A Righteous Desire

I mentioned in this post that I wanted to serve a mission. I say wanted, but let's be honest. I'd still like to serve a mission. However, it is obvious that I didn't serve one. I'm still in Utah, where the opportunity for a shy girl to share the gospel doesn't come up very often. Serving a mission was all I wanted. It was all I could think about for the longest time.

So how come I'm sitting in bed at two in the morning writing this blog rather than out serving the Lord?

The decision to not serve a mission was the hardest decision I have ever made. I imagine that others have had a similarly hard time making a decision when it comes to serving a mission. Let me say this - missions are not for everyone. Only go if you feel it is what the Lord wants you to do. Don't let others pressure you into it. And if you aren't ready, wait until you are ready. If you are going to serve a mission, it will be worth it to do it at the right time and for the right reasons.

And with that said, let me tell you my story.

Growing up, I never really thought I'd serve a mission. Missions were for boys, I am obviously not a boy. So why would I go? When I was about nine or ten my aunt and uncle asked all of us kids gospel questions. I was asked whether or not I would serve a mission. I remember telling them that I would, but only if I wasn't married. A mission was my Plan B.

I loved learning about the gospel, I quickly grasped a love for the scriptures, and I loved to teach. It didn't take long for me to realize how serving a mission was what I wanted to do. As I got older, the idea would come to me more and more often. My desire to serve grew to a point where all I could think about was serving a mission. I had no plans for a career, no plans for college, only plans for a mission.

The summer before my junior year of high school I had a change. My sophomore year had been the hardest year I'd ever gone through. I struggled mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically...suffice it to say that it was difficult. At the start of the summer I decided that if my life was going to change, I had to be the one to make it happen. My entire attitude changed and I started to see things in a new light.

That summer, I went to EFY and I sat in the chapel surrounded by young men and women who have undoubtedly faced trials just as I have. We sang the hymn "There Is a Green Hill Far Away," and as I sang the line "We may not know, we cannot tell, what pains he had to bear" the challenges I had faced the year before came flooding into my mind. Christ suffered a lot of pain. Christ suffered a lot of pain just for me. He suffered my pain. He went through my trials. I realized how much pain I had felt through my life and looked around the room thinking about how much pain was in this room alone.

It was then that I realized the advantage I have - I know that Christ suffered for this pain. I know that I can turn to Him and He will fully understand what I am feeling and will know how to succor me. Thinking about how there are people out there who don't have this comfort that I have made me sick. I wanted to share it - I needed to share it. A mission was no longer Plan B. I was going to go on a mission. Nothing was going to stop me.

Well, nothing except the Lord.

I'm not going to go into details of how I got the answer that I needed to stay home. It was a long and very personal process involving prayer, fasting, and attending the temple. The point is, I got an answer. And it wasn't what I was expecting.

So how come I wasn't supposed to go on a mission?

I ask myself that question every day. I'm living my new Plan B and isn't easy. I look at where I am in life and am constantly wondering "why am I here instead of out sharing the gospel? Why does the Lord want me here? What good am I doing sitting silently in classes, not even daring to voice an opinion?" I'll be honest - I don't know the answer. However, I've watched as moments from my past have brought me to where I am and all I can do is trust in the Lord and patiently await the day where I will understand His plan for me.

Serving a mission isn't a bad thing to do - in fact, it is quite the opposite. It is a completely wonderful thing to do! The desire to serve is a righteous one.  Why would the Lord say no to a righteous desire to serve?

Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. He knows me. He knows more about me than I do. Because of this, He knows what I need in order to make it back to Him. He knows the steps I will have to take, the challenges I will have to face, and the person I will have to become. Of course, in all of this I have agency and can make choices that will lead me away from Him. However, I want more than anything to return to Him worthy and happy. So I trust Him. I trust the plans He has in store for me. I trust that He knows what He is doing.

Even though serving a mission would have been a good thing for me to do, even though it would have strengthened me, even though it is a righteous desire, it isn't what the Lord has planned for me. I struggle at times, but I have complete faith that I am on the best possible path I could be on.

Fear is Scary

Sometimes, when I am writing, I quit writing for myself and start writing for an audience. I think more about who will be reading it and what they will think. I think less about why I am writing and the message I want to get across.

This is what has happened with the last seven posts I've written. They haven't been published. Just sitting as drafts, waiting to be read by anyone but me. I keep going back and reading them. And I keep getting more and more confused as time goes on.

The truth is, I've been struggling a lot lately. I've been afraid to admit it. I've been afraid to answer the questions that have already started to flow in. I've been afraid of the choices I have to make and of the responsibility that comes along with those choices. And most of all, I'm afraid of being afraid. I don't think I've even allowed myself to realize how terribly frightened I truly am.

I know I'm not supposed to fear. One of my favorite scriptures says "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind" (2 Tim 1:7). I recite this scripture to myself at least once a day. When I find myself feeling anxious or nervous, or when I feel that fear seeping in, I quote this scripture. I remind myself that when I am on the Lord's side, when I stay close to him, I can have that sound mind.

Yet, I still find myself letting fear take over.

A while back - the week I wrote this post - I missed an institute class because of a stupid appointment I had. Please excuse my language, I tell my students not to use the word "stupid," but even now when I'm 22 years old, I sometimes can't think of another word. Anyway. The appointment ended. I spent the next 15 minutes reading my scriptures, then went to explain and apologize to the teacher. He knew something was up right away. He asked me a simple question and the next thing I knew, I was sitting at a desk in his classroom, tears pouring down my face.

One of the many wise things he said to me was that it is okay to be sad. Even though I have a testimony - a strong testimony - and even though I can have eternal perspective on things, life will be hard. Life isn't always fair. It isn't fair that my little sister isn't here with me now. It isn't fair that my parents had to bury a child. And even though I know we will be with her again, it is still sad.

Life isn't fair. It is full of twists and turns and everything else that could make a stomach sick. And it is scary.

A few people have asked me what they could do to help. What I'd like is support. Even if I'm not on the path you think I should be on, even if you think I'm making the wrong decision, it is ultimately my choice. And it has been exhausting and overly difficult to make this decision. I'm going to have to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. So please, just listen. Just accept my decision. I don't need more pushing, I don't need to feel more guilt.

The point is, I'm scared. And just typing that sentence terrifies me even more.