If you know me at all, (and, if you're actually reading this beginning to end, then I assume you do know me) then you know I hate making decisions. Even simple ones like what to eat for breakfast often stress me out. I recently had a big decision to make. It started out as simply a thought. But then that thought wouldn't leave. And before I knew it, it was all I could think about. It was eating at me.
I don't do this with every decision that stresses me out, because I believe that we "should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of [our] own free will" (Doctrine and Covenants 58:27). But, when it comes to the life changing decisions, I try to look to God in every thought regarding the situation, doubting not, fearing not (Doctrine and Covenants 6:36).
And so I turned to Him in prayer. I explained the situation and told Him all about the change I was thinking of making. I fasted. I attended the temple. I made pro and con lists. I talked it over with my close friends. And I prayed my heart out.
As time went on, I became so bogged down by it. I was continually praying about it. I'd kind of made a decision, but had yet to receive any sort of confirmation. I was beyond frustrated with it all. I needed to have the answer in order to start working on things. I felt as though I couldn't move forward at all until I knew it was the right choice.
I often hear stories of how someone is struggling and they kneel down, praying to Heavenly Father for someone to show they care. And then BAM! Their phone rings and it is someone who just got the feeling they should call. Or how an idea comes to someone's mind and they just know it is what Heavenly Father wants them to do. And through all this, it even seemed like the scriptures were full of stories like that. The story in 1 Nephi 17 was on my mind. This is when Nephi is commanded to build a ship to take his family across the waters. In verse nine, when wondering where to get supplies, Nephi asks the Lord where he should go. Right after, in verse ten, it says "And it came to pass that the Lord told me whither I should go." There isn't even a verse in between where Nephi has to search for the place on his own or where his patience is tried, waiting for an answer. Sure, it was time sensitive. Nephi couldn't build the ship without the tools. But my situation sure felt time sensitive, too. Why wasn't this happening for me? I was keeping the commandments, I was doing what I should. Ask and ye shall receive, right? Why wasn't I getting an answer?
While doing my best to be patient and continue living my life, I'd add things to the pro and con list. I'd consider something else and discuss it with Heavenly Father through prayer. Eventually, I expressed my feelings of frustration to Him. I pleaded for an answer and committed to accept either answer, I just wanted to do what He would have me do. Still, no answer.
Now, pause this story for a moment. I titled this post "God's Love: It's Personal." And that is because of one of my favorite scripture stories, the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus in John chapter 11. Lazarus is sick and his sisters send for Jesus. However, when He gets there, Lazarus has been dead for four days. As soon as Martha heard Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him. In verses 21-22 it says, "Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. But I know that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it thee."
Jesus responds by building up her testimony. In verses 23, 25, and 26, He says, "Thy brother shall rise again. I am the resurrection and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?" This provided Martha with the comfort she needed to continue on. How could those words, coming from the Savior himself, not provide comfort?
Next, Jesus meets with Mary. She, in verse 32, says the same thing Martha had said. "Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died." Here we have two sisters, both suffering the loss of their brother. Both talking to the Savior. Yet, He responds in different ways. And verse 35 comes next, two simple words: "Jesus wept."
Why did He comfort each sister differently? Because Mary and Martha are not the same person. Christ loves them both equally and knows them both personally, just as He loves and knows each of us. Because they are different people, He responds differently to them.
Now, back to my story. A short time later (it really was just a short time, though it didn't feel that way while I was in it), I was working late for a literacy night at one of the schools I work at. It had absolutely nothing to do with the decision that I was faced with. But, while I was there, I got my answer. It made sense to me. It felt right. I knew it was what I needed to do. I can't express how wonderful that felt. The best word I can give is happy. I felt happy. Happier than I had in a VERY long time.
Once I got my answer, I understood why I had to wait. If the answer would have come to me right away, I probably wouldn't have accepted it. I would have tried to accomplish what He asked, but I would have continually been wondering if I had really prayed about it enough or really considered every option. Heavenly Father knows me. He knows that in order for me to be dedicated to something I need to have logic to back it up - it just has to make sense to me. He could have given me the answer right away. But He knows me. And He knew, better than I did, when I really needed my answer.
Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I know this. It often isn't how I imagine it to be, as I talked about here and here. But, He has my best interest in mind. In Moses 1:39 He says "For behold, this is my work and my glory - to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." He wants me to return to Him. It is His work to bring me home. He would NEVER send me on a path that would lead anywhere else.
God's love for each of us is personal. And because of that, we are given the chance to have a personal relationship with Him. He loves us! He will guide us, support us, lead us. He will always be there. His love for us is always there.
