Marriage on my Mind

I remember once, after explaining how a fried of mine wasn't going to be my roommate, my mom said, "She probably thinks she's going to get married." Now, this friend had never been my roommate. We hadn't talked about being roommates. And, our budgets for housing were different so we really didn't even look at the same apartments. That friend of mine didn't get married that year. We kind of lost touch and I'm not sure if marriage even crossed her mind when deciding where to live.

But. That concept has stuck with me. How often do LDS young single adults make decisions based on the chances of getting married? And so, from then on out, I started paying attention to the decisions I was making and my motives behind them.

It was just a few months later when I started to feel like I shouldn't go on a mission. I waited a while before sharing this with anyone, I didn't want them to think it was because I thought I was going to get married. I was following the Spirit, doing what I felt the Lord wanted me to do. Marriage had nothing to do with it.

However, when I finally made the official decision to stay home and had the guts to tell people, almost every one of them brought up marriage. "Heavenly Father wants you to stay home so you can meet your husband." "I bet you'll be married within a year!" "My cousin did the same thing and ended up meeting her husband the day after she made the decision. That's going to happen to you, too." I started to believe them. Why else would Heavenly Father want me to stay home from sharing the gospel?

A year later, still not married and with absolutely no dating prospects (this was the year when I went on one awful blind date that inspired this post). I decided to go back to school and move out of my parent's house. It was a great plan! My best friend was coming with me, we'd be roommates again, and I'd have a social life. But, once again, those comments started rolling in. When I found the perfect apartment: "Your future husband is going to be the guy who lives next door." When I decided on my major: "You're going to end up in all the same classes as your future husband. You'll be teachers together, how cute!" When I signed up for institute classes: "A cute RM is going to sit next to you, fall in love, and you'll be married by Christmas."

I'll be honest, I was starting to believe them again. Everything was falling into place. Of course that meant Heavenly Father was putting me on the path to find my future husband. But, suddenly the time came that I would have been coming home from a mission had I gone. And I realized that absolutely nothing happened to lead me to the perfect guy. And, with a lot of help from Heavenly Father, I realized he had other things in mind for me. Marriage wasn't the only thing I needed to do with my life.

Of course, that didn't stop me - or those around me - from thinking that THIS was going to be it. Each new decision I made had me believing I'd find that perfect man and be married. When I changed my major, when I dropped out of school, when I came back to Logan with no plans, when my best friend moved away and I stuck it out, when I was turned down for job after job after job, when I finally found a job, and so on and so on and so on...

I'll give you a hint: that's not how I met my wonderful husband.

As the time came to sign the lease for my apartment again, I started to feel like I shouldn't stay in Logan. And for the first time, marriage didn't cross my mind. I was so sure that I'd be single for at least five more years. I made the decision to leave Logan and sent job applications to about thirty different elementary schools. Heavenly Father gave me a million reasons why this was the right decision for me, and marriage/dating was not one of them. I realized that even more when the only school to contact me was in Tooele. Remember the year I spent there and only had one crappy date? Yeah. Tooele was not the place I was going to find my future husband. God has a plan for my life, and each time I thought I had it figured out, He'd change it up on me. I was so positive this time that marriage had absolutely nothing to do with why I needed to move back to Tooele.

I'll give you a hint: It had absolutely everything to do with it. The one time marriage wasn't on my mind was when Heavenly Father was actually putting me on the path to marriage.

A few months after moving into a basement apartment in Tooele, a boy stood up in testimony meeting at our tiny little singles ward. I remember nodding my head at everything he said. He was also back in Tooele, unsure why, but ready to do what the Lord asked him. As he sat down, all I could think was, "Okay, how can I get him to be my best friend?"

Hard, but worth it

It has been established that I’m a journal freak. And just a month ago I wrote something that doesn’t seem to fit with my thoughts right now. Amazing how much can change in a month. Anyway, here is what I wrote:

“I feel like I’ve tried really hard to have Heavenly Father be a part of all my decisions in life. Particularly the bigger ones. I’ve tried hard to always do what’s right. I haven’t missed a day of scripture study since junior year of high school. I pray – not as often as I should, lately, but I pray. I try to befriend those around me - I avoid speaking unkindly. I really try to do my best.
                "So, why am I so unhappy? Why do I feel so stuck? And like my life has nowhere to go? Like it’ll never get better? Why do I even allow myself to think this way? I mean, I know God’s plan for me is better than anything I could plan myself, why do I fight it?”

I then ended with my traditional Happy Moment of the day and went to bed, most likely crying. I spent the next morning researching different small towns all over the country, contemplating picking up and leaving.

The thing is, I could easily find a lot of other journal entries that sound very similar to this one. We all know my mission story and how that didn’t work out. That is just the example of getting a “no” response that I’m most comfortable with sharing. I have handfuls of examples of this in my life though. It seems like whenever I make a plan, God changes it.

At FHE the other night, our ward had a speed dating activity. Honestly, I didn’t want to go. I’d been to speed dating activities before and they weren’t that exciting. I went anyway, and as I sat across from a boy in my ward, he, in essence, asked about my five year plan. I had an answer in my head. My plan is whatever Heavenly Father has in store for me. But that isn’t what I said. I worry that saying that makes me sound lazy, like I don’t have goals or any sort of direction. So, instead I mentioned that Heavenly Father always changes my plan, and that I’m flexible, and then I rattled off the answer I’ve been giving everyone for the last year. I’ll finish my degree – FINALLY – and then move to Oregon to teach.

His follow-up question: What do you do when Heavenly Father tells you no or changes your plans?

I smiled and simply said, "It involves a lot of prayer. And crying." 

I've been thinking about that answer ever since. Prayer and crying are really involved. But that isn't all there is to it. How do I actually react when my plan changes? What do I do?  

Surprisingly, it was just a few hours later when I was given another "no" answer to something I really wanted to do. I paid close attention to the way I handled it. But, that was probably because of this conversation I had earlier that evening. Praying and crying were definitely involved. But it also took a lot of trust. As I talked to a close friend about this no that I was getting, he said, "Be aware that the Lord will take care of you." I know that without a doubt. I've seen it in my life as I follow what He asks me to do. When I'm on the path He has for me, I'm happier than I could ever imagine. 

Which leads me back to where I started. I had prayed about the path that I was currently on, about all the decisions that had led me to that moment, writing in my journal about how unhappy I was. And with each decision, I felt that it was the best option, that it was what Heavenly Father wanted for me. 

As I reflected back on that night, I wrote in my journal, " It feels like this was such a long time ago. But it really wasn't. It was hard though. I mean, I feel like I try really hard to do what Heavenly Father asks me to do. And, I have some idea in my head that it means I'll be happy all the time. I forget that the things He asks me to do are usually very difficult."   

Doctrine and Covenants 90:24 says, "Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good." It doesn't say "just the easy things will be for your good." Instead, it says ALL things. That ALL includes the hard things, the challenges, the confusion, the struggle. It covers everything. As long as I am searching diligently, praying, and having faith, then things will work out. God may send me down a difficult path, but He knows that I'll come out of it stronger than ever. 

I've mentioned happiness before. Let me talk about it again. It is okay to not be completely happy all the time. It's okay to struggle through those hard things Heavenly Father puts us through. And, it's also okay to be happy even when we are going through hard times. Last conference, Elder Hales said, "I testify that if you are there for the Lord, He will be there for you. If you love Him and keep His commandments, you will have His Spirit to be with you and guide you." Heavenly Father will be there for us whether we are happy or not. He is simply there.

It isn't about what I want NOW. It's about what I want for ETERNITY. And that is to return to my Heavenly Father and have Him be happy with the person I became. Is that worth staying home from a mission? Is that worth moving back to tiny town I grew up in, struggling to make friends? Is that worth turning down the chance at an awesome summer job to remain in said town? Is it worth all the hard things He'll ask me to do? 

The answer is yes. Not just a casual yes, but a shouting from the rooftops yes. A yelling out the window, smile on my face yes. I promise you, whatever you are facing, it is worth it. 

I've seen the results of following his plan. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. He has made me stronger, increased my faith, given me patience, and just helped me become a better human. Following His plan is my plan. 

A matter of when

It seems that this time of life is full of big challenges and decisions. In fact, it doesn’t just seem to be that way, it truly is that way. While in this phase we decide our entire future. Oftentimes, it is daunting, overwhelming, and just plain terrifying.

I remember being warned of this when in high school, especially my senior year. “Beware, Sorine Kae,” everyone said, “you are entering the dreaded decision making phase of life. Choose carefully, for the choices you make now will affect you and your family for always and eternity!” Of course, this was always said with the best Madame Zeroni impersonation possible.

Alright, I may not have ever heard those exact words. And the Madame Zeroni voice was just in my head. But I was warned and advised to make good decisions. So, I made a little plan for myself. I thought of all the things I needed or wanted to do in the next five or so years and determined when and where they would all happen. I knew when I’d serve a mission, where I’d go to school, when I’d get my degree, when I’d get married, when I’d have children, I knew it all. Well, except for what my degree would be in and the name of my husband, but I’d get to that later. The point is, I had it all planned out.

I graduated from high school five and a half years ago.  I thought that by now I would be a returned missionary, I’d be married, and I’d be a semester or two away from finishing my degree with the most fabulous major to ever exist. Instead, I didn’t serve a mission. I’m still about two years away from finishing a degree. And I’m still as single as ever.

What you are probably expecting now is for me to go into a list of all the wonderful things I’ve accomplished instead and for me to talk about how marvelous my life has been. But, that’s not happening. You see, sometimes I really struggle with the fact that nothing has turned out how I had planned. It isn’t easy. It doesn't feel marvelous.

This Christmas, I’ve been thinking about the wise men. “Wise men still seek him” is a saying I’ve seen on signs, in pictures, facebook statuses, and basically anywhere deemed appropriate for words to be seen. Wanting to do just that, to seek Christ as the wise men did, I decided I first needed to learn how they sought Christ. So, doing as I’ve been taught, I turned to my scriptures.

In my study, I seemed drawn to the differences between the wise men and the shepherds. The shepherds were visited by an angel, they were told where to go, they found, as the angel had told them they would, the baby Jesus in a manger. What an incredible experience! They were there! To see the Savior in such humble circumstances, to witness Mary holding her newborn child and Joseph, who didn't turn away from what I imagine was a very difficult task, watching over the boy he would help raise. These shepherds... I can't even imagine what it must have been like to see that miracle. 

The wise men have a different story. They come into the picture later on. I'm not sure how much later, but it wasn't that same night. They weren't visited by an angel, they weren't told where to find the baby Jesus. Instead, the followed the star with faith, knowing that it would lead them to the Savior and that eventually they would get to meet Jesus. They didn't find Jesus in lowly manger, they didn't get to see Mary's joy as she first held her son. Instead, "they saw the young child with Mary his mother" (Matt 2:11). They brought gifts for Jesus, presented them, and then went back home. 

Now, I'd much rather have been there to see the Savior in the stable. That is how I would have planned it out. But, as I've learned, things don't go according to plan.

So, these wise men, where they disappointed? Was their experience of meeting the Savior any less spiritual, personal, or miraculous than the experience of the shepherds? Absolutely not! The Savior I've come to know, He doesn't turn anyone away, He welcomes everyone in, no matter when they get there. The Savior I know is constantly waiting for us to get to Him. And no matter when we get there, He will be waiting with His arms extended. 

And now, to attempt to put my thoughts into words. Sometimes, I feel like everyone around me is a shepherd. They've gone on missions, they're married, they've earned a degree, they've started to have kids, they're working in these fabulous careers. I am not a shepherd. I didn't get there when I thought it would be the most important time. 

I don't think Heavenly Father has a time frame for things to happen. He doesn't give us deadlines for when we must accomplish any of those life changing tasks. He does, however, know my desire to accomplish them. He understands my worry, my doubt, and my attempted effort. He cares about the challenges I face in trying to follow that star. He might not care about when I get it all done, but He sure does care that I'm trying, that I'm on that path, and, more importantly, that I'm seeking the Savior while on that path. 

This may not be a life altering thought for you like it was for me. But, as I've pondered the experiences of both the shepherds and the wise men, I've found myself taking in a new perspective of my own life. I'll get to those "important" things when I get there. But, along the way, I'll make sure I'm doing everything possible to show my Savior how much I love Him. It isn't the time frame that matters, but rather my desires, my actions, and the steps I make along the way. Even though life isn't how I wanted it, I still seek Him. 

A glimpse at my experience with depression and anxiety

It was Christmas break 2011. A group of us planned to do two things: see the lights at Temple Square and go ice skating. I remember coming up to the ice rink and freezing. Not because it was rather cold outside, but because I was having an anxiety attack.

Anxiety attacks were not new to me at this point, but they also weren’t something I understood yet. I didn’t know how to handle them. I wasn’t even sure if they were anxiety attacks.

Anyway, as we walked towards the ice rink, I slowed down. Fun was about to happen. With people I really enjoyed spending time with. A lot of people. And I shouldn’t be allowed to experience something like that.

So, I backed out. I ran away from fun. Instead, I went to Panda Express and, for the first time ever, ate the entire meal using only chopsticks. It was quite an accomplishment for me.

That night, I wrote in my journal about how much I’d grown. “Now, I at least go,” I wrote. I might not have gone ice skating, but I went with the group, I made it to Salt Lake. That was a huge accomplishment for me. More so than the chopsticks.

I’ve never been good in groups. But I honestly enjoy being around people. I enjoy social events. However, I’m not good at them and they are exhausting.  I’m awful at meeting new people. I often get carried away when trying to introduce myself. I either say absolutely nothing or I go overboard and tell this stranger everything from my favorite flavor of gum to the age and hair color of all my siblings.

The semester leading up to this Christmas break was a game changer for me. I made a new best friend – one who hadn’t grown up in the same town as me. I invited dozens of people to my apartment each week so that I could make them tacos. I even walked right up to a guy I was interested in and told him I liked him. I finished writing a children’s story and it wasn’t even for an assignment. I had a consistent group of friends – a support group I knew I could turn to. For the first time in my life, I realized that I could care deeply for people who weren’t family.

I couldn’t handle it though. Many nights were spent wandering around the campus, iPod playing depressing music, tears coming down my face. It overwhelmed me. To think that I was making friends? People were enjoying spending time with me? I was having fun away from my family? And, the weirdest part of all, I seemed to be okay with it? This wasn’t right.

Just writing about it now is overwhelming me. My stomach is tight, a heavy pressure is resting on my chest, my palms are sweaty, my breathing is heavy and quick.

So, anxiety. It’s real. I deal with it every day. It has prevented me from making friends, from spending time with the friends I’ve actually managed to make, and many more things.

Something else is real. Depression. It seems that these things are often linked. I rarely hear someone bring up one without mentioning the other. I don’t normally talk about how I deal with both every day. But I do.

Four years ago, when I walked towards an ice rink in Salt Lake, something told me I didn’t deserve to have fun. I wasn’t sure what to think or what I was feeling. So I left.

In order for me to enjoy life, I have to be completely aware of my emotions. I need to know what I’m feeling – if I’m feeling happy, sad, angry, indifferent… If I don’t know, then I can’t respond to the age old question of “how are you?” Saying “I’m good” would be a lie. And, you see, I can’t lie if I don’t know the truth.

Depression doesn’t mean I can’t ever feel happiness. My happiness just comes in spurts. I’ll be happy for about two minutes, then something will whisper in the back of my mind that I don’t deserve to feel that happiness. I’m able to fight it off. I know how to push it down and not dwell on it. Sometimes, it is a quick battle and I can bring the happiness back in just a few minutes. Other times, it takes longer. But, the point is, I’m not sure I currently know what it feels like to be happy for longer than two minutes.

Is that normal? Are most people able to feel happiness for longer than two minutes? Does everyone else have to battle the depression voice telling them they have to be sad?

There is one type of happiness that I feel is an exception to this. That happiness comes from God. It’s a feeling of peace, of comfort. When sitting in the temple, I don’t have to fight the voice telling me I can’t be happy. When reading my scriptures, I don’t have to feel anxious about life.

I mentioned that I know how to fight it off. It comes from using the Atonement. Christ didn’t just suffer for my sins, He suffered for this depression I’m feeling, for the anxiety I feel. He knows what it is like to struggle to have control over your emotions. He knows because He felt it. He went through it for me.

So, when that voice whispers that I shouldn’t be happy, another voice whispers back that happiness is possible. I know that one day I’ll be able to experience never-ending happiness (Mosiah 2:41). As I keep the commandments, and use the atonement daily, I’m getting one step closer to that happiness. It’s hard. Battling depression and anxiety isn’t easy. Talking about it isn’t easy. Writing about it isn’t easy. Thinking about it isn’t easy. But, the hope to one day be rid of this, to one day “dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness,” that hope is worth it. 

Miracles

Recently, I've been thinking about miracles. We see them all throughout the scriptures. The Savior performed so many of them! He fed thousands with so little, He gave sight to the blind, He healed the sick, He raised the dead... I often wish I could have been there to see the incredible things He did. It seems that now, we don't notice the miracles anymore. But, they happen. We need them. And the Savior is willing to fill our lives with them.

One of my favorite scripture stories (a certain group of girls would tell you I say that about every scripture story) is in Mark 5:22-42. It is really two stories - or two miracles - combined, and that is why I love it so much. Each time I study it, something new stands out to me. I tried to have a focus with this post, but I found I couldn't talk about just one aspect of this story. So, here are my thoughts on this incredible block of scripture.

Walk with the Savior.
In verse 23, Jairus explains his situation to the Savior. Basically, his daughter is going to die and he has faith that if Christ will lay his hands on her, she will live. And in the next verse, Jesus went with Jairus. I love that it happens right away. Isn't that how the Savior works? When we pray, having faith, and pour out our problems, Christ will be with us right away. However, that doesn't mean that our problems will be fixed right away. Jairus' daughter wasn't healed as soon as he asked the Savior for help. But the Savior was with him as soon as he asked for help.

Along the way, they pass a woman who desires to be healed and has such great faith that all she needs to do is touch Jesus' clothes. Had Jairus' daughter been healed right away, I'm not sure that this would have been able to happen. Often, on our path of sorrow, we will need to watch the Savior heal others first.

Have faith 
I admire the woman's faith. In verse 28 she says "If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole." Miracles take faith. Faith is action. The woman had to do something in order to be healed. She didn't just hope it would work, she did what she could to make it happen. We must do the same with our miracles. Do your part, and the Lord will take care of the rest.

As soon as the woman touches His clothes, she is healed. The scriptures use the word "straightway." It wasn't years later, it wasn't even moments later. It happened right away, it happened at once. Have faith that your miracles can happen at once, But...

Have patience - "Be not afraid"
Remember that miracles take time. Having faith that our miracles can happen right away is important. But it is just as important to have the patience when they don't happen right away. Jairus had faith that is just as incredible as the woman's faith. He believed that his daughter could still be healed. He had already explained his situation to Jesus. He had already begun the path with the Savior. What amazes me is the fact that he stayed. Jairus didn't leave and think that the woman's miracle was more important. He didn't give up. He still had faith - and patience - that his daughter could be healed. I feel that Jairus' example is more common in my life. Often when I am wanting a miracle, I see it in others first. And what a blessing that is! Because Jairus had faith and patience, he witnessed the savior perform two miracles. When waiting for your miracle to happen - whatever it may be - the Savior gives the best advice: "Be not afraid, only believe" (Mark 5:36).

"And told him all the truth..."
I mentioned before that all the woman had to do was touch the Savior's clothes and she was healed. She didn't need to talk to Him, she didn't even need to explain to Him what she needed. She had enough faith to simply reach out and she was healed.

The Savior could have kept on going, He could have continued on to heal Jairus' daughter. The woman had been healed, that's what she wanted. But, instead "He looked round about to see her" (verse 32). He sought her out, wanting to help her.  He allowed her to tell her story. He listened. He comforted.

The savior does that with us, too. He doesn't leave us as soon as we are healed. He will stay with us. Often when I pray and tell Him what is going on, I feel him say "What else?" The Savior listens and continues to help even beyond what we imagine.

"Why troublest thou the Master further?"
Over the summer I had the chance to be an EFY counselor. I know I mention it a lot, but it really is an amazing experience. However, it does have plenty of challenges. I had spent the entire summer putting my problems aside and helping the youth. It was incredible to do that. But, eventually everything came crashing down. I was nearing the end of the summer and was so worried about having to face my own trials again. I prayed, expressing this worry to my Heavenly Father, and then opened my scriptures. I read this story, but not all the way through. I stopped in verse 35 when it said "why troublest thou the Master further?" I bawled. I felt as if my problems meant nothing. Nothing could be done for me - there were no miracles that could take place.

The world will tell us this. They will "laugh us to scorn" (verse 40). They will have us believe that there is no hope. But that is not the case. Every little problem we face matters to the Savior. He suffered for every little thing we will ever encounter. There will never come a point when we trouble Him, when He won't be able to help us. If it matters to you, it matters to the Savior. He cares about you so much that "even the very hairs of your head are ALL numbered" (Luke 12:7). He knows you, He knows what you need. He won't give up on you, so NEVER give up on Him.

"What are you?"

In fall of 2012 I started a job at an elementary school. It opened up many doors for me and has really shaped my life. While at this job, I spent the majority of my time in kindergarten classes. I'd lead groups of about five students through different activities to help them with their reading. The activities were things they could do while talking to me, so I got to know these kids pretty well. And it seemed like they wanted to get to know me, too. They'd ask all sorts of questions.

One day, a little boy asked me if I was a mom. That seemed to be the most common question from these kids. I responded and told him no, I wasn't a mom. That wasn't enough for him. He needed a title for me. He proceeded to ask if I was a teenager or a wife or a grandma. When I told him no to each of those, he seemed genuinely concerned. "Well," he said, "what are you then?"

Even though it is now years later, this short conversation has been on my mind the past few weeks. I've started a job at another elementary school (this makes four) and the same little boy who asked me those questions attends this school as a third grader. Pretty sure he doesn't remember me, but that's okay. Anyway, I've started to ask myself that same question. What am I then?

I know what I'm not. So, let's start there.

I'm not a mother. And it's hard. Last week I sat in a Relief Society lesson and listened to this wonderful sister cry as she explained her desire to use her degree and have a career, but instead she is staying home with her kids. I held back my own tears as I thought of how I'm in the exact opposite situation. Because I want to be a mom more than anything. However, the thing is I'm not a mom. I'm not even close to being a mom. BUT, I'm an aunt. I'm so lucky to live closer to my adorable nephew, to see him every day, and to be a part of his life. I'm a cousin. My dad is the oldest of ten, my mom the oldest of four. I've got tons of cousins. And I love spending time with each of them. I've been in various jobs that have allowed me to work with kids and with youth. My favorite being the job of an EFY counselor. I've been able to pray with kids, watch them change, play games with them, learn with them. I may not be a mother yet, but Heavenly Father is still giving me as many opportunities as He can.

I'm not a teenager. It seems silly to say it. But, it's true. And not being a teenager anymore comes with a lot of challenges. I don't get to go to high school and see my friends every day. I don't get to stay out all night and still feel energized the next day. I have responsibilities now. Ones that stress me out so much I don't even want to talk about them. BUT, I get to interact with my little brother more through his teenage years. I get to be excited for him when he gets the lead in a play (which did just happen, by the way). I can still stay up late and I have more freedom in that. I have a job that allows me to be home earlier in the day, providing me with plenty of time to read or color or ride my bike or any of the things I loved doing while a teenager. I may be growing up, but I can handle it.

I'm not a student. It's fall. School is starting up again and all my friends are moving back to Logan while I stay here. It's not easy to hear about them taking classes and meeting new people. It's not easy to explain how I never did finish my degree. I honestly hate not being a student. BUT, I've had amazing work experiences. I'll be starting school online in January. And though it won't be the typical school experience, I'll be learning. When I finally have my degree, when I can finally be a teacher in my own classroom, I'll have worked within four different school districts, worked with all ages, and have had experiences that I couldn't have gotten while having the typical school experience.

I'm not a missionary/RM. If you follow my blog, or my life, at all then you've heard me talk about this. It's something I'm passionate about as it was something I really wanted in my life. I'll be honest with you, it isn't easy to be happy for people when they are given the chance to serve a mission. I think it is wonderful, but I can't help but feel sad that a full time mission is not a part of the plan Heavenly Father has for me. It's hard hearing of their stories and success, seeing the changes they go through. They get to experience this amazing thing. While I wanted to be on a mission, I lived at my parents house, away from friends, away from school, away from what I wanted in life. BUT, I still find ways to share the gospel. As I said before, I've been a counselor at EFY. I've been able to teach youth and to grow with them. My faith has increased more than I ever thought it would. And though I may not have served a full time mission, I've still been blessed with opportunities to share the gospel in little ways every day.

When my cute little student looked up at me full of shock and concern, I didn't know what to say. I honestly don't even know what I told him. I remember telling my sister the story later and she said, "Well, duh, Sorine. You're an adult. How hard is that to say?" And it is true. I am an adult. But today an even better answer came to me. One I've heard many times. One that I need to hear, and say, as often as possible. I am a child of God. And that's the only title I need.

What I wish I could say, round 3

Apparently this is becoming a tradition. Maybe I should just dare to open my mouth or something...

I don't understand you. And really, that's a good thing.

I'm glad we are on the same page with this whole guys/girls being friends thing. Because, honestly, it is possible.

Really, I don't know what to say here. I want to help you. It's a hard thing you're going through. But I don't know how to help you. Even though I can relate, your situation is different. And, in my opinion, much harder. Just know I'm here for you. And, more importantly, so is your Heavenly Father.

You don't have to try and convince someone you're fantastic. Because you are and it is easy to see.

So, sometimes, you really drive me crazy. I often have to leave because I know if I stay I'll want to shout things at you. Shouting isn't nice. Anyway, I still think you're great. You just got to let it show more. Not just the what-I-want-people-to-know greatness, but the secret greatness too. I know, cheesy. Oh, and hey, here's the ten bucks I owe you.

I'm not kidding when I say you're the best friend I've ever had. After I told you I was leaving, I cried knowing that the chance of us staying this close is pretty slim.

You make me smile. Everything about you. Really, I'm just slightly crazy about you. And, until now, I haven't admitted that. So, this is news to me, too.

I'm sad that we've lost touch.

You've grown up so much! And you've turned out to be remarkable. I never doubted it, though. I love spending time with you and hearing your stories. And I love how much you love hearing my stories. I hope we always stay this close. And, thanks for being such a gentleman. I wish I could have had a friend like you when I was in high school.

No matter what you choose to do with your life, I'll support you. Your choices are unlimited right now. You can do just about anything you set your mind to. Thanks for letting me be a part of your decision making process. Love you lots!

Thank you for always getting excited about my life. I know that no matter how repetitive my stories are, you'll still listen and respond with enthusiasm.

Growing up, I didn't always like you. But I always loved you. And I knew you'd be there for me no matter what. You still are.

So, basically, you're the friend I wish I was better friends with. I think you're awesome. How the heck are you still single? But, really, I'm glad you are. So, I'm selfish. But hey, I get a great friend and we can be single together.

I must meet this man! Even though I already have. And I think he's perfect for you. I'm beyond excited for your future.

Don't sell yourself short. You've got your options open to you, too, you know. Just because life isn't how you thought it would be doesn't mean it isn't wonderful.

That cake you are making smells really good. Plus, you're incredible. You've inspired me more than I could even say.

You are still pretty young. You've got a lot ahead of you and a lot of growing to do. I don't mean that in a oh man, you need to improve way. But in a oh man your future looks exciting way. I just hope you can stop looking so much on the past and see the greatness that is ahead of you.

And, that's all. I think I've told you everything. Now it's your turn.

You once told me - well, shouted at me - something that never left my mind. And as much as it hurt (and sometimes still does) I know that those words are what push me to improve.

Don't lie. It's bad for your taste buds.

Thank you! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!!