come true, but you have to work for it. 

Anna: Follow your instincts and trust.

Pocahontas: Everyone will die one day. Might as well fall in love along the way.

Cinderella: Continue to serve, even when those you serve don't necessarily deserve it.  

Alice: It's okay to be a little crazy.

Rapunzel: In order to accomplish your dreams, you must try something new.

Simba: The past won't go away even if you try to run from it. So don't run, learn. 

Alice: Keep your imagination alive. 

Esmeralda: Look beyond appearances. 

Woody: Friendship isn't something that can be brushed aside. 

Flynn Ryder: You don't have to pretend to be someone else in order to succeed. 

Rapunzel: Go outside of your comfort zone and you will find you can have the best day ever. 

Belle: Smart girls are pretty, too. Plus, reading is fun!

Peter Pan: By thinking happy thoughts, you can fly! 

Aladdin: Being yourself is important - lying will get you nowhere. 

Buzz: You aren't really a space ranger, but that's okay. 

Hercules: A true hero understands sacrifice. 

Ursula: Don't underestimate body language. 

Belle: Don't let people treat you badly just because they can.

Anna: You are awkward. Just deal with it. 

Vanellope: Being different doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Learn to use your differences to your advantage. 

Ralph: Titles given by others don't define you, it is what you do that defines you. 

Aurora: Everyone starts out as a stranger. Meeting someone new can change your life. 

Peter Pan: Never grow up.

And 10 Years Later...

I like to think that we would still be best friends. There are times that all I want to do is talk to her.

I wonder what she would be like. She'd be twelve now. That's about the age I was when she passed away. I think of what I was like at twelve and I really hope she would have more common sense than I did.

One of the things I regret most in my life is the way I acted with Gracie before she died. We had a fight. And we never fought. It was hard to get mad at such a darling little girl, I mean just take a look at that face! But it happened. I was sick, home from school, and all I wanted to do was watch a movie and fall asleep. She didn't want to let that happen.

You know those rubber popper things? The ones you turn inside out and wait for them to pop into the air? She had a pink one and couldn't turn it inside out on her own. I had been playing this with her for what felt like hours. I was done. She obviously wasn't. I couldn't fake enthusiasm any longer, so I turned it inside out one last time and quickly moved off of the floor and onto the big couch. She didn't like that. Screaming and yelling, she took her hands and pinched my face and began to spit all over me, her signature move when she is upset. Hopefully she's forgiven me for that.

I could tell stories about her all day. In fact, I was reading a poem I wrote about her when I was in eighth grade (I'd share it, but let's just face it, I've never been good at poetry and I don't want anyone to make fun of me) and it said that I planned to write children's books about her. I'd completely forgotten about that, but I'm going to make it happen.

She had such a bright personality. We all loved to see her laugh and do anything we could to make that happen. And once she did laugh, we would too. Her laughter was infectious, even to those who didn't know her. Perfect strangers would smile just by looking at her.

 I know it has been ten years, but sometimes I just don't want to deal with the fact that my little sister died. I struggle with it, and I'm sure I always will. But, thankfully I have the knowledge that I will see her again. She is on the other side, leading me and guiding me, waiting for me to come play with her again. :)

"In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil, and you must never forget that." -Elder Jeffery R. Holland.