Today was a good day. It wasn't like anything incredible happened. I wasn't offered a million dollars or given a free trip to Disneyland. It was just generally pleasing. A fantastic start to a week I've been dreading.
Near the end of the day, I was walking back to my apartment with an empty plate in hand. I was in a parking lot. No one was around. Suddenly, I got the urge to throw the plate to the ground and watch it shatter into tiny little pieces. It started out as a funny little idea. I wanted to see it happen, I wanted to do it. But, I convinced myself that I couldn't do that unless I was in a mood that would somewhat justify it.
As if on cue, my mind was suddenly filled with all the things in life that I'm not happy about. Things that worry me, things that stress me out, things that I wish I could change - all these negative thoughts wouldn't go away.
I was frustrated with the fact that I can't allow myself to be happy (Another blog on this is in the works - has been for months. Just a little nervous to post it). Of course, that frustration only made things worse.
One thing in particular kept eating at me. And that is how lonely I often feel. I know, cliche for a single girl in her early twenties to feel lonely. But it is a real struggle for me and I know it is for many other people, too. One that I have moments of success with, but I often find the loneliness eating away at my joy.
My mind jumped back to an interview I had with my bishop in September. He had asked me about my social life and I cried telling him how I don't feel loved, how I don't feel cared for, how I often feel that my presence goes unnoticed.
I pushed the tears away and said, "But, through all of this, I've never been closer to my Heavenly Father. My relationship with Him has only strengthened. I know He loves me and that's what really matters."
Now, I could tweak that just a bit and say "His love for me is enough." I related that feeling to the bishop. I told Him that it was hard that I felt that way, but I was overcoming it through the power of the Atonement and that I was grateful for how it has shaped me into who I am. Most importantly, those feelings of loneliness don't matter and they can be pushed away. How? Because Heavenly Father loves me, and that's enough. His love is greater than anything else. And that's more than enough.
One of my favorite scriptures, Romans 8:38-39, says "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Nothing can take that love away. His love is enough to carry me though my hardships. He loves me enough to give me a good day like today. He loves me enough to send me trials and let me grow. He loves me. And that's enough.
So, as I reached my apartment, I said a little prayer of gratitude, thanking Him for loving me enough to put those unhappy things in my life in order to let me grow.
And don't worry, I didn't smash the plate.
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