It has been established that I’m a journal freak. And just a month ago I wrote
something that doesn’t seem to fit with my thoughts right now. Amazing how much can
change in a month. Anyway, here is what I wrote:
“I feel like I’ve tried really hard to have Heavenly Father be a part of all my decisions in life. Particularly the bigger ones. I’ve tried hard to always do what’s right. I haven’t missed a day of scripture study since junior year of high school. I pray – not as often as I should, lately, but I pray. I try to befriend those around me - I avoid speaking unkindly. I really try to do my best.
"So, why am I so unhappy? Why do I feel so stuck? And like my life has nowhere to go? Like it’ll never get better? Why do I even allow myself to think this way? I mean, I know God’s plan for me is better than anything I could plan myself, why do I fight it?”
I then ended with my traditional Happy Moment of
the day and went to bed, most likely crying. I spent the next morning
researching different small towns all over the country, contemplating picking
up and leaving.
The thing is, I could easily find a lot of other
journal entries that sound very similar to this one. We all know my mission story and how
that didn’t work out. That is just the example of getting a “no” response that
I’m most comfortable with sharing. I have handfuls of examples of this in my
life though. It seems like whenever I make a plan, God changes it.
At FHE the other night, our ward had a speed
dating activity. Honestly, I didn’t want to go. I’d been to speed dating
activities before and they weren’t that exciting. I went anyway, and as I sat
across from a boy in my ward, he, in essence, asked about my five year plan. I
had an answer in my head. My plan is whatever Heavenly Father has in store for
me. But that isn’t what I said. I worry that saying that makes me sound lazy,
like I don’t have goals or any sort of direction. So, instead I mentioned that
Heavenly Father always changes my plan, and that I’m flexible, and then I
rattled off the answer I’ve been giving everyone for the last year. I’ll finish
my degree – FINALLY – and then move to Oregon to teach.
His follow-up question: What do you do when Heavenly Father tells you no or changes your plans?
I smiled and simply said, "It involves a lot of prayer. And crying."
I've been thinking about that answer ever since. Prayer and crying are really involved. But that isn't all there is to it. How do I actually react when my plan changes? What do I do?
Surprisingly, it was just a few hours later when I was given another "no" answer to something I really wanted to do. I paid close attention to the way I handled it. But, that was probably because of this conversation I had earlier that evening. Praying and crying were definitely involved. But it also took a lot of trust. As I talked to a close friend about this no that I was getting, he said, "Be aware that the Lord will take care of you." I know that without a doubt. I've seen it in my life as I follow what He asks me to do. When I'm on the path He has for me, I'm happier than I could ever imagine.
Which leads me back to where I started. I had prayed about the path that I was currently on, about all the decisions that had led me to that moment, writing in my journal about how unhappy I was. And with each decision, I felt that it was the best option, that it was what Heavenly Father wanted for me.
As I reflected back on that night, I wrote in my journal, " It feels like this was such a long time ago. But it really wasn't. It was hard though. I mean, I feel like I try really hard to do what Heavenly Father asks me to do. And, I have some idea in my head that it means I'll be happy all the time. I forget that the things He asks me to do are usually very difficult."
Doctrine and Covenants 90:24 says, "Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good." It doesn't say "just the easy things will be for your good." Instead, it says ALL things. That ALL includes the hard things, the challenges, the confusion, the struggle. It covers everything. As long as I am searching diligently, praying, and having faith, then things will work out. God may send me down a difficult path, but He knows that I'll come out of it stronger than ever.
I've mentioned happiness before. Let me talk about it again. It is okay to not be completely happy all the time. It's okay to struggle through those hard things Heavenly Father puts us through. And, it's also okay to be happy even when we are going through hard times. Last conference, Elder Hales said, "I testify that if you are there for the Lord, He will be there for you. If you love Him and keep His commandments, you will have His Spirit to be with you and guide you." Heavenly Father will be there for us whether we are happy or not. He is simply there.
It isn't about what I want NOW. It's about what I want for ETERNITY. And that is to return to my Heavenly Father and have Him be happy with the person I became. Is that worth staying home from a mission? Is that worth moving back to tiny town I grew up in, struggling to make friends? Is that worth turning down the chance at an awesome summer job to remain in said town? Is it worth all the hard things He'll ask me to do?
The answer is yes. Not just a casual yes, but a shouting from the rooftops yes. A yelling out the window, smile on my face yes. I promise you, whatever you are facing, it is worth it.
I've seen the results of following his plan. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. He has made me stronger, increased my faith, given me patience, and just helped me become a better human. Following His plan is my plan.
