Around this time last year, I wrote a post about fear. It is obvious how much I have let fear hold a place in my life. I have a lot of fears. Oddly enough, I'm not afraid to admit that. I honestly can't tell you what it was that made me write that post. I know I was terrified of something. But it has passed now. Whatever it was, it wasn't enough to completely consume me.
But I still have fears. Over the summer I had the wonderful opportunity to be an EFY counselor. Each week, when I would sit down and introduce myself to my new group of girls, I'd share my favorite scripture. 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I'd talk to them about the fears I have, starting little and getting to the bigger ones. I'm afraid of moths. I'm afraid of needles. I'm afraid of being the first car at a red light. I'm afraid of heights. I'm afraid of left hand turns. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of disappointing my parents. I'm afraid I won't be enough. I'm afraid...I'm afraid...I'm afraid...
The list could go on. In fact, in my head it really does. There are times when I let the list of fears just roll over and consume my thoughts. It isn't healthy.
One moment when I let this happen sticks out above all the rest. I say moment, but let's be real, it lasted for quite some time. I've talked about this story before (you can read it here and here), but I intentionally left out the detail of fear. I was afraid to talk about it. But I think it is important. So I'm talking about it now.
Because of the previous posts, I won't retell the entire story. But, for those of who not wanting to go back and read (don't worry, I wouldn't want to either), here's what you need to know. I wanted to serve a mission more than anything. I looked forward to it since I was sixteen. It was all I could think about and really the only part of my future I had planned. However, I didn't serve a mission.
And now the details I was too afraid to share before.
When in my last semester at Snow college, the one I assumed would be right before leaving on a mission, I took a mission prep institute class. It was wonderful! The teacher was one I had had for other classes and he and I were pretty close. As the semester went on, and my prayer/fasting about a mission increased, he could tell something was up. One day he handed me a note. Basically, it said he thought I was great and that if I wanted to talk about things he'd be willing to listen.
I immediately took him up on that offer. As soon as class was over we sat down in his office and I began to let it all out. I explained how badly I wanted an answer about serving a mission. As much as I wanted to go, my desire to follow what God had planned for me was even greater. I explained to him how I'd been praying, but hadn't gotten an answer either way.
His response was unexpected. He didn't reference scriptures of waiting for an answer or of listening to the spirit. Instead, he asked me what my real thoughts of serving a mission were, answers to prayers aside. So, I told him I was afraid. I expressed my anxiety over it all. I wanted to serve, but I was afraid.
That's when he opened the scriptures. And what scripture did he turn to? My favorite. 2 Timothy 1:7. "Where are these fears coming from?" he asked. And I realized I couldn't take those fears as an answer to my prayers. I'd been too scared, and those fears blocked my ability to really find out the answer. It wasn't until I faced the fears I had and brought them to my Heavenly Father that I was able to get an answer.
The reason I've never shared that part of the story before is because it almost seems like I didn't serve because I was afraid. That isn't the case. By the end of it all, those fears were gone. I wasn't afraid of serving a mission. If anything, my desire to serve only increased.
And that's what I want to focus on. Those fears were gone. How did that happen?
I've always been given the impression that having fear is a bad thing. However, in Elder David A. Bednar's most recent conference talk, he said, "Notably, one of the first effects of the Fall was for Adam and Eve to experience fear. This potent emotion is an important element of our mortal existence." When I heard that I was kind of surprised. Fear is important? And here I thought fear was a bad thing.
Fear is the lack of faith, right? Isn't that what I've always been told? How could lacking faith ever be a good thing?
That fear and faith thing always bothered me. I mean, I have a lot of fears! But I also have a lot of faith. Can they really not exist at the same time? Because they are both pretty constant themes in my life...
Elder Bednar gives three principles to removing our fear: Look to Christ, build upon the foundation of Christ, and press forward with faith in Christ. The last word in each of the principles is the same. Christ. He is the key to removing our fear. When I wanted an answer about serving a mission, I did all three of those things. I turned to Christ despite my fears. With his help, I was able to push the fears aside and focus on what really matters.
Today, I learned something incredible. Fear is not always the lack of faith, rather the lack of peace. I have fears. That doesn't mean I'm unfaithful. It means I lack peace. Through my faith I can take my fears to the Savior and feel peace.
Fear is still going to be a part of my life. But God loves me enough to provide a way to remove the fear and replace it with His peace, which passeth ALL understanding (Philippians 4:7). His peace exists. It isn't just some made up fairy tale to make me happy. It is real. I've felt it. And because of that, my fear can be removed.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Dating: The Dreaded Topic
Personally, I think life is great. It is full of ups and downs, but it's fun to see how it plays out. I'm at a wonderful point in life. Basically, I have my options open to me and I can do whatever I'd like. There are a lot of things in my future I have to look forward to. Plenty of opportunities that I'm simply beyond excited for.
Now, this isn't the end all of a happy life, but I'm single. Yeah, still. I've never been in a relationship. I've never been kissed. Honestly, I'm okay with it about 80% of the time. It's the other 20% that is hard.
In the Mormon culture you can't avoid the topic of dating. All those in my ward can confirm that there is a certain member of the bishopric who can't talk to you without bringing up dating. In a YSA ward, it is only natural for the bishopric to want us to get married. As much as they love us, they want us to get married and leave the ward. And it's hard to hear it from them. Even though the entire ward is unmarried (it is, after all, dedicated to the singles of the church), I still feel alone in it all.
It shouldn't be this way, but it is even harder around family. It's probably because they want me to be happy and they think marriage/dating can bring happiness to my life. They mean well, but the pressure often gets me down. I've gotten to a point where I don't even enjoy telling them about the new guy I'm interested in. Which is weird because I normally love telling them all those details.
So, the thing is, I'm twenty-three and single and it is hard. You know how I'm a journal nerd? Well, a lot of those journals are filled with ideas I had of why I'm single. I have pages and pages full of repulsive things about me. Things that I dislike. Things I wish I could change. Things I really shouldn't be focusing on.
For some reason, I have it in my mind that there is something wrong with me and that is why I'm still single. This year, I tried really hard to put myself out there (keep in mind that my idea of putting myself out there is probably completely different than yours. I'm shy and I keep to myself. Just getting to ward prayer is often a challenge). At the start of fall semester, my bishop gave me dating advice. At first, I was a little worried to hear it. I didn't want it to be something I couldn't do. But he knows me and he was really inspired in the advice he gave. And I followed it. I did the best I could. Honestly, other than flat out asking a guy on a date, I've done what I can to date.
So what's the problem, then? Why am I not dating?
And now I'm back to the blame me mindset.
After having a conversation with a friend (one who, on more than just one occasion, I have wished would ask me on a date) about dating, the answer came to me. I'm not caring enough. I don't do enough for others. I need to be more compassionate. I don't serve enough...
I couldn't stop. My mind was full of negative thoughts about myself.
Now, it's been less than two hours since this conversation. And in those two hours I didn't come to some miraculous conclusion of how I'm wonderful and some guy will be lucky to have me, even if I don't do all the kind acts I should. I wish I could say I've replaced all those thoughts. I wish I could say I've found a way to deal with it.
The truth is, I do need to serve more. I could be more compassionate. I need to reach outside of myself more. But to say that's why I'm not dating? Come on, Sorine. That's ridiculous.
And you know what? ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I need to quit telling myself what I'm doing wrong and think about all the good I'm doing. I'm not perfect. But I'm doing enough.
Two and a half years ago, I wrote a blog about dating. Here's the advice I gave at the end: "Be yourself. If you are a girl who expects the guys to ask on dates, you don't constantly have a smile on your face, and you enjoy making meals for others, that is okay. If you are a guy who would rather complain to a girl than ask her out, you let girls cook for you and don't do anything in return, and you only ask a girl out if you already know you are really, genuinely interested and think you love her, that is okay. Just make sure you know who to blame if you are single. You are responsible for it. Not the girls who won't smile, not the guys you make dinner for. You."
Harsh, right? But it is also the truth. The hard to accept, painful, difficult truth. I'm responsible for the fact that I'm still single. If I want to get to the next step in life, I need to leave the one I'm at. And moving forward means leaving your comfort zone. If I want a change, I have to change myself in order to get it.
That's all, folks!
Now, this isn't the end all of a happy life, but I'm single. Yeah, still. I've never been in a relationship. I've never been kissed. Honestly, I'm okay with it about 80% of the time. It's the other 20% that is hard.
In the Mormon culture you can't avoid the topic of dating. All those in my ward can confirm that there is a certain member of the bishopric who can't talk to you without bringing up dating. In a YSA ward, it is only natural for the bishopric to want us to get married. As much as they love us, they want us to get married and leave the ward. And it's hard to hear it from them. Even though the entire ward is unmarried (it is, after all, dedicated to the singles of the church), I still feel alone in it all.
It shouldn't be this way, but it is even harder around family. It's probably because they want me to be happy and they think marriage/dating can bring happiness to my life. They mean well, but the pressure often gets me down. I've gotten to a point where I don't even enjoy telling them about the new guy I'm interested in. Which is weird because I normally love telling them all those details.
So, the thing is, I'm twenty-three and single and it is hard. You know how I'm a journal nerd? Well, a lot of those journals are filled with ideas I had of why I'm single. I have pages and pages full of repulsive things about me. Things that I dislike. Things I wish I could change. Things I really shouldn't be focusing on.
For some reason, I have it in my mind that there is something wrong with me and that is why I'm still single. This year, I tried really hard to put myself out there (keep in mind that my idea of putting myself out there is probably completely different than yours. I'm shy and I keep to myself. Just getting to ward prayer is often a challenge). At the start of fall semester, my bishop gave me dating advice. At first, I was a little worried to hear it. I didn't want it to be something I couldn't do. But he knows me and he was really inspired in the advice he gave. And I followed it. I did the best I could. Honestly, other than flat out asking a guy on a date, I've done what I can to date.
So what's the problem, then? Why am I not dating?
And now I'm back to the blame me mindset.
After having a conversation with a friend (one who, on more than just one occasion, I have wished would ask me on a date) about dating, the answer came to me. I'm not caring enough. I don't do enough for others. I need to be more compassionate. I don't serve enough...
I couldn't stop. My mind was full of negative thoughts about myself.
Now, it's been less than two hours since this conversation. And in those two hours I didn't come to some miraculous conclusion of how I'm wonderful and some guy will be lucky to have me, even if I don't do all the kind acts I should. I wish I could say I've replaced all those thoughts. I wish I could say I've found a way to deal with it.
The truth is, I do need to serve more. I could be more compassionate. I need to reach outside of myself more. But to say that's why I'm not dating? Come on, Sorine. That's ridiculous.
And you know what? ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I need to quit telling myself what I'm doing wrong and think about all the good I'm doing. I'm not perfect. But I'm doing enough.
Two and a half years ago, I wrote a blog about dating. Here's the advice I gave at the end: "Be yourself. If you are a girl who expects the guys to ask on dates, you don't constantly have a smile on your face, and you enjoy making meals for others, that is okay. If you are a guy who would rather complain to a girl than ask her out, you let girls cook for you and don't do anything in return, and you only ask a girl out if you already know you are really, genuinely interested and think you love her, that is okay. Just make sure you know who to blame if you are single. You are responsible for it. Not the girls who won't smile, not the guys you make dinner for. You."
Harsh, right? But it is also the truth. The hard to accept, painful, difficult truth. I'm responsible for the fact that I'm still single. If I want to get to the next step in life, I need to leave the one I'm at. And moving forward means leaving your comfort zone. If I want a change, I have to change myself in order to get it.
That's all, folks!
Sunday, March 15, 2015
God's Love: It's Personal
If you know me at all, (and, if you're actually reading this beginning to end, then I assume you do know me) then you know I hate making decisions. Even simple ones like what to eat for breakfast often stress me out. I recently had a big decision to make. It started out as simply a thought. But then that thought wouldn't leave. And before I knew it, it was all I could think about. It was eating at me.
I don't do this with every decision that stresses me out, because I believe that we "should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of [our] own free will" (Doctrine and Covenants 58:27). But, when it comes to the life changing decisions, I try to look to God in every thought regarding the situation, doubting not, fearing not (Doctrine and Covenants 6:36).
And so I turned to Him in prayer. I explained the situation and told Him all about the change I was thinking of making. I fasted. I attended the temple. I made pro and con lists. I talked it over with my close friends. And I prayed my heart out.
As time went on, I became so bogged down by it. I was continually praying about it. I'd kind of made a decision, but had yet to receive any sort of confirmation. I was beyond frustrated with it all. I needed to have the answer in order to start working on things. I felt as though I couldn't move forward at all until I knew it was the right choice.
I often hear stories of how someone is struggling and they kneel down, praying to Heavenly Father for someone to show they care. And then BAM! Their phone rings and it is someone who just got the feeling they should call. Or how an idea comes to someone's mind and they just know it is what Heavenly Father wants them to do. And through all this, it even seemed like the scriptures were full of stories like that. The story in 1 Nephi 17 was on my mind. This is when Nephi is commanded to build a ship to take his family across the waters. In verse nine, when wondering where to get supplies, Nephi asks the Lord where he should go. Right after, in verse ten, it says "And it came to pass that the Lord told me whither I should go." There isn't even a verse in between where Nephi has to search for the place on his own or where his patience is tried, waiting for an answer. Sure, it was time sensitive. Nephi couldn't build the ship without the tools. But my situation sure felt time sensitive, too. Why wasn't this happening for me? I was keeping the commandments, I was doing what I should. Ask and ye shall receive, right? Why wasn't I getting an answer?
While doing my best to be patient and continue living my life, I'd add things to the pro and con list. I'd consider something else and discuss it with Heavenly Father through prayer. Eventually, I expressed my feelings of frustration to Him. I pleaded for an answer and committed to accept either answer, I just wanted to do what He would have me do. Still, no answer.
Now, pause this story for a moment. I titled this post "God's Love: It's Personal." And that is because of one of my favorite scripture stories, the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus in John chapter 11. Lazarus is sick and his sisters send for Jesus. However, when He gets there, Lazarus has been dead for four days. As soon as Martha heard Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him. In verses 21-22 it says, "Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. But I know that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it thee."
Jesus responds by building up her testimony. In verses 23, 25, and 26, He says, "Thy brother shall rise again. I am the resurrection and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?" This provided Martha with the comfort she needed to continue on. How could those words, coming from the Savior himself, not provide comfort?
Next, Jesus meets with Mary. She, in verse 32, says the same thing Martha had said. "Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died." Here we have two sisters, both suffering the loss of their brother. Both talking to the Savior. Yet, He responds in different ways. And verse 35 comes next, two simple words: "Jesus wept."
Why did He comfort each sister differently? Because Mary and Martha are not the same person. Christ loves them both equally and knows them both personally, just as He loves and knows each of us. Because they are different people, He responds differently to them.
Now, back to my story. A short time later (it really was just a short time, though it didn't feel that way while I was in it), I was working late for a literacy night at one of the schools I work at. It had absolutely nothing to do with the decision that I was faced with. But, while I was there, I got my answer. It made sense to me. It felt right. I knew it was what I needed to do. I can't express how wonderful that felt. The best word I can give is happy. I felt happy. Happier than I had in a VERY long time.
Once I got my answer, I understood why I had to wait. If the answer would have come to me right away, I probably wouldn't have accepted it. I would have tried to accomplish what He asked, but I would have continually been wondering if I had really prayed about it enough or really considered every option. Heavenly Father knows me. He knows that in order for me to be dedicated to something I need to have logic to back it up - it just has to make sense to me. He could have given me the answer right away. But He knows me. And He knew, better than I did, when I really needed my answer.
Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I know this. It often isn't how I imagine it to be, as I talked about here and here. But, He has my best interest in mind. In Moses 1:39 He says "For behold, this is my work and my glory - to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." He wants me to return to Him. It is His work to bring me home. He would NEVER send me on a path that would lead anywhere else.
God's love for each of us is personal. And because of that, we are given the chance to have a personal relationship with Him. He loves us! He will guide us, support us, lead us. He will always be there. His love for us is always there.
I don't do this with every decision that stresses me out, because I believe that we "should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of [our] own free will" (Doctrine and Covenants 58:27). But, when it comes to the life changing decisions, I try to look to God in every thought regarding the situation, doubting not, fearing not (Doctrine and Covenants 6:36).
And so I turned to Him in prayer. I explained the situation and told Him all about the change I was thinking of making. I fasted. I attended the temple. I made pro and con lists. I talked it over with my close friends. And I prayed my heart out.
As time went on, I became so bogged down by it. I was continually praying about it. I'd kind of made a decision, but had yet to receive any sort of confirmation. I was beyond frustrated with it all. I needed to have the answer in order to start working on things. I felt as though I couldn't move forward at all until I knew it was the right choice.
I often hear stories of how someone is struggling and they kneel down, praying to Heavenly Father for someone to show they care. And then BAM! Their phone rings and it is someone who just got the feeling they should call. Or how an idea comes to someone's mind and they just know it is what Heavenly Father wants them to do. And through all this, it even seemed like the scriptures were full of stories like that. The story in 1 Nephi 17 was on my mind. This is when Nephi is commanded to build a ship to take his family across the waters. In verse nine, when wondering where to get supplies, Nephi asks the Lord where he should go. Right after, in verse ten, it says "And it came to pass that the Lord told me whither I should go." There isn't even a verse in between where Nephi has to search for the place on his own or where his patience is tried, waiting for an answer. Sure, it was time sensitive. Nephi couldn't build the ship without the tools. But my situation sure felt time sensitive, too. Why wasn't this happening for me? I was keeping the commandments, I was doing what I should. Ask and ye shall receive, right? Why wasn't I getting an answer?
While doing my best to be patient and continue living my life, I'd add things to the pro and con list. I'd consider something else and discuss it with Heavenly Father through prayer. Eventually, I expressed my feelings of frustration to Him. I pleaded for an answer and committed to accept either answer, I just wanted to do what He would have me do. Still, no answer.
Now, pause this story for a moment. I titled this post "God's Love: It's Personal." And that is because of one of my favorite scripture stories, the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus in John chapter 11. Lazarus is sick and his sisters send for Jesus. However, when He gets there, Lazarus has been dead for four days. As soon as Martha heard Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him. In verses 21-22 it says, "Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. But I know that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it thee."
Jesus responds by building up her testimony. In verses 23, 25, and 26, He says, "Thy brother shall rise again. I am the resurrection and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?" This provided Martha with the comfort she needed to continue on. How could those words, coming from the Savior himself, not provide comfort?
Next, Jesus meets with Mary. She, in verse 32, says the same thing Martha had said. "Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died." Here we have two sisters, both suffering the loss of their brother. Both talking to the Savior. Yet, He responds in different ways. And verse 35 comes next, two simple words: "Jesus wept."
Why did He comfort each sister differently? Because Mary and Martha are not the same person. Christ loves them both equally and knows them both personally, just as He loves and knows each of us. Because they are different people, He responds differently to them.
Now, back to my story. A short time later (it really was just a short time, though it didn't feel that way while I was in it), I was working late for a literacy night at one of the schools I work at. It had absolutely nothing to do with the decision that I was faced with. But, while I was there, I got my answer. It made sense to me. It felt right. I knew it was what I needed to do. I can't express how wonderful that felt. The best word I can give is happy. I felt happy. Happier than I had in a VERY long time.
Once I got my answer, I understood why I had to wait. If the answer would have come to me right away, I probably wouldn't have accepted it. I would have tried to accomplish what He asked, but I would have continually been wondering if I had really prayed about it enough or really considered every option. Heavenly Father knows me. He knows that in order for me to be dedicated to something I need to have logic to back it up - it just has to make sense to me. He could have given me the answer right away. But He knows me. And He knew, better than I did, when I really needed my answer.
Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I know this. It often isn't how I imagine it to be, as I talked about here and here. But, He has my best interest in mind. In Moses 1:39 He says "For behold, this is my work and my glory - to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." He wants me to return to Him. It is His work to bring me home. He would NEVER send me on a path that would lead anywhere else.
God's love for each of us is personal. And because of that, we are given the chance to have a personal relationship with Him. He loves us! He will guide us, support us, lead us. He will always be there. His love for us is always there.
Friday, January 2, 2015
A Resolution that Stuck
Ten years ago I sat in my bedroom and started something that lasted. I was thirteen, thinking I knew just about everything. I wrote in my journal - bad grammar, atrocious spelling - about my goal for the coming year. So, just for you, here is what thirteen year old Sorine had to say on New Year's Day 2005:
"Geeze, it is going to be hard to write 05 up there from now on. But I guess that I will get used to it cuz I am going to write it in here every day! I no that I sed that 2 years ago and have only written 19 times since then, but I AM going to do it this year! And when you are full I'll get a new journal! Well it is kind of ovious that that is one of my new year resolutions."
Notice the fun style of writing I had in seventh grade. That's right, shortening words and spelling them incorrectly was very cool back then.
Anyway, ten years, 31 journals, and over 7500 pages later, I'm still writing every day. It did take a while to get used to and I missed a handful of days here and there. However, I can confidently say that I have not missed a day since 2007.
So, the question is, what have I learned from this? I've learned that goals can be accomplished. It is rough. I struggled doing it alone and tried to get others to join me. Turns out no one else finds journal writing parties as thrilling as I do. There were times I doubted myself, wondering if it was worth it. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've written about how I spent the day reading in my pajamas and asked myself why I keep doing this. But I've thought a lot about it and came up with a few things that keep me going.
#1 - Determination
I've written consistently for ten years. TEN YEARS! That is a long time. I don't want to break the chain. Even if I just talk about how tired I am at the end of the day, I'm determined to keep going.
#2 - Entertainment
I'm a Goodworth. As I mentioned here, Goodworths find themselves to be very funny. I love going back and reading about how I think waltz is spelled so cool, and how I'm going to cook noodles inside of a pool noodle, and how I want to go to college to learn how to become a dinosaur. Basically, I'm just a funny person.
#3 - Facts/Solving Arguments
There have been many times where someone I know needed to know something - what day did we have that ward activity where I met my husband? When was I ordained? Where were we for Thanksgiving last year? These questions have occasionally turned into debates (particularly that Thanksgiving one) and by opening up my journal I can figure it out.
#4 - Memories
This is the one thing that keeps me going above everything else. I'm so grateful I have a record of what I thought the day my little sister died. I'm so glad I have copies of notes my little brother has written me. I love the fact that my journals talk about the friends I had and the crazy things we did.
While writing this blog post I've flipped through a couple of my old journals. I don't think I can fully express the way they make me feel. You know how I mentioned that no one else finds journal writing parties as thrilling as I do? Pretty sure it's the same way with journal reading parties. And that's the thing about my journals, as selfish as it may be, I write for myself. I don't think anyone else will ever sit down and read through an entire journal of mine. In fact, I kind of don't want someone to ever have to sit down and read through my entire journal. They are probably boring to other people.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I'm a journal nerd. And it is time I put it out there.
"Geeze, it is going to be hard to write 05 up there from now on. But I guess that I will get used to it cuz I am going to write it in here every day! I no that I sed that 2 years ago and have only written 19 times since then, but I AM going to do it this year! And when you are full I'll get a new journal! Well it is kind of ovious that that is one of my new year resolutions."
Notice the fun style of writing I had in seventh grade. That's right, shortening words and spelling them incorrectly was very cool back then.
Anyway, ten years, 31 journals, and over 7500 pages later, I'm still writing every day. It did take a while to get used to and I missed a handful of days here and there. However, I can confidently say that I have not missed a day since 2007.
So, the question is, what have I learned from this? I've learned that goals can be accomplished. It is rough. I struggled doing it alone and tried to get others to join me. Turns out no one else finds journal writing parties as thrilling as I do. There were times I doubted myself, wondering if it was worth it. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've written about how I spent the day reading in my pajamas and asked myself why I keep doing this. But I've thought a lot about it and came up with a few things that keep me going.
#1 - Determination
I've written consistently for ten years. TEN YEARS! That is a long time. I don't want to break the chain. Even if I just talk about how tired I am at the end of the day, I'm determined to keep going.
#2 - Entertainment
I'm a Goodworth. As I mentioned here, Goodworths find themselves to be very funny. I love going back and reading about how I think waltz is spelled so cool, and how I'm going to cook noodles inside of a pool noodle, and how I want to go to college to learn how to become a dinosaur. Basically, I'm just a funny person.
#3 - Facts/Solving Arguments
There have been many times where someone I know needed to know something - what day did we have that ward activity where I met my husband? When was I ordained? Where were we for Thanksgiving last year? These questions have occasionally turned into debates (particularly that Thanksgiving one) and by opening up my journal I can figure it out.
#4 - Memories
This is the one thing that keeps me going above everything else. I'm so grateful I have a record of what I thought the day my little sister died. I'm so glad I have copies of notes my little brother has written me. I love the fact that my journals talk about the friends I had and the crazy things we did.
While writing this blog post I've flipped through a couple of my old journals. I don't think I can fully express the way they make me feel. You know how I mentioned that no one else finds journal writing parties as thrilling as I do? Pretty sure it's the same way with journal reading parties. And that's the thing about my journals, as selfish as it may be, I write for myself. I don't think anyone else will ever sit down and read through an entire journal of mine. In fact, I kind of don't want someone to ever have to sit down and read through my entire journal. They are probably boring to other people.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I'm a journal nerd. And it is time I put it out there.
Monday, December 1, 2014
God's love - it's enough
Today was a good day. It wasn't like anything incredible happened. I wasn't offered a million dollars or given a free trip to Disneyland. It was just generally pleasing. A fantastic start to a week I've been dreading.
Near the end of the day, I was walking back to my apartment with an empty plate in hand. I was in a parking lot. No one was around. Suddenly, I got the urge to throw the plate to the ground and watch it shatter into tiny little pieces. It started out as a funny little idea. I wanted to see it happen, I wanted to do it. But, I convinced myself that I couldn't do that unless I was in a mood that would somewhat justify it.
As if on cue, my mind was suddenly filled with all the things in life that I'm not happy about. Things that worry me, things that stress me out, things that I wish I could change - all these negative thoughts wouldn't go away.
I was frustrated with the fact that I can't allow myself to be happy (Another blog on this is in the works - has been for months. Just a little nervous to post it). Of course, that frustration only made things worse.
One thing in particular kept eating at me. And that is how lonely I often feel. I know, cliche for a single girl in her early twenties to feel lonely. But it is a real struggle for me and I know it is for many other people, too. One that I have moments of success with, but I often find the loneliness eating away at my joy.
My mind jumped back to an interview I had with my bishop in September. He had asked me about my social life and I cried telling him how I don't feel loved, how I don't feel cared for, how I often feel that my presence goes unnoticed.
I pushed the tears away and said, "But, through all of this, I've never been closer to my Heavenly Father. My relationship with Him has only strengthened. I know He loves me and that's what really matters."
Now, I could tweak that just a bit and say "His love for me is enough." I related that feeling to the bishop. I told Him that it was hard that I felt that way, but I was overcoming it through the power of the Atonement and that I was grateful for how it has shaped me into who I am. Most importantly, those feelings of loneliness don't matter and they can be pushed away. How? Because Heavenly Father loves me, and that's enough. His love is greater than anything else. And that's more than enough.
One of my favorite scriptures, Romans 8:38-39, says "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Nothing can take that love away. His love is enough to carry me though my hardships. He loves me enough to give me a good day like today. He loves me enough to send me trials and let me grow. He loves me. And that's enough.
So, as I reached my apartment, I said a little prayer of gratitude, thanking Him for loving me enough to put those unhappy things in my life in order to let me grow.
And don't worry, I didn't smash the plate.
Near the end of the day, I was walking back to my apartment with an empty plate in hand. I was in a parking lot. No one was around. Suddenly, I got the urge to throw the plate to the ground and watch it shatter into tiny little pieces. It started out as a funny little idea. I wanted to see it happen, I wanted to do it. But, I convinced myself that I couldn't do that unless I was in a mood that would somewhat justify it.
As if on cue, my mind was suddenly filled with all the things in life that I'm not happy about. Things that worry me, things that stress me out, things that I wish I could change - all these negative thoughts wouldn't go away.
I was frustrated with the fact that I can't allow myself to be happy (Another blog on this is in the works - has been for months. Just a little nervous to post it). Of course, that frustration only made things worse.
One thing in particular kept eating at me. And that is how lonely I often feel. I know, cliche for a single girl in her early twenties to feel lonely. But it is a real struggle for me and I know it is for many other people, too. One that I have moments of success with, but I often find the loneliness eating away at my joy.
My mind jumped back to an interview I had with my bishop in September. He had asked me about my social life and I cried telling him how I don't feel loved, how I don't feel cared for, how I often feel that my presence goes unnoticed.
I pushed the tears away and said, "But, through all of this, I've never been closer to my Heavenly Father. My relationship with Him has only strengthened. I know He loves me and that's what really matters."
Now, I could tweak that just a bit and say "His love for me is enough." I related that feeling to the bishop. I told Him that it was hard that I felt that way, but I was overcoming it through the power of the Atonement and that I was grateful for how it has shaped me into who I am. Most importantly, those feelings of loneliness don't matter and they can be pushed away. How? Because Heavenly Father loves me, and that's enough. His love is greater than anything else. And that's more than enough.
One of my favorite scriptures, Romans 8:38-39, says "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Nothing can take that love away. His love is enough to carry me though my hardships. He loves me enough to give me a good day like today. He loves me enough to send me trials and let me grow. He loves me. And that's enough.
So, as I reached my apartment, I said a little prayer of gratitude, thanking Him for loving me enough to put those unhappy things in my life in order to let me grow.
And don't worry, I didn't smash the plate.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Thoughts on writing...
I've had a lot on my mind today. It has distracted me in everything I've had to do. However, I've also avoided really thinking about these things too much. The little thinking I did made my head want to explode and gave me a panic attack. So I decided to get away.
What I usually do to get away is write. When I am struggling with something in my own life it sometimes helps to forget about my own life and create a new world, a new character, a new something. Tonight, I came home wanting to write. This has been a struggle for me lately. Not because I don't have the desire or the creative juices flowing, but because I'm holding off on my big project for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). It is only ten days away now and honestly, I can't wait to get started. I'll probably begin the moment the clock strikes midnight.
Anyway, since I can't get going at that project, I had another one in mind that I decided to go back to. However, as I looked for it I came across files and files of all these other unfinished projects. I opened a few I had forgotten about and was disappointed to see my lack of commitment. One of them only said a few lines and that was it. But, I was still excited with all of these possibilities
I was reminded of a NaNo pep talk by Brandon Sanderson I read just last night (he is on the list to give another one this year and I won't lie, I'm beyond excited). He mentions the "writing reservoir" that most writers have inside of them. I can completely relate to that. I'm constantly thinking "Hey, that's a great idea for a book!" or "Oh man, get me a pen quick so I can write this down." Ideas come all the time. Honestly, I'm constantly thinking of ways to turn every day things into a story of some sort. For a while, I was in the habit of carrying a notebook with me and writing these things down as they came. I turned them into very short stories in another notebook I kept on my nightstand. This is a habit I wish I still had.
Sanderson also talks about something else I can relate to all too well - finishing. He said, "On the path to becoming a professional writer, I've noticed that there are many drop-out points. These points are where I've noticed that a large number of aspiring writers tend to give up. the biggest one is finishing that first novel. Many people claim they want to write one, but a mere fraction of those people will actually make it to the end." It is sad how true this is for me. Since I was eleven years old I dreamed of becoming a writer. Publishing a book was the first thing on my bucket list.
I think that is where my problem lies. That's what I wanted to be when I "grew up." Yet, I started then. I wrote stories of a girl made of cheese, a man with an extendable nose, a girl on the quest to find a pet, and many other random things. But I always dreamed of becoming a writer, like it was some sort of process I had to go through. I never really admitted to being a writer. Even now I struggle saying those words, even typing them. But I write - I am a writer. Yeah, some stranger doesn't have my words bound and sitting on a shelf somewhere. I don't get paid to sit around and let my imagination take over. I rarely even allow people to read my writing.
But I write. I am a writer. One capable of finishing. And I will.
What I usually do to get away is write. When I am struggling with something in my own life it sometimes helps to forget about my own life and create a new world, a new character, a new something. Tonight, I came home wanting to write. This has been a struggle for me lately. Not because I don't have the desire or the creative juices flowing, but because I'm holding off on my big project for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). It is only ten days away now and honestly, I can't wait to get started. I'll probably begin the moment the clock strikes midnight.
Anyway, since I can't get going at that project, I had another one in mind that I decided to go back to. However, as I looked for it I came across files and files of all these other unfinished projects. I opened a few I had forgotten about and was disappointed to see my lack of commitment. One of them only said a few lines and that was it. But, I was still excited with all of these possibilities
I was reminded of a NaNo pep talk by Brandon Sanderson I read just last night (he is on the list to give another one this year and I won't lie, I'm beyond excited). He mentions the "writing reservoir" that most writers have inside of them. I can completely relate to that. I'm constantly thinking "Hey, that's a great idea for a book!" or "Oh man, get me a pen quick so I can write this down." Ideas come all the time. Honestly, I'm constantly thinking of ways to turn every day things into a story of some sort. For a while, I was in the habit of carrying a notebook with me and writing these things down as they came. I turned them into very short stories in another notebook I kept on my nightstand. This is a habit I wish I still had.
Sanderson also talks about something else I can relate to all too well - finishing. He said, "On the path to becoming a professional writer, I've noticed that there are many drop-out points. These points are where I've noticed that a large number of aspiring writers tend to give up. the biggest one is finishing that first novel. Many people claim they want to write one, but a mere fraction of those people will actually make it to the end." It is sad how true this is for me. Since I was eleven years old I dreamed of becoming a writer. Publishing a book was the first thing on my bucket list.
I think that is where my problem lies. That's what I wanted to be when I "grew up." Yet, I started then. I wrote stories of a girl made of cheese, a man with an extendable nose, a girl on the quest to find a pet, and many other random things. But I always dreamed of becoming a writer, like it was some sort of process I had to go through. I never really admitted to being a writer. Even now I struggle saying those words, even typing them. But I write - I am a writer. Yeah, some stranger doesn't have my words bound and sitting on a shelf somewhere. I don't get paid to sit around and let my imagination take over. I rarely even allow people to read my writing.
But I write. I am a writer. One capable of finishing. And I will.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Prayer: Pour it Out
Praying is a part of my everyday life. I love communicating with my Heavenly Father. Throughout the years, as I've learned more about prayer and gained a stronger testimony of its power, I've been able to gain a stronger relationship with my Heavenly Father than I ever thought possible.
I've been reading this book by S. Michael Wilcox called Face to Face. In it, he talks about the idea of pouring out your heart to God - telling him every detail of what is taking hold in your heart. By doing this, you are emptying your heart to allow room for Him to fill it. It is explained better in his book, I highly recommend reading it.
This idea of pouring out your heart in prayer is one that amazes me. It is so simple, yet so difficult.
Sometimes, when I pray, I feel that the issues occupying my mind aren't worthy of sharing with the Lord. I just have the ability to convince myself that my issues are insignificant, too small to take to the Lord. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, others have expressed this same feeling to me, so I thought I'd share the experience I had today.
As the sacrament is being blessed and passed, I like to take the chance to sit in the quiet and think over the week I have just finished. I think about what I did, how I felt, where I can improve, and other such things. After thinking it over, I take it to the Lord and pray for the remainder of the sacrament. Today I had convinced myself that the Lord was busy with more important things and I wasn't willing to talk to Him about my week.
However, as I sat with my arms folded and my eyes closed, the thought that I needed to pray kept coming to me. Why? I thought. God has enough on His plate, He doesn't need my problems added to it. And then it came again, Sorine - You NEED to pray. I fought it again. God created worlds! His works are endless. His power is incomprehensible. I kept listing His creations and turned my thoughts to a prayer of gratitude.
And then the spirit spoke to me again. Sorine, it said, all this is true. But you are forgetting something - He created you, too.
Now, as I type that I realize it may seem a bit cheesy, It may seem like something I'd read off of a flowery handout in a Young Women's meeting. Yet, I believe it. And at that moment, sitting in the almost silent chapel, I felt God's love for me stronger than I have in a long time. I felt His desire to hear from me, His hope for me to pour out my hear to Him.
I was reading parts of a talk by President Uchtdorf titled "The Love of God" from the October 2009 conference. This particular part stood out to me. He said, "He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our resume, but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God's love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked. . . Our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us."
God wants to hear from each one of His children. He desires to know every detail of my life. And yes, He is all knowing, He does see everything, and He would know what happened in my week even if I didn't pray to Him about it. But it means so much more to Him when I tell him. By pouring out my heart, I'm showing my Heavenly Father that I love Him, that I want Him to be a part of my life, and that I want His help.
I've had many moments where I poured out my heart to Heavenly Father and felt him fill it up with His love. Today was the first time I had this experience when it started out with me not wanting to even pray. I promise you, God does care about you! If something is important to you, it is important to Him. So why shouldn't you pray to Him about it? He cares about every detail of your life and He wants you to tell Him about it. As you do this, your relationship with Him will become stronger than you ever thought possible. you'll be able to feel His love for you deeper than before, and the answers to those difficult, personal questions will come.
In this same talk, President Uchtdorf says, "God does not look on the outward appearance. I believe that He doesn't care one bit if we live in a castle or a cottage, if we are handsome or homely, if we are famous or forgotten. Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God's love encompasses us completely."
Remember - God loves you! And so do I. :)
I've been reading this book by S. Michael Wilcox called Face to Face. In it, he talks about the idea of pouring out your heart to God - telling him every detail of what is taking hold in your heart. By doing this, you are emptying your heart to allow room for Him to fill it. It is explained better in his book, I highly recommend reading it.
This idea of pouring out your heart in prayer is one that amazes me. It is so simple, yet so difficult.
Sometimes, when I pray, I feel that the issues occupying my mind aren't worthy of sharing with the Lord. I just have the ability to convince myself that my issues are insignificant, too small to take to the Lord. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, others have expressed this same feeling to me, so I thought I'd share the experience I had today.
As the sacrament is being blessed and passed, I like to take the chance to sit in the quiet and think over the week I have just finished. I think about what I did, how I felt, where I can improve, and other such things. After thinking it over, I take it to the Lord and pray for the remainder of the sacrament. Today I had convinced myself that the Lord was busy with more important things and I wasn't willing to talk to Him about my week.
However, as I sat with my arms folded and my eyes closed, the thought that I needed to pray kept coming to me. Why? I thought. God has enough on His plate, He doesn't need my problems added to it. And then it came again, Sorine - You NEED to pray. I fought it again. God created worlds! His works are endless. His power is incomprehensible. I kept listing His creations and turned my thoughts to a prayer of gratitude.
And then the spirit spoke to me again. Sorine, it said, all this is true. But you are forgetting something - He created you, too.
Now, as I type that I realize it may seem a bit cheesy, It may seem like something I'd read off of a flowery handout in a Young Women's meeting. Yet, I believe it. And at that moment, sitting in the almost silent chapel, I felt God's love for me stronger than I have in a long time. I felt His desire to hear from me, His hope for me to pour out my hear to Him.
I was reading parts of a talk by President Uchtdorf titled "The Love of God" from the October 2009 conference. This particular part stood out to me. He said, "He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our resume, but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God's love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked. . . Our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us."
God wants to hear from each one of His children. He desires to know every detail of my life. And yes, He is all knowing, He does see everything, and He would know what happened in my week even if I didn't pray to Him about it. But it means so much more to Him when I tell him. By pouring out my heart, I'm showing my Heavenly Father that I love Him, that I want Him to be a part of my life, and that I want His help.
I've had many moments where I poured out my heart to Heavenly Father and felt him fill it up with His love. Today was the first time I had this experience when it started out with me not wanting to even pray. I promise you, God does care about you! If something is important to you, it is important to Him. So why shouldn't you pray to Him about it? He cares about every detail of your life and He wants you to tell Him about it. As you do this, your relationship with Him will become stronger than you ever thought possible. you'll be able to feel His love for you deeper than before, and the answers to those difficult, personal questions will come.
In this same talk, President Uchtdorf says, "God does not look on the outward appearance. I believe that He doesn't care one bit if we live in a castle or a cottage, if we are handsome or homely, if we are famous or forgotten. Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God's love encompasses us completely."
Remember - God loves you! And so do I. :)
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