She's okay

It's been a while since I've posted. I wish I could say it's because I've been traveling or adventuring or doing something exciting, but really I just haven't posted and that's all there is to it.

 A few weeks ago I started this post and couldn't get myself to finish it. It came to my mind while at the funeral for my best friend's mom. One of the people who spoke was actually one of the people who came to pick me up from school when my sister died. In her talk, she mentioned that Teresa (my friend's mom) was okay now. I quickly thought of my sister and a paper I wrote about her when I was in high school. 

I thought I'd share the paper I wrote. Please don't judge me for my mistakes, I was young. Plus, it is in it's original form and it was a hard thing for me to write about. 

She’s Okay

            “Mrs. Payne? Could you please send Sorine Goodworth down to the office; she’ll be leaving?” the voice filled the classroom. Staring with hopeful eyes the other sixth grade students looked at me, envious of my name.

            I wasn't expecting to leave school. Normally I am warned by my mom before I even walk out the door. I thought nothing of it and bent down to get my books out of my desk. I looked inside and there sat a package of Smarties. Thinking of Gracie and how she loves those circles of sugar I put the Smarties in my coat pocket and was out the door.

            “Hey Sorine, where are you going?” it seemed like the entire world was out in the hall as I took the walk to the office, and everyone was curious as to where I was going.

            “I don’t know. They just called me down so I left,” I said in my cheery voice. I was happy to leave school. What kid wouldn't be?

            I was quite shocked to see Tracy and Jolynn waiting with Julia. Now I was starting to wonder what was going on. Why isn't Mom picking us up? Where are we going? Why didn't Mom tell me I was going to leave?

            After we picked up the rest of my siblings Tracy tried to explain what was going on. “Something happened with Gracie. She is at the hospital and your mom wants all of you to be there with her.”

            Something happened with Gracie. She is okay. She just has to be okay. She was sick last night; maybe Mom just took her to the emergency room because it got worse. But she is okay. I couldn't let myself continue thinking. If I thought about it too long I would worry, I didn't want to worry. She’s going to be okay. She’s going to be okay…I felt like the more I thought it the more likely it was to be true. Something like this couldn't happen to me. I believed it though, I truly believed it.

            We got to the hospital and said a quick prayer before going inside. Whitney was more worried than the rest of us and thought that a prayer would help. Doesn't she know that Gracie’s okay? As we walked down the hall everyone looked at us with that sad look. She is okay! I was shouting it now and felt like screaming it at the next person who gave me that sad look.

            I entered the white room and started to look around. There was no hospital bed, no nurse, no doctor. That has to be good, right? Mom and Dad sat in the chairs and Mom held a bundle of blankets which I assumed held my beautiful, loving, adorable two year old sister. She’s okay. I said it one last time but my confidence in the statement was starting to disappear. I wasn't sure how much I believed it anymore.

            After my mom smiled and told us all hello I knew something was wrong. Eyes watering, hands shaking, Mom started to talk, “When I went in Gracie’s room to wake her up this morning she wasn't breathing. They did all that they could but she’s gone.”

            It was like the wall fell and everyone felt like they could let their tears flow. And we did. Every moment I had spent with that beautiful, loving, adorable little sister flashed before my teary eyes. I held her stiff body thinking she couldn't be gone. But she was and I couldn't do anything about it.

            It has been almost four years and my life still isn't back to how it was. Every now and then I remind myself that she is okay. Just because I can’t see her doesn't mean she isn't okay. She is in heaven wrapped in my Heavenly Fathers arms and she's okay.

            I walked out those hospital doors trying to keep from crying one last time. I slipped my hand in my coat pocket. The Smarties. Tears filled my eyes again and I couldn't hold them back. “Just remember the good times you had with her,” my uncle Todd said. With my hand clenched around those Smarties I walked towards the car. She’s okay.

And there you have it. Fifteen year old me writing about my sister. I wish I could say things get easier, and in a way they do. But the fact is, when I was twelve years old, my little sister died. And I can't change that.  But, I have faith. I know that my sister and my friend's mom are okay. In fact, they are more than okay. And they want us to be happy. 

I just have to remind myself, Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. He has helped me in the past, and He will help me in the future.